ROOT: 30 Day Journal Project Day 11

I’m feeling so frustrated in myself. One of those seasonal flu things going around so everything aches. Blocked up and hot/cold from a temperature. No energy and I feel lower in spirits. Also have my monthly lol same time and it’s like a double whammy.

It’s day 11’s turn on my journal project. Not so sure it will be created in an art form visually today more a written response alone. I want to get through this. I want to push on. So thankful to good friend Amylisa who commented on my last blog entry. I wanted to truly give up and you helped me not too. Feeling more isolated than ever before.

The inspiriation for this day is “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”

— Freidrich Nietzsche

Kind of appropriate isn’t it.

Four of my children with their cousin went out tonight to a fund raiser. Oldest daughter Talitha is in our cities first only women’s American football team and they are raising money to sponsor their team for upcoming competition.

I couldn’t go of course so home alone.

This writing surprisingly lifts my spirits and for just a little bit I forget my symptoms.

Prompt I’ve chosen for today is.

What message does the chaos have for me?

Well I have no choice but to rest and recuperate. Take things easy. Let things go and focus only on the most important things. It does give you plenty of time to think. I asked for prayer on face book. Asked for help from my family. More than normal.

Appreciate all the more the ones who are still there who still care.

Let some things slide that people say. One man said.. have faith in GOD.. sigh. Right ok. I don’t suddenly lose it lol but ya its not a good thing to say. I learn what not to say during these times.

Chaos is world-wide. I have never before noticed so much of it and it’s depressing. Definitely chaos makes me look to GOD for understanding. No one can fathom hatred, wars, cruelty, and devastation on a huge scale. My trials are miniscule considering. I pray much more for unknown faces and countries and especially those highlighted and described in stories circulating in the media.

Chaos makes me remember the peace GOD gave me in troubled times. How it was so out of this world. All you can do is rest and trust GOD. I mean sometimes I can pray sickness off, you feel the symptoms and after prayer they go. This time not.

I’m thankful my oldest daughter has taken kids to school two days in a row, Zali youngest daughter completely cleaned the bathroom and added recently purchased linen she’s done such a lovely job. That my mother helped with dishes piling up and brought in washing. Appreciate the little things all the more. The biggest thrill is Conner 16 attending 4 days of high school this week. I’ve had so much trouble getting him there with sleep problems and depression and anxiety. But I can be thankful for him attending almost all the week and I have not had the struggles to get him there that I normally have.

The message chaos has for me is even though my body is weak and feels dreadful my spirit inside can be lifted by being thankful and just patiently wait out the moments till I am feeling better. Trying even when you feel you can’t well sometimes you can!

Marvellous to Consider

Watched “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” the other night along with “Two Towers”.. Tolkien.. Both on Tv on the same night how cool is that! I just so feel inspired by that… Both the original authors were Christian and talked together in the past about their books and writings. And to see their two films on TV on one night… Yay God.. Yay God..

They make me think magical, mystical, spiritual things.. Life can get so bleh huh… I just read that word at friend Christine’s fb.. 🙂

Love this scripture below I just found in a book I’m reading.. I myself have gotten turned off organised religion… It hasn’t been deep enough… Its boring lol.. Falls oh so short.
But God is so so so so so much greater than even I can imagine… Its considering HIM from this place.. This place… That stirs my heart and fires up my bones.. That which the movies, books and art world try to capture which is the essence of the grandness of the Spirit of the book “The Bible” of who God really is…

There are many marvellous things to consider..

Just as you do not know how the breath
comes to the bones in the mother’s womb,
so you do not know the work of God,
who makes everything.

ECCLESIASTES 11:5 NRSV

Alone

Listening to the song “Alone” by Heart. And I am physically alone as I listen to it; things start to come together and point these blind eyes and this stubborn heart to understand why I’ve been so alone… God speaks to me so clearly using what’s around me when I notice it. In this case through the words of a secular song..

This picture by artist Oliver Pengilley is on my wall.. It was offered free on his face book account to download but when I got it I felt it right to donate to the artist to support his work. This one really really helped me. And today combined with the words of the song just fit so well with this part of his artwork sonI had to share it.

I am singing this song loud.. 😉 ha ha one reason its good to be alone..

