See My Heart

((Warning long post.. it’s in depth sharing about poem..))

I was amazed how quickly this magnetic poem appeared. The image behind it is from a magazine I think it was a surfing one not sure..

I tear out and cut out images all the time and use them and store them. So if anyone recognizes it and the photographer let me know so I can credit them.

As soon as I saw it the image resonated with my heart. I had it on my wall for a little while then tucked it away with plans to do something in the future but didn’t know quite what at the time.

I don’t know if I have been stalling or putting off or there is a right time and today was that time. But I have known for quite a while I want to share my heart with my sister. She has been trying to connect in small ways but my heart has not known how to reply. I know I know just do it eh.. I only wish it was that simple. Art has been my bridge to the world so it makes sense today that I could easily write a poem and then share it here on my blog because this is where my heart can be more freely seen. I am comfortable writing and expressing myself this way. Face to Face definitely not.

At the moment of writing I do not intend to post it directly to my sister or share on my face book where she can see it or anyone else for that matter. Maybe after I finish and draft it up pray first before I decide what to do with it and whom sees it. My blog doesn’t get much attention but if one wanted to know my heart it is available 24/7. Even if I post a link to it on face book it doesn’t mean it will be seen but if I pray I can trust God it is seen by anyone that needs to see it. I think sometimes I just needed to share for the sake of sharing. Where no one is forced to read it only by choice would they read it so I can be free to share as much or as little as I wish.

Update.. I told my sister about this poem and writing and said that I wish to share with her. No reply for 9 days. So it appears my sister is not interested. I’m glad I approached her first.. I have peace to share here now.

It is sort of an indirect way but a comfortable way also its a necessity to express how I am feeling and I function better in every area of life when I can do this. Never intended as a direct message to anyone rather it is an expression of my heart about something that has been on my heart but in no other way have I been able to deal with it or move forward.. It is my way to face it I suppose.

I cannot sit down with a counselor or anyone much because of deafness.. I cannot deaf sign either so I cannot invite an interpreter to help in a counseling session or conversation. So I cannot really communicate well enough to get the full benefit of getting things out safely that way. It has to be where I can flow and also a safe place to do so. I used to be able to share easily but the flow dried up over the years when difficulties kept coming at me and I lost contact with so many people even though I have been active on social media. Art has been a salvation of sorts but you have to keep at it and there has been many days when I could not even be bothered doing that and it was mere survival art and creativity to keep myself active rather then my soul story working for me on a page to propel me forward or connect.

In case you think this is better said directly then written. I have tried many many times in the past to say how I feel. Our family like my parents and siblings we just don’t do private sharing amongst ourselves well I have not experienced it much its chit chat but for me never as deep as I need it to be. I do not know if that stems from our religious beliefs or that is just how we have always been. I know in Christian circles it seems to be a lack of faith or even that we have unforgiveness in our heart if we dare to speak of past things or ongoing struggles with people etc.. Between God and us or them only??? Of course deafness doesn’t help either.

Last year when I broke down one of the things I did was write things on a piece of paper.. Things I needed healing over and people I needed to forgive etc.. I did that then burnt it. I do believe I forgave people and I was surprised what came out of the inside of me.. BUT.. It appears to me that there is something more needed here.. I realise even if others can’t or do not wish it I need to connect and be open hearted and in some way have something come back to me I mean how can anyone build on intimacy or grow in a relationship where there is no give and take.. I feel even if nobody replies I am at least making an effort to keep speaking even if it stays one sided.

To speak or share with others or just being human that way I do not know but I have not found my place with even my own close loved ones and believe me I have been on my knees and crying praying much about it. I do know I am not perfect nor have followed the path of religion the same as many I know even my own close loved ones but it doesn’t mean I do not have faith or I do not wish to be interested in their personal lives..

I just express my faith and soul differently thats all.. But before God HE knows my heart on this I have been led by HIS Spirit and sense that GOD is leading and it may not be how everyone else would do it. Or think I should.. But before GOD I do find peace and strength and hope and help and support and HIS hearing me I worship in Spirit and truth rather then in a physical capacity so I suppose I do understand why people have lost touch.. I do find my joy here.. Deep sharing though does take a toll even when it is how you are created. Nothing was meant to be just for only one.. I felt exhausted after writing this & it’s been sitting since end of last month..

In Spirit I feel God and I can do impossible things.. I know God’s power in my weak state.. I believe God is with me and it gives me hope.. When you lose contact with everyone else though and how they worship and communicate and do it differently, it can feel a lonely road you travel.. But you know that the very reason you are surviving it and continuing to look up is because HE is empowering you otherwise you’d have collapsed a long time ago.

I do not know but heart sharing has always been my way forward and when I didn’t find an environment where I felt able or safe or not weeird in my doing so.. I kept things to myself or shared them online and started telling GOD everything.. I stepped backwards from all I once knew. My sister herself said I closed my heart but if I did it was not for lack of trying and I can honestly say before GOD my heart many many times was an open book and I was painfully honest to my own detriment publicly. Sharing openly online my heart was an open book perhaps that is why so many stepped back physically too because I was kind of bleeding and doing things differently and it was raw and radical at times.

I just got frustrated that it seemed to be I got to point that people didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t think of what to say back or I was failing to say things the right way.. I seriously don’t know why and I found less and less people to talk too and then meanwhile my hearing deteriorated? I mean I was truly in a world on my own.. The less you talk like others the harder it is to say it normally and the more you flouder when you do try.. impossible much.