The picture is about being between a rock and hard place… The place many of us are finding ourselves.. More alone than we wish to be… Than we can even explain it to others.

I just added the words to it via an iPad ap because there is a powerful message here to all of us who feel alone and in a difficult place.

Says to me that we are actually in exactly the right place.. Because how else is God supposed to get us alone? Get our whole attention… In the dark and hard places He is more easily found because there are no distractions. The way “Heart” sings so powerfully with full emotion just puts more emphasis on how much God too must so want to get our attention.. How He is longing to help us and show us Himself.

Aren’t we more likely to need the light in such a place? Seek for help?
Finally we come to the end of what we can handle ready to admit we can’t understand and nothing else and nobody else can help us.

We are now in the place He can appear to us so we truly see Him and come to know just how much He loves us.

The Furious Longing of God

I have subscribed monthly to “Scribd” lol as I have a fetish to buying or collecting books.. Ebooks especially not that I could possibly read them all.. So many free ebooks these days and I still buy more… But this title grabbed me and I had to read it… Thought if I can buy a subscription it might stop me collecting books and force me to actually read this book because I’m spending money on it and if I don’t keep the subscription my time to read will run out.. It cost about the same to buy a month as to buy the ebook..

Thought I’d share here.. My thoughts…

End of first chapter… Asked a question..
When you read that phrase.. “The Furious Longing of God”
What emotions or images does it evoke?

Definitely not a stoic love. Its passionate, fiery, hot blooded. Earth moving. I think for many many years I was taught almost indoctrinated to “love God love my neighbour” sort of thing..
Seems so flat now… So 2d.. Something I had to do… Was expected of me… Boring…
No wonder it never moved me and countless others.
This furious love, longing of God is from His side..
Which is for everyone but suddenly becomes my own when I focus on Him.. I guess that’s the wonder of spiritual reality..

That He wants me.. Its personal.. Its means something now.. I want it… Realising He wants me is wow… Its life changing.. Suddenly I can see Him and His love all around… In the beauty of a sun set, in the colours of a rainbow, in the smile of a child… In the kindness of a stranger… I see him loving on me… There is a saying in the bible.. Taste and see that The Lord is good… You see Him wooing you… Drawing Him to you… Because nothing else satisfies and every longing we have that moves many to endless sources that only build dependency… When taken to Him create this amazing relationship that is going to get better into eternity.. Dependency on anything but Him causes grief and entraps never satisfied but He truly does satisfy and ohhh how freeing…
Surely goodness following me.. Gifts and good things happening when I don’t even deserve them simply because He enjoys doing so… Cup runs over furiously!

If I know He loves me that much… I cannot not see him with me… Everything around me which He created is in full view and I know anything that says different will end one day too so there is no fear when you are perfectly loved… HE cannot be hidden because He is everywhere. I even have a glow about me when I’m aware… My whole countenance changes..

Keeps Me Praying

Last night I dreamt of my ex husband… I dream about him often… I don’t understand it though…
He has his own life and there are no physical signs he wants me back in his life..
I have come to the place that whatever relationship on earth I have with him… Eternity is forever and I pray that for him most of all.. That one is assured! But I think why.. Why dream about him so often… It’s hard I get lonely and I don’t want to be single forever.. My circumstances have not been easy.. Being almost deaf… Single mum and having prayed for my future for what feels like forever…
I do cry still over it… It’s been a long long long road… I don’t know what is ahead… I mean people have ideas.. They get into a relationship. They make a career… I don’t have any of that.. I have my kids… I love my kids..

But I didn’t sign anything that said I was going to do this on my own…

I have not given my faith up… God is with me that I know… I smile knowing my own weaknesses… Because in my weakness I see His strength and this kind of tenacity to not give up… I know I don’t have a clue why or how or when… I have prayed for many people like myself over the years… But I have not seen physically too many breakthroughs yet I keep praying.. I wonder though what it is that drives me?
I mean people who see miracles you can understand they being busy… People who are in a group working kinda encourage each other. Even couples together can work and help one another…

But mostly I’m a loner… Yet I keep praying… 🙂 that makes me know something is going on behind the scenes..
That despite tears, frustrations, the lack of physical manifestations, long periods of praying for the same things.. I must have some inner hope that holds me strongly to this life I live… People do pray for me I know it..