Like a tap that has had no flow sometimes you need to turn it on and let the crap flush before a good steady stream comes flowing out of it once again. I feel exactly the same except its going to be murky and messy till I can find that flow again. I felt judged and unsafe and extremely awkward so it comes in spits and starts and well its not pretty like that or beautifully expressed and it is definitely not perfect.. as if it ever could be.. It’s not my truth either if I cannot be free to be myself and especially if I am not believed or I feel judged.. I clam up. I give up. I start to internalize it.

I know it is part of how I am created that I struggle with only daily chit chat and going on as if everything is rainbows and unicorns.. I cannot easily do it so if I desire deeper and healthy sharing and lets face it just sharing because that is who I am.. I flail to even be civil when someone is pushing on me but not really speaking anything I can relate too..

I hate that because I do not want to be mean and unkind and seem disinterested but if you have to talk about anything other then what’s in your heart it to me feels very fake.

Because in order to be me the tap needs running to flow again and if people won’t wait for it to clear well you never really get anywhere and I get that people do not want to be around a half hearted person or a full on person that is conversing in a different way then what they are used too..

My wish is that in my art my whole heart is seen and that I find connection this way and there may be some understanding.. Art has been extremely helpful in all of this a true and vital God send way to express what I can’t the normal ways..

And I do not think forgiveness just means period end of chapter either. Burn the book. Even resurrected Jesus has scars from what HE went through on behalf of mankind. It is normal to close the chapter yes and move forward to the next. But every chapter is a part of the whole story even if you burn that book or never reread it. Those things still happened and even if you forgive you never forget. Everything we go through is part of what brought us to this place in our life and made us who we are today.

I know I can find peace for extremely hard things this has been my salvation too. BUT I cannot find peace with anyone else if there is not a baseline of truth and I do not know why I sense this has not been the case with my sister and I maybe the only one that believes that in my heart because outwardly it can look so different and its not that I do not want peace or am struggling against making it.

My former husband fell out of love with me and told me this and although hard to hear I respected him very much for that. I could survive that. We have peace. This with my sister has been very different and in the most part unspeakable.

So I wrote this poem using a small magnetic kit that has very limited words etc.. I mean it’s not the usual kits I use where I have built up an extensive selection of words. It was a kit I bought at Spotlight that is smaller then my other magnetic poetry sets and has very basic type words..

But that it has fewer words was a challenge to say what I felt with limitations through this set I love love love that it came quite easily and it really says something to me that I have learned and grown through all this to express myself even through challenges and limitations.. I think that really says that the timing is right to write this and it all fits..

I have had to make incredibly hard choices to get to this place. I have felt alone. Unsupported. Unable to say easily how I feel and make connections that keep me socially relevant and given me the confidence to work through it. I feel I have been gagged a long long time at least in ways that I needed to feel believed and supported to heal and find my place in the world again especially amongst my own family.

At this point I have not felt heard by those who could have supported me and cared for my heart. If I had had that I do not believe this would have been such a long and lonely journey and I wouldn’t have so much to say. But in saying all this I know in the Kingdom of God nothing is wasted. No experience is beyond Gods capacity to use it for good.

Right after I finished writing that poem I noticed this little message displayed in my bedroom.. Image added below the poem which says..

This I believe that truth will set free. (Created by artist Mandy Steward)

And I know seeing this straight after I finished it that GOD is with me in this and although I so wish I could just go ahead like normal and say nothing more about the past.. just say hi how are you etc..

Ohh how I wish that were the case.. That I wasn’t the one to be messy, putting my heart out there AGAIN.. And I was this neat, normal little person who does things like everyone else and doesn’t stand out or make waves or think it was all about me when I never have but that the circumstances have made me cry out loudly and keep crying out to be heard..

Alas I can only be myself.. do as my heart is fitted to do and that is share my truth.. He knows.. I believe despite everything that I have done the best I knew to do under the circumstances and I am so glad I found a way forward which I believe HE has empowered me to do when I felt like there was no way forward. My deepest hope is I am met on this journey and there is peace on all sides and it is meaningful and beneficial for all concerned.

—-

Impossible days

Suffering takes away pretence, fear and the need to use filters. You just want it to end period. You will do anything but the truth is.. You have so little energy and if you give up you die. I unapologetically and stubbornly adhered to faith in GOD. I pushed through when it seemed to get worse and I wanted to stop. I share cause I wish to help anyone suffering. I sympathise with you and do not want to play down how much you are personally going through this was just my journey. I want to help you find help and a way through also and I will pray for anyone who asks.

Last few days for me felt impossibly hard. Yet as I look back it seems such a drop in the bucket of any type of suffering. But it went achingly slow as I passed through it. As a believer in GOD for me it was a spiritual battle that spilled over and affected my very mind. It was hard to think about anything. My mind was thinking ridiculous things and I was losing control of it. Such a strange strange feeling. I was stomach sick same time so I was so drained. Devoid of energy. Bad dreams and not much sleep. I was zapped and felt so anxious and like a paralysis. Like having to think and move through thick treacle. So bodily tired because I was fighting mental battles in my head. Never gone through anything like this.

My mother helped with day to day running around. I probably shouldn’t have been driving but at times I couldn’t find anyone to help. I want to write this up in case anybody else is helped.

I am at the other end of it now. Still feeling weak. Like not quite myself but the mind battles have stopped.

I was constantly quoting scriptures. But at the time it was hard to speak loudly or sing praise as someone said and I did everything to the best of my ability at the time even if it sounded like a grunt to anyone else. I asked for prayers on face book. I believe they saved me from far worse. I absolutely do.

I recommitted my life to GOD.. I did everything I could think of. All the things that have worked in the past didn’t seem to touch it. I felt like screaming.. I was walking about battling in my head wondering if my family could tell. I did eventually tell my parents even wrote on face book in comments I was struggling mentally. I have never done that before and I have had many low times in the past.

I even reached out to a friend who I had not spoken too in years. Who prayed for me when baby Tyler was ill back in 1997. I just knew her prayers back then had given me such peace and helped me through an impossibly hard time and I not only knew peace for the situation back there but I was comforted for baby Tyler who also suffered.. To know that kind of peace lifted so much grief and sadness and changed a very difficult experience to something that was life changing in the best ways. I had peace complete and utter peace when even family friends were openly grieving and crying I was dry eyed and I am a normally very emotional person. God is absolutely real!! HE changes everything. But it doesn’t mean you escape suffering it just means you have hope going through it and support comes to you at times too. Not as you think it will.
You cannot order what happens you just cry out and keep crying out and I was groaning too in my spirit which is very weird but it is when you are too tired to talk but you are feeling overwhelmed and it spills into groaning type prayers from deep inside you. Sometimes ideas come to you at the time just pop into your head so I followed through many times without stopping to think about it. Good ones.. Lol there were some I wouldn’t want to admit.. Absolutely crazy and very dark.

I lost my peace in these last few days so I wanted that back and this friend was instrumental in praying for me then. That is how desperate I felt. We had lost touch and I reached out because I could not carry on mentally struggling as I was.
People cannot help you in the hardest times or at least that has happened to me this way. They can support you.. Help you.. But the ultimate help only comes from GOD who is spirit and with us always whether we are aware or not.. And there were hours at night I battled alone or it felt it and I did not feel God I actually felt very far from him.. But I knew people were praying. I sat in the darkness reading scriptures from a book on my iphone called “The Secret Power of speaking God’s word” by Joyce Meyer.. I found the book in an op shop but also have it in ebook form on my phone. I just sat in the dark reading scriptures over myself till I was too tired to read. There are times you are tired but you have to say.. Ok I have to trust I have done all I know to do. I can’t read anymore or pray anymore I am lying down. I am going to try to sleep. And sleep did come eventually. Thank YOU GOD..I just woke up at many times at night and did this over and over.. Sleep.. Wake.. Read.. Pray.. Sleep.. Wake.. Etc.. Till the morning light came.. Gosh those nights are everlasting.

I also dressed myself in the Armour of GOD.. Find in Ephesians 6 putting on each piece of armor and speaking about how it was helping me.

I have been writing prayers to Abba through another book as a devotional. But at this time I couldn’t do that.. I was too tired and not mentally capable. I probably wrote some things without filters lol on face book and to people so I do apologise to those people. I noticed my filters dropped and suddenly I was saying things without thinking ‘is this is appropriate or not’.. I remember taking Zali to work and I got to her workplace and I was freaking out. I couldn’t go anywhere.. Clammy and felt so weak and sick to my core.. She was wondering why I couldn’t function but I was struggling to do anything but sit and just wait it through till it passed which thankfully it did.

Kids gave me hugs throughout which were great. My mother helped with things. Listened and my kids sort of had to fend for themselves but they are adults thankfully.. I realise I house share with family so I do not know what other people do without that support.. So maybe I am better off this way. I still had to drive around my kids to work. Slept more.. Sat more.. Eating habits changed. This is just a few days mind you. Lol. It even sounds weird comparing this short time to what many go through days, months, years and so much worse then this… But for the short time it was incapacitating like I have never experienced before..

I mean I have gone through divorce.. Losing my hearing over many years. Being deaf with a severe loss.. Losing a child. Single motherhood.. Being isolated by ongoing difficult relationships and just trying to deal with them and what it means to my life.. My youngest sister drowned.. Etc.. I have had struggles but this was the hardest when your mind goes your whole world tips over.. It affects everything around you and I am sorry to say so much of what people suggest falls so short and I tried to be gentle about answering them when I could most times I just said thanks and I felt such compassion for people who are struggling and weak to do much but feel utterly hopeless.. You are suffering and its painful and long and lonely and you are fighting and just trying to stay with it. I was out of sync within myself. How do you explain that? I am trying here but it felt much much worse.

Something greater going on despite the weirdness

Having doubts even writing this lol.

Why LORD why when nobody will probably read it?

But when something amazing happens the normal thing is to share it.. so in what feels an abnormal moment I will share it nevertheless.

Abnormal is what I would call my life. I know people might say I harp on about it. This life I live and being alone so much. But it’s my truth. Only recently a face book friend actually said they’d be in town, where I live and wanted to meet me. But its strange you know this person isn’t what you’d call close. A friend, acquaintance.. Someone I have known for quite a few years through our on-line group Unify and face book and I don’t remember how long or the circumstances of becoming friends either.

But that isn’t why I didn’t take him up on it. He and his wife which he didn’t actually mention but I know he is married were visiting family who live here. The thing is I hardly see a soul and being deaf means face to face is hard enough and I miss so much. I don’t really have anyone else to ask to come along with me to meet him.. like as a support. I only really see family these days. So I declined. Yes I guess seeing I am alone so much that it is rather a bad thing isn’t it to decline to see someone who actually wants to meet up.