But the things I’ve wanted most, dreamed of, hoped for and longed for…. have not happened yet.. Its those things I continually lay at Gods feet… Daily seeking Him for strength, guidance, even sometimes giving up completely cause its too hard yet here I am!

Still in this place… Still hoping… Still believing… Still praying.. Still speaking faith… Bless The Lord O my soul and all that is within me bless Your holy name…

On Holy Ground

This quote below just came to mind… I’m in bliss!!!
I’m really aware I’m standing on holy ground.. More so than ever before.. Heavens are open above me.. Glory to God!!!

“Earth’s crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God; But only he who sees, takes off his shoes – The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.”
Elizabeth Barrett Browning quotes (English poet, political thinker, and feminist 1806-1861)

When you KNOW there is something greater going on

I’m hearing impaired, based at home, I don’t work, not social, and I feel mute in many ways. Deafness seems to be linked with dumbness. I am not calling myself stupid but I suffer from this kind of inability to speak and express myself which is one reason I isolate so much. Honestly tongue tied, shy, introverted, wall flower or whatever you like to call it. Its real and it sucks and the wonderful thing is art, writing and poetry of late seems to be a wonderful release. The only release I seem to have. All day every day I have incredible loud noises in my ears. It interferes with life because I feel I have to speak over it but nobody else hears it. So for a quiet person having a loud voice is freaky and disturbing. I do not like to stand out and being loud makes me stand out everywhere..

To get to the heading and why I wrote it that way… Days can be hard.. Not going anywhere, seeing anyone or the normal conversations others have to feel a part of the world some days I feel I have absolutely nothing to contribute to the world and it seems to drain my mind of potential.

Yesterday I worked on an altered book (Brides book that was once a registry book but un-used) with lovely thick pages and I have been painting, collaging, creating new pages from old with colours and pictures… Its beautiful, spiritual and speaks messages from my heart but also its a place I retreat too which I can pour out into …. who I wish I was and who I am and what I’m learning.
I find I gravitate to God who is with me and how the relationship with HIM is my hiding place and where I find my life and purpose… Only when I lose sight of this connection with God do I struggle and then I kick myself that I get silly and focused on dead living.

Spiritual life is the greater reality. We are called to be the Bride of Christ.. technical term if you will for the closeness we experience when we are awakened to HIM. I nearly always capitalise HIS name its a respect thing.. Just my way of showing it.. 🙂

Back to the page.. This was the title page of the book declaring what it was created for … I had left it blank for some reason. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with the page ha ha I see it represents my life direction (I’ve had none for a long time) which must be changing too…

See with my art… it just happens.. I don’t plan it.. It just comes. So after some reading of a christian book “Creative Intercession ~ How simplicity, fun and art can move the hand of God : Allison Shorter” it isn’t the bible and a small amount of prayer.. I haven’t even been praying much. I turned to this altered book and with the words of the ebook in my mind started to do something..

Its said that in our weakness we are strong.. its so true because I had no great inspiration at the time but I know that something was coming out of me and it was not of me. Thus you see the reason for the title of this blog post..

The colour gold for the background was an idea that came… thats a royal colour, speaks of wealth and preciousness, the window, flowers, heading “Brides book” were already on the page I just coloured them in and of course I added the romantic pic because bride, groom and everything a bride is about is joining her life, love and self to another.

Her life was one way now it something totally different..

I made the window of stained glass which I admire in life and this beautiful central part of the page means it lets the light in but brings colour to it!

Marriage is about joining all that we bring to each other.. not just about two people involved.. I think of the bride carrying flowers, she receives gifts at the wedding, her belongings and all that she is becomes joined to her groom and all that he is and all that he owns becomes hers too.. Especially in relation to GOD when we join ourselves to HIM or acknowledge HIM and look to HIM.. trust HIM… give our lives to HIM.. its about all that we are.. all that belongs to ourselves.. Merges.. Union… One of the wonderful gifts of being HIS bride is HIMSELF but also that HE endows us with the beauty of so much more.. Another world… HE likes to gift.. and its ok to enjoy HIM and HIS gifts.. its beautiful..
In human life so much of the wedding day is filled with incredible detail which takes so much planning and time yet you know I’m pretty sure the bridal couple really only have eyes for each other on the day and all they are really thinking about is being together… In this page I’ve found so much more than simply intimacy but enjoyment, forces that unite and working for all time not just past, present but future.. Its provision, care, love beauty, gifts, purpose, fitting into the bigger picture.. Etc