It is just that texting on a phone or screen is easier than talking face to face and I don’t feel as comfortable in a social setting as I do texting. I will miss a lot of what is said anyway and yeah losing so much of a conversation and being uncomfortable all the time while you sit and try to work out what has been said isn’t fun.. Although I do ask people to repeat themselves sometimes that doesn’t work either and I feel so bad knowing the other person has said something to me I have no idea about what it was.. It’s not enjoyable and it doesn’t really interest me. Lol not that seeing him in person wouldn’t be good and they are not interesting.. its not about the other person perse.. I mean I love people but its frustrating for me and any good seems sucked up in anxiety.. I don’t think to be honest anyone would like to spend a few hours talking to thin air cause that is what happens yet here I am juggling the very same thing thinking why write my heart out if nobody will read it but I think at least its out in the world and can be found even years later rather then spoken once and lost forever.
I have to be honest and I do not feel that I could be my best or even half myself… meeting him. I don’t think he has ever read my blog here either and I feel he or anyone else would know me better reading here then ever you could know me face to face.. True honest.

In person I am not the same as my spirit or as I am creatively speaking. I am shy, I am introverted and I will freeze up. I will struggle to find things to talk about AND on top of all that I will be fumbling to communicate with you and struggle to hear you.. LOL it sounds like a fish out of water doesn’t it. 😀

Now I am not picking on him. But there is no chat back and forth between us regularly or even irregularly I think thats the same for most people on face book its a connection point rather then social point. You are friends you see an occasional update or too maybe comment here and there. You share your opionions and thoughts on your face book and they on theirs and you might even read up occasionally.

My fault as well it is just that if there was more contact I probably would be more inclined to be around someone even if it were a struggle. More connection.. More meaningful. More ease.. definitely a greater reason to push myself out there. I do not mean to disappoint anyone. Nor disrespect anyone. I find it very hard to be honest in these moments. But I would rather be honest then make excuses and just ditch people by not turning up or not saying how I really feel.. But as always the other person even when I’m completely honest it’s rare I know what they feel.. very few talk like I do.. so I guess that’s partly why it’s rare for me to find a connection.

In saying all that ha ha. I will get to the greater going on. My latest art piece which I have not finished by the way. And it could be rather embarrassing too because I was actually attempting to draw/paint my own brother. I have one sister and one brother on earth and one sister in heaven. My brothers photo added to show as reference.

I thought this time I should draw a guy.. the portrait before this one was a weird face guy.. it was refreshing to draw/paint a guy.. it wasn’t my usual portrait.. I especially loved drawing a character where I just had fun with freely drawing a face and letting what came come..

My own best attribute I feel is just being myself lol and not being afraid to be honest and let my imperfections show. The good and the bad..

I don’t believe I am a gifted artist. I believe I can do art and I am improving and I have talents but to be honest my art has imperfections and I never feel that I could get to the point of selling it because of this very reason. So I feel my art will mostly be just be for personal pleasure and also a beautiful freestyle vessel of communication and sharing my heart. Any artist that makes money lets be honest they are very good at what they do. There is an excellence about how they craft their talent & how they do it. And very rightly most art is pricey. Good art is and that is because it takes time and devotion and artists are worthy of that because they put their heart and soul into it.

Good artists are noticed and although some may not be appreciated in their time. All great talent is eventually realized because it wows us, it thrills us, it brings us to our knees, inspires, evokes emotions, captivates etc.. Touches and changes the world.

Now what excites me about my art isn’t so much the talent I have or that people are raving about it ha ha but what God reveals to me through HIS Spirit and though my imperfections which oh my is so empowering. I mean I literally get propelled through my life simply knowing that GOD is in this with me, no matter who else isn’t noticing… and it is because HE is with me and so supportive it gives me wings, joy overflowing and love like nobody else ever could.. All the while even though I am imperfect.. It gives me incredible fortitude.. hope spring up in my heart and I can find myself excited to share something like this even though many times the stats tell me very few and sometimes no one reads it. My art unlike my sharing here is getting more attention and it’s not the attention I’m after so much it’s that it’s a place where others come.. we meet where I share my art and I’m happy, free, not uncomfortable and I’m inspired..

It is EXACTLY this determination to press onwards where I feel and I recognise in myself that I know that I know that I know it is GOD in me. ❤ Art is not only where I communicate but where I connect best with others it’s also a place my soul/spirit senses Gods presence..

My latest art piece I have to share even unfinished because last night.. Or rather early this morning GOD was speaking to me in my half asleep time.

The picture was done digitally on an app on my ipad.

To be honest from the beginning it did not start to look like my brother and yes I was relaxed about it. Not anal. I starting erasing lines to and fro and I thought no no I want to be free with this. So I kept on drawing and not erasing. I was trying for a likeness though and sometimes in my drawings others have said they can see that likeness and I have seen that likeness for the subject but this was not one of these times. The more I worked on it the more it began to look like my on line friend Dustin in Canada. I was not thinking of him at all. But it looks like him though lol. I am not sure if that happens to any other artist? Draw one thing and it kind of morphs into something else or someone else. But even though I was using my brothers photo for a reference point and did not stop using it.. my online friend was forming in the picture and I have no idea why. Spirit surely does come and go as it wishes..

It was late at night I was drawing so I was tired and went to bed without finishing my art. I shared it with Dustin via messenger though cause he is also an artist but not a practicing artist lol he did 6 years at uni for art but hasn’t got the heart for it anymore. He is extremely talented too and very patient with me lol and I show him most everything ha ha.