Its weird because religion is all about what we should and should not do and how to do it… Restriction… Its here or there or at special times… we kind of lose ourselves in all the rules and regulations and mindsets.. but you can never do enough.. work work work.. But in these pages I find even though its all focused on HIM wow does that open things up.. I see beauty more.. Im rested.. I feel more and more joy and freedom… I find myself in these pages.. I find hope and inspiration and I want to know HIM more in every way.. The pages don’t say that my life is boring… they speak of love overflowing, no lack and expression flows and I have ideas and appreciation even the unseen is recognised…Colour, intimacy and enjoyment.. There is focus there, a world of possibilities and no restriction..

We are no longer beggars and poor in this world we are so loved and cherished and taken care of… HE wants us to delight in HIM and I am so thankful that in my hard times I have found HIM in the pages of a book that was intended one way but used in a total other way..

The hands around the edges are angelic hands.. And when it came to mind for this page I was a bit resistant.. Why bring angels into this? Its about romance, intimacy, lovers if you will.. An escape… Spiritual place… God and me ( which was not the intention as I started this book its just where it went)…
But when it flows I go with it.. They speak to me of tender care and a bigger picture that for the most is still unseen but yet it goes on all around us.. Of God loving me and my family that He sends us angels to guard and guide me/us. They take up a big part of this page and they are busy ministering to us on his behalf. There from the beginning.. Its speaks purpose to my life despite how it’s been and that in this very place of intimacy and focus on GOD with me I’m exactly right where I need to be…

It speaks supernatural and how many of us need that in our everyday hard normal lives… To imagine, see by faith and believe in the divine.. The words written across the top didn’t come up well but they say..

This year believe in miracles.. And ha ha the writing is kinda unseen 🙂

Possibilities…

I could go on and on about different aspects of this and that all sprang from nothing… That’s what art does to me.. Opens me up.. My mind, spirit, heart, eyes, ears and yet all from my bedroom.. Same place every day.. Where nothing changes but yet everything changes…

Glory to God..

Most of the art I do does not get much response… But I say to GOD.. Take from my weakness and humility… My unseen life yet I’m a royal by spiritual birth… And use it for “the greater yet unseen” purpose… Which is always there.. May GOD be known and HIS presence believed and this in itself bring miracles in the world around me simply because of HIM recognised in and through me!

Ordinary Extra

Today is an ordinary day.
Overcast and cooler.
Unlike other hot summer days we have had.
I feel blah.
I see undone things everywhere.
Feel bloated.
I talk to God feeling unworthy..
Will I ever be super spiritual enough?
Yet even doing daily chores..
Little things can happen to add extra to my ordinary.
I rarely go to the library but for some reason I did today..
I’m in between jobs and waiting..
Today without knowing its free tea and coffee hour..
Only for one hour and I happened to be here for it!
I’m smiling now..
Thanking God for how this came to be.
I see something more in all this.
Something so simple yet it changes my whole day!!!

February Adventure

Last night I sensed the LORD all around me. The word Adventure popped up. Word of my month already. Just can sense GOD in what I am reading of late whatever I choose to pick up and I tend to jump from book to book. A word stands out to me and I embrace it not knowing why and suddenly its everywhere!!

Pic below shows “Adventure” for my “2014 Create Your Amazing Year Life Edition book” Oracle card reading for this month of February. I found a stamp with the word on… and also it has become my word for “New Brain Planner” month word for February as well… then I read it in a book last night.. Bam!!! Ha ha.. blew me away.. That it keeps coming up shows something..
I am alone with it physically because the people I could talk too its just not flowing with them right now enough.. so here I am.

What LORD do I do now?