It was overnight in Canada so I see now he has finally seen it. Haven’t talked to him though about it. But it wasn’t honestly about him that I was mentally aware of at the time.
The kicker is that before I went to bed I heard the Holy Spirit say. ‘There is a friend that is closer then a brother. ‘

Which is an actual scripture in the bible. And truth for me too in life because my brother Quentin and I are not close as siblings. Don’t see each other very often and very rarely talk together more than pleasantries.

Which is a complete opposite to Dustin whom I talk to via messenger every single day. Online bestie for many years and he is definitely closer to me then my brother..

Again I do not know what it means but even going back to earlier what I said about my strength being of my spirit more then my flesh or face to face. My art is showing me a far deeper and greater thing happening then simply what I am drawing or how good I am at it. Gods Spirit is right there with me in it.. in me while I am creatively expressing and I can see HE is sort of tying in my life, truth, creative expressions in what I am doing and they all sort of tumble together and come forth in ways that open my eyes to I think other worldly meanings and greater truths which I absolutely cannot keep inside myself I have to share. Isn’t that though exactly what we are meant to do though. Share our faith!!!

I am calling on GOD right now to help me remember but it’s not coming though. Seems so unfair you know when Gods Spirit was communing with me so closely in the dark hours just before sun up and it was woah… but like many dreams I have they disappear pretty soon after I wake and unless I scribble things down I soon forget..

It was early this morning in relation to my art and I think mostly it had so encouraged me that the scripture about a friend being closer to me then a brother that it came and so beautifully fitted with my art and what happened.. That it was a total God moment. This is exactly what motivates and drives me to write now. I rely on spirit and not flesh. God reminds the bible also says.. Flesh counts for noting..

I only wish I could explain just how wonderful it is to me.. I mean I literally have little use lol in this life for anyone.. Raising my children of course. A busy year for my youngest who is in final year of High School. She has a job as well. One more son at home and I run another son around to work etc who lives full time with his father. He is a grown up son though but doesn’t drive.

Not a great house keeper, do not work. Rarely leave the house lol. I do not go to church of a weekend. I cannot hear and God is with me 24/7 right here and I do get some of the social part via internet I mean I am connected to many believers in God via internet. Where I join in and pray with others. Share with others online. But mostly my life is very quiet and not much else.

I am not a motivated person. Art wise is the exception. It is where I am spiritually motivated but outwardly I am looking at what I put out into the world compared to say 5 years ago. I’d say less and less and less.. so much so that as I’ve said before it’s rare I show up on people’s radars these days..

I am not religious outward. I am different to what I used to be. How I used to post. What I used to say. How I came across.

But when GOD Spirit is right here with me. Despite all this. It is incredibly affirming, stabilizing. Peace & joy producing. Personal. Intimate. Spontaneous. Delightful actually. I literally feel my borders if there is such a thing expanding..

Perfect love drives out fear. So I can find contentment right here right now..

I love this from another artist whose magazine I receive in the mail via USA. Mandy Steward. E zine ‘Secret Message Society.’

She says.. I am further along than I thought I’d be at this point in my REVOLUTION. The words aren’t as necessary, nor is the being NOTICED. Who is left to notice?

That fits with me exactly..

I will share a picture of what she wrote..

Cause I love it. I do not have to be afraid. If God is for me who can be against me? And the wonder of it is.. GOD in me. Miracle right there. HE came as us.. Human.. To show us the KINGDOM is within. Humans. Flesh. As Spirit.

Maybe it doesn’t matter the intimate things HE was whispering to me in the early hours. They were welcomed and encouraging to my spirit and soul. They seeped down into the depths of me where I am found where few have found me and I am comforted and feel beloved and precious. Like God stopped the world just for me. Affirmed.. Held.. Loved.. Valued.. Tears come even though I do not remember word for word.. It is enough that HE came and I do not need to recall it. It is there inside me.

My art has been all about faces lately. Which does seem strange for someone who rarely is close to anyone’s face.. It tell me though something great. That Spirit is intimate.. Closer then flesh.. Face to face as lovely as it is.. Is not needed in spirit realms.

Otherwise Holy Spirit could not be our comforter and teacher. YET HE is.. In the darkest time just before sun rise HE IS with us. Speaking. I believe even to the masses who might not even acknowledge HIM.. Just like HE hovered over the void that was yet to be earth. HE is and we are in HIM. Even now as we are. There is not fear. Just believe.

Let’s face it lol

When you are aware of God so acutely you’re in the right place even if it feels the wrong place.. ❤️🕊

Numbers 6:24-26

The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.’

Untitled

I can’t think of a suitable title. So ‘Untitled’ is perfect. There are no words for how I am feeling today.
I am vulnerable and weak. Apart from a very late night pickup of teenagers at an out of town party.. Running on little sleep. I have been fasting food since Friday night or rather that was the last time I ate.
Prayer and fasting. For a very close friend. My best friend. The reasons are private but this friend has been more loyal than anyone else I know. The scripture says there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. And this friend is all that. Today I could break it but I don’t want too at least not yet. The scripture “when I weak, HE is strong”… is resonating inside me right now. I feel that power too. My stomach is growling and loudly but I feel this surge and I know it’s GOD in me and that is just a little too good to want it to end. And I NEED that. My friend needs that. Our world needs that. And I can use it.. I can use the emotion the spiritual elation. That hunger for food mirrors the emptiness of my life and the crazy life of lack that dogs me. The areas that crave connection to the point I have thought at times of not existing at all in this world. Because it has felt too much to bare. Too impossibly hard to yearn for physical connection I have missed out on and fall so short with. I know even though I am a loner, a self confessed introvert I still need soul connections. I need someone else but close and deep not shallow. Yes even I need not to be alone or not feel alone.