Im typing because well its a release, it helps me commit to something. Gets my thoughts out. I have gifts as a writer.. though more than ever before I have found myself editing and re-editing and not just letting go as I write or even expressing it fully. It doesn’t just flow for me.. most of the time I start and get distracted… I have nothing and time has passed and just blogging is incredible that I actually get something out there.. I sit and I find it hard to get started and then I have to make myself write and like everything in my life with persistance it comes out.. I know I have lots in me but when you have few to talk too it gets pushed down inside.. I bet that happens alot to others too.. It might come out in frustration or I try and talk to the kids and they don’t want to hear.. or I say the wrong things and say too much lol and people close up.

I have been stuck in the past, blank, no direction, yes it leads me back to YOU LORD always that is why I talk about GOD so much and have the relationship I have with HIM.
Yes It feels like something should come of it religiously. I should have results. You know LORD sometimes praying doesn’t seem enough. I can be honest with you. Elaine sent me a post about being an intercessor. I couldnt acknowledge it for a bit. I wanted more lol or different and I don’t feel I am good enough or pray long enough.. Or devoted enough.. Also I have prayed for a long time about things and well they don’t seeem to change maybe that is it.. that I keep praying when others might stop? I don’t know what I pray in tongues.. LORD I ask that just once I learn what I am praying in tongues.

I am still drawn in my art (did art jounalling yesterday) to spiritual things I dont know that I could do anything else. But that I was reading about anointing oil in a book (later on) and I had pasted a picture in my altered book of oil or liquid dripping down from a red source. (see below) The Healing Power, a rainbow, even the words “God loves me.. He has led me…. I found and added.. WOW!!! Pic of kid looking up. A candlestick with lit candles. All very spiritual and very meaningful. I didn’t focus on a background either.. I just used what I had found of recent and it all is coming together that way.. White could symbolise purity.. Hearts going up.. Fullness.. Lot of love. Sacred Place.. On the very next page its where the Bride and Groom certifies that they are married… Coming together of the whole reason the book was created in the first place.. A lot of significance in this… I have a picture of Prince William and Catherine Im sure I will add to that page its not stuck down yet..
Royalty in their wedding finerey I think its the moment they first came out of the church and showed themselves to the world as a married couple. Yes a lot of meaning in that too.. that I am up to that page could signify that GOD is about to show HIMSELF along with me to the world/public openly?? Or show Himself along with HIS bride.. which is His people.. those who join themselves to HIM… happy too be associated with GOD.. Want to be associated with GOD.. He wants the whold world to know HIM… enjoy intimacy and enjoy HIS presence.. Ha ha… I have trouble writing that. I know you don’t have to do anything special to be Gods child. Jesus as Gods son His blood and sacrifice at the cross saved us all but its knowing that and believing that which changes everything. Its just the ones who will experience all the good stuff from knowing what has been done for us will stand out in the world more in days to come. Is what I am trying to say. JESUS is the reason there is peace with GOD, HE is the only way to GOD.. Our salvation.

It couldn’t be any more opposite to real life for me if this art refers to me. I am unknown to the world but I am royalty through the KING of KINGS who is our LORD JESUS in the heavenly Kingdom 🙂 I am just thinking about the symbolism, timing and other things happening in my life.. Reading books about the glory of GOD.. Ha ha.. people have told me JESUS is to be my husband as a single woman.. but I’m human too I want JESUS but also a flesh and blood husband to love on and live with.. People can argue with me but lots of people follow Jesus and have a husband or wife too. 🙂

I am posting this “as is” at the moment.. It might encourage someone. Processes are important to Artists and speak to our own selves and also help us see the meaning and message coming through as we continue to create. Without boasting GOD is literally everywhere to me. Truly apparent in books, media, others art, things people are posting on social media, in my circumstances, so strongly evident around me even as you can see in just one word..
When all seem to be saying similar things at the moment re (why I am so encouraged about this art I am working on) I have to share but I don’t understand my part in it. I can only talk more to HIM, keep working with what I have and am seeing and because its so inspiring me… share it for whatever reason..

I don’t know what it means but when things line up around you, words, books you read, you are believing GOD, seeking HIM more and more, praying, talking to GOD more and more and its unexplainable and yet you know that you know that you know there is something more wonderful at work. You have to DO something with that… Seems an urgency too. Perhaps a timing to things you know you have to deal with it.. do it then and there.. I tend to slack. Procrastinate. Wait. Put things off.. not even commit myself to art/expression every day but why I ask myself? I have a driveness inside me and am frustrated so I pray.. Still not always seeing the value of connection to art/expression and spirituality. I do get annoyed I cannot do anything apart from GOD.. lol.. other artists can do so many other things but for me it always come back to HIM.. I even have to write in capitals 🙂 It just feels right to me.. My way of acknowledging HIM in everything because I know good comes from HIM.. Look I am not trying to put people off but its something sometimes you have to do.. And I need to learn to be ok with what I do.. no matter if anyone understands that or not. Not be ashamed or fearful or held back but be free..

I don’t know why GOD would use me Im basic. I don’t have any great skills. I dont do anything special. Apart from spiritually speaking I am not motivated in any other way or have anything about myself that I could say.. Here is this or that.. this is my offering to the world.. I don’t feel I have an offering except I pray, I have faith and I am alive and I am a fellow human being right here right now writing this. Ha ha I don’t even have a great audience of people that read muah.. No one really seeks me out for council.. I don’t try to stand out I tend to stand back.. 🙂 I guess you might say.. yes but you write personally and you post about it.. Ironic isn’t it. Another thing I do that I do without knowing why. I guess its like the light on a hill scripture. Why put it under a basket or hide it away light is to be seen isn’t it!! I just like to share but strangely enough in a setting with another person I might not think of all this.

Its just so exciting what opens up to me sometimes that I am alone with.. I do struggle to explain it fully so I have to blog or share my art… I have too.. Many times there is literally nobody to talk about this with and I pace the house praying, asking why GOD and what is the purpose and why am I alone with this and what do I do with it? I cannot explain to anyone but its burning burning inside me.. I am called… I know that.. I am here in this world for a purpose… I know there is much more that this world needs that GOD has for us, I believe its out there but I don’t know what it is or what my part in all this is either but I seeking HIM for it… This is my way to express myself, my GOD and my journey..

To Feel I Belong

Is what I take away from a healing service I went to last night at Bay City Church in Geelong. I was grinning and laughing all the way home to Ballarat.. Yes my hearing is still impaired but I couldn’t give a stuff about that compared to the warmth, the belonging and the connection I felt to the people around me.

The service was led by John & Julie Mellor. I bought their book too “Miracles in the Dust”. My sister (pic below) bit fuzzy sorry.. Was prayed over for an epileptic condition she has that she takes medication for which gives her blank outs.. Where she literally freezes like pause on a video player for a short time and it impedes her life plus she cannot drive.. A lady who didn’t even know her approached her in the service and said I’ve been praying for you a whole week! Also suffered pain in her shoulder and had trouble lifting her arm.. Pain completely gone!!!
We travelled together last night to the meeting on a very hot summers day.. Like a sauna in that meeting packed with people lol!!!

Will link to their ministry for anyone that’s interested to find out more.. John Mellor Ministries

I’ve been to church almost my entire life and the last few years I felt so disconnected, alone and its the last place I want to be. But last night strangers hugged me, smiled, talked and looked me in the eye! And most of all I felt I belonged. I met two face book friends there which was just so amazing! In the last few weeks I’ve been much more confident meeting people and making connections.. Being social when for a long time I’ve been isolated.
Lindsay who is a Christian from Ballarat I’ve known from church and Facebook sitting right in front with his girlfriend and her children.. I was stunned by them being there sitting in front, it just felt great that we were from the same city and seated so close.. I just knew that was a good sign.
I attended with my younger sister and Lindsay got to meet her and even hugged me goodbye.. It felt so warm, comfortable and natural. I’m usually shy and awkward around people.. Its making me cry write this.. It was a beautiful thing… I just want this so much with everyone, everywhere. I just thank God so much for the love I felt in that place..

I also met Kathy another face book friend who is also deaf/hearing impaired! I’ve never met her face to face only online but saw her face in the crowd and went straight up and said hello! THAT is so unlike me!!! Usually I stand back.. Smile from afar. But nope I wanted to say hello.. She also met my sister too! How amazing in one night to meet two people like that lol!!!!! Yippe I’m social!!!

I haven’t even felt that kind of love and connection always even from my own family.. Not placing blame its probably more to do with me being shy, damaged inside and self conscious but whatever it was more, more, more I say!!!