It reminds me of a movie I watched called ‘New Moon’ when Bella misses Edward. He suddenly removes himself from her life and she is desperate for him. Absolutely lost and desolate without his presence. But she finds out when she is in danger or testing her human limits that he appears to her and she goes out seeking similar so she can see him again.

Once before in my life I relied on religion and it was everything. Form, rules, obedience and routine to ritually act out what the bible says and what others who believed were doing too, what I believed Christianity was and what was expected of me. I would attend with my family and I was desperate when I had my own family for us to all be in the building together but my than husband was not as passionate the same as me and more often than not was not with me and it felt empty and I started to feel alone even in a crowd. We didn’t share it in life or religion the same.. Often I just went religiously with my children for a long long time desperate and hungry but you just say hello I am fine instead of tell it like it is. It was hard with 5 little children to do it without help and sometimes I was so busy with the children going in and out of the service for different needs I wasn’t gaining anything at all. I have attended a church since I was an infant in my parents arms up til maybe 4 years ago. Maybe its longer

The point in sharing this is. When I stopped going, when I lost that huge part of my life. My desire for God was still very much there I just wasn’t able to rely on those things anymore. I had to have GOD 24/7 not just sundays and with fanfare. I had to have HIM with me always and I knew HE was there because HE said HE was and I believed HIM. I just felt the trappings were distracting me and depressing me. Cause while I sat there all I could think of was all that I was missing and it sucked.
Due to traumas I have gone through I just couldn’t fit in a service with people’s backs to me. Unable to hear what was going on (deaf) and feeling so disconnected. It felt very fake and I couldn’t do it any longer. I was also failing miserably at keeping the show going. My performance level was zip. So much mental energy at keeping my family together that had now separated. And just found myself tossing out everything that drained me and kept only the most important things close to my heart. That was in every sense of the word. Physical, mental, people etc… If it harmed me, I lost interest, it went or eventually I weeded it out. Many people weeded themselves out lol without my help. 🙂 Perhaps it was God or it was just my way to cope. I don’t know.

Spiritually though my story feels like it was just been beginning. When you are not relying on one way anymore you adapt and do things differently. You flow into a new way, a different way and Gods Spirit became my comfort, joy, peace and strength. My everything. Art became so very important too like it was my hands on and my physical way to be a part of the process so that I wasn’t just sitting numbly I was flowing and active.

Creativity in expressing myself and how my spirit was moving and flowing. It became a main way to communicate though because a majority of people in the world do not see art/spirit the way I do I lost even more contact with people. I guess the more I slipped away from outwardly living the more important it became to me and the more people lost contact with me too. I don’t blame them for not getting me anymore. I just missed what I could have with them. What I wanted with them.. Deep soul. Getting each other and not just here and there but always having it. I don’t mean I needed to be in their faces or they in mine. But there are people you don’t see but when you do see them you just pick up again where you left off. You aren’t stressed in any way by time that has passed or anything one might call as lack. You just enjoy the here and now. Why on earth can’t I find those people???

On-line was easiest it still is. People who are heart people or spiritual people get me most. And strangely even with little contact you have depth and connectivity that is amazingly satisfying but it is a different realm. Many still do not recognize it but if you are aware or even start to be aware your eyes are opened to something pretty amazing.

I guess that is why today that weakness from no food is so powerful. Because I am diverting myself away from regular patterns and relying on being full with food and that physical energy. I am not eating and I am not thinking about food, not concentrating on my physical needs. I am tapping into my spirit/soul realm and despite the growling stomach and the need to get up and feed my body.. I am aware of a force within myself that is strong and fired up and its the me I am most in touch with and perhaps 95% do not know. God with me. In me. Helping me.. Me and HIM as one yet separate…
I mean honestly that is miraculous. It is so loud and clear to me that all is not lost. HE has not left me like so many humans have. HE is beautifully present and ridiculously crystal clear when I am not physically strong or not caught up in the ‘Do this.. Be that’… just wow.

I am better able to be aware of things normally that are quiet or even absent in myself. Like even as I am typing this my clarity of events and feelings are coming together in ways which are beyond anything I have realized before. I have read about how if you can keep on this path, push yourself out of comfort zones, push through doubts, blank pages, writers block, life block, gremlins of the art world/or one might call them demons or doubts about yourself even.. Just Being…
That tell you everything you are not and repeat to you all your failures and that paralyze you from growth and improvement and just enjoying life. You reach a place where you are literally tapping into sacred ground and into the highest power.. I suppose people might flinch and say ‘New Age’ which is a no no in Christian circles but only if you throw out the baby with the bath water. It is all God, Jesus, Holy Spirit to me yet in me. HE is the one I credit but this is the miracle that the kingdom of heaven is within. So I get to be the container of the most spiritual proportions in my own unique quality. 100% me flavored lol. The fragile vessel that HE says shows HIM up best. That there I like.. I like very very much.

You wanna see GOD. Just look inside me. ❤

l

Contradiction

Prompt – 

The Contradictions of my life include..

I had to look up the meaning of contradiction lol. I definitely love the meaning and it really does sum up the continuing story of my life.
Definitions for contradiction
Noun
opposition between two conflicting forces or ideas

One of the major contradictions has been my religion and how I live and express my faith.

If you were to scroll through my face book feed for example you might have a hard time pinning down my exact beliefs. In fact it might not show outwardly that I am much of a Jesus girl at all but anyone who truly knows me knows my heart. I have gone a different path from the outward signs and believe it or not it has not been easy. But I am getting freer.

All my life basically I have spoken, read, acted a certain way. Christian way. It is hard after 40 years to divert I can tell you. I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water at all though it may look like it. This path I have taken has unfortunately appeared to separate me from the main flock though. But like deafness which did the same this experience has changed me and helped me learn much more about God and myself than I knew and thought was possible. I know my boundaries very well but because people and distractions have been minimal Gods presence is more evident to me and I know within myself what is of me and what is not.

A living between worlds you might call it. What I always thought I knew opposed to what I am knowing and learning now because any type of survival living increases your knowledge. Truth is beautiful and it has been a huge step out of my comfort zone. Finding God via HIS Spirit with me in the here and now and that HE is always present and that I don’t need props to experience spiritual life gives me so much space but that has also meant separation from people which has been peculiar I can tell you. Still getting used to that.

The thing is it’s what you find on the edges and beyond that is so fascinating and not at all what you thought it once was. Of course it is hard, very very hard to go against the grain and live differently. The guilt oh my. The disconnection and I am deaf too so I’d honestly say it destroys you and builds you into a whole new person cause it makes for a very hard, dark, cold and lonely world when people turn their backs and nothing remains the same. You either return tail down defeated, shrivel up and die or find a whole new way to live. Spirit and Art has been my way through. I truly meet Gods Spirit in this whole process. Like a steady bubbling river always flowing and the awareness of even the smallest of details around you seem to line up and everything has deeper meaning and purpose but it appears to come at a cost you disappear off the radar. No longer can you live via external appearance and behaviour.  It has to be an inside job.

It forces you to actually think about what you believe and why you believe the way you do every single day. You are not just relying on what you are doing or what you are saying or what you have always done. You are actually thinking and in the moment every moment not just going into auto-pilot. Believe me when you are in midst the majority a lot of it is simply talking, doing and living like everyone else because that’s what you’ve been taught and you don’t realize it but every time someone affirms you who believes the same it keeps you in line. You will want to stay away from anyone outside that and that should be a warning sign because God is everywhere. We are all His children, people just do not know & realise the whole truth.

If everyone else around you is the same. It’s easy/easier to be that way especially if you only associate with similar minded people. Stop in any way doing or being like everyone else or being around people like that and suddenly you are faced with a dilemma you start to be challenged on all sides. I have been careful not to just throw everything away. I especially want to be real not fake. Such as.. if you say I am feeling fine when actually you are not.

I want what I believe to radiate out of me because it’s who I am within my heart rather than outward words or actions. Being deaf has taught me the value of looking into someone’s eyes/face, reading body language, the power of touch and just how an acknowledgment no matter how small when you can understand can change the direction of a day. I don’t want to force what I believe on someone or expect them to do what I do because its right or wrong. I especially love a quote by Rumi.

Out beyond ideas of
wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.

From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks

I want anyone to be truly comfortable being themselves in my presence as I believe God wants us to feel in His presence. Same as in this quote. I think of nature and how we don’t go out into nature and argue with it as to how the trees are planted, how the flowers grow or the sun is shining or not. We just enjoy it for what it is. To show our enjoyment we might take off our shoes and walk in the grass if it’s a nice day. Or we stand somewhere safe and watch the thunder storm or we look in awe at a mountain peak or even climb it. We spend hours walking along a sandy beach with water lapping at our toes. We gaze up in wonder as the stars come out at night. If only we could be in each others presence and just enjoy it the same. Just as we are without trappings, expecting someone to change or trying to find fault.

I feel religion is like a competition and I am always a loser. I know it is supposed to be ALL about God.. But do this or do that or don’t do this or that. Its all comparative. Least on my own with God I can totally be myself. I don’t have to put on airs and graces. He sees and knows all that other crazy stuff anyway and I can just enjoy HIM and HE me and its natural. I speak like myself and I can sing loud or crazy or cry or laugh or moan. I can just thank HIM or pray for people or my world. I also do not feel guilty because I failed in some way or another cause I know HE loves me and HE did it all perfect anyway so I don’t ever have to ever feel a failure so I can drop the ever present need to better myself.. In religious settings you cannot easily be yourself there are trappings and ways to do or not do things.. You can admit sin and all but you have to deny yourself and although I am not against change perse or focusing on God. I think those things will happen and should happen naturally and I think also when you know HIM in a real way and you know HIS love for you.. you just do different when you learn the truth and it goes down into all those difficult hurt places and you do not feel the need to pretend, put on a mask or perform..

Art-wise being spiritually expressive I am not forced, not stunted, I am free, not doing it because everyone else is doing it and I can enjoy it or even when I might be suffering in my soul I don’t know but you are dealing with it in a way that naturally heals and helps you through the release of it where your not being held accountable by people or clergy, shame, fear or judgment and its flowing out freely by choice not because you have too. It is pure Spirit.

I hear God say he is looking for true worshipers who will worship in spirit and truth. Authentically and with a whole heart I can say this is my aim.

It is another world really yet it is found within my skin and flesh. Kingdom of God is within. So why should I be trying so hard on the outside when the most important is all within? 

Day 13 : Challenge

Ways I live my life bravely..

I am writing this at a time, day, moment in my life where recent events have come to a head and I need to get it out of me. I don’t know if that could be considered a bravery but perhaps it is when I publicize it? I just cannot function and I know I will and do shut down if I do not do something more with it. I do not want to internalize it. Take the pain within and mull it over or continue to store it inside me. Bravery is facing it or getting it out and especially being honest about it. I want to get over it not keep reliving it and I certainly do want to learn how to cope better and how if anything I can stop it happening.

I do not have many at this stage I can talk about this with personally so yeah tough titties to those who would see me and think — grin and bare it or take it only to God. Cause that ain’t going to happen sorry I already take it to God and I still need to speak of it.

It is brave to speak the truth even if nobody wants to hear it or believe me. It doesn’t make it less true. It just destroys me if I say nothing and I am wiser than that. I won’t stay quietly suffering just because people cannot deal with me speaking about it.

I wish I could just solve it and get over it. I really do wish it. But sometimes when another person is involved and they keep doing the same things to me which hurts me. I cannot just say “I forgive you” and then let them keep doing it to me.. That is insanity. I deal with it and this is my way to do that.

I cannot just let someone treat me wrong because they do not think they are. That they use excuses to justify it or even gloss over it as if the problem is all me. Well hey if I am the problem then taking myself out of the equation is wise isn’t it. Lol yet they expect me to just stand their bleeding and get on with it and just forget it about it because it is in past. I will not especially if the past continues to be right now.

My blood and wounds may be invisible to you. My blood may run freely and still be invisible to you but this is not about you is it. You don’t need to read this. You don’t need to even consider this. I am not doing this to make you understand me or help you in any way. Heck no. I am doing this to survive.

Bravery even if it appears stupidity to you or anyone else is in-sequential. What is important is this is needed for me and I do it for me not you regardless of what you think or how it looks. I think that is strength and bravery right there. Though yes I do it publicly because for so long keeping quiet has made my life harder.

I have been hurt by how someone treats me. Someone that is close in relation to me. Someone who seems not to even know what they are doing even when I tell them and they do not seem to value at all how I feel about it. So all the speaking to them does nothing. At an impasse. This is my way to deal with it so it does not keep me down. I rise through the speaking. I do separate myself as much as I can from it. That brings its own problems but I will not just take blows upon myself because the other person doesn’t understand what it does to me. Maybe they do not understand my separation from them either but at least in the separating myself I am not being landed with blow after blow. That is far worse. Yes a quandary appears. I suppose everyone who only hears the other side would see me as stand offish. Rude. Uncaring. Bitchy. Cruel or even making the other person’s life harder. Again I do not do such to offend, place burdens on them but rather to protect myself from more harm. Often it is done out of sheer survival not to hurt but to help.

This is it then the need to explain myself as well but also because I need to say it somewhere. It helps immensely to validate that it is happening because believe me staying quiet is denial to me and not speaking about it eats me up inside. I am silently destroyed.

I sigh as I write. Why do I do this? Tell my side? To show that I am suffering? Does it matter in the long run? I need to do it. I need to say it somewhere so why not here? That I struggle with a relationship. It is said and I feel heard even as I type the words. I am not afraid to say it. I am not afraid to be honest about it. I do not think I am running the other person down when I talk about how it affects me. That is not my intention. I just thank God for the gift of sharing this way of writing. Of getting it out of me and that it matters to me even if it matters not to another soul.

Truth Matters

Creating art via journalling/digital ap and sharing it. Also I’ve decided to write a poem about my art!! 

I’m really encouraged to post this today. Haven’t blogged in ages. A few days ago I said a difficult thing to a family member. It’s hard for me to say how I feel believe it or not. I was more worried about how she’d feel than actually being true to myself and how I was feeling. But the greatest sign that I was right was straight afterwards I was creatively inspired and it was easy. For quite some time I’ve been blank again.. Uninspired and unmotivated.. So it really has shown me the way through!! 

 It was like my heart channel was opened again. I easily completed two art pieces!! This is the third! Plus a poem!! 

The thing that surprised me also was spiritually I felt the art was more powerfully expressing in a deeper way than ever before.. This is the most exciting thing. Because you know it’s felt such a fruitless, long, lonely path. Just existing really. But to see such depth of meaning from flat, boring, blank, what seems lifeless months.. Shows me all is not lost.. I have been learning in this vacuum of what feels no mans land. 

It is absolutely true you see Gods Spirit with you most acutely in your weakest state. You know your lack well. You know all that isn’t happening.. HE is that oomph from your empty vessel.. Gives you unbelievable hope!! 

Isn’t this the reason for poetry and painting? To express what we cannot say in common language?

“Sketchbooks Lisa Sonara”

I think it’s the reason also we fall so short.. So that the rising is so much more beautiful in its unfolding.

Sometimes you can’t express yourself the way everyone else does so you choose to find another way. You might not even do things the way everyone else does or do things everyone else thinks you should do. 

Sometimes to say how you feel is not socially acceptable. It makes you look pathetic and weak instead of brave. Sometimes things happen to you and the world around you doesn’t listen or are not open to hear you.. Writing and art is my way to express what I’m feeling and I love love love doing it!! It’s a freedom that I truly don’t use enough.. 

Screaming silently.

Noiseless suffering. 

Feels like drowning.  

Beneath deep waters. 

Emotions unexpressed. 

Keep me submerged.

I must throw off restraint. 

Look fear in the eye. 

Allow truth to surface. 

Buoyant spirit to arise.

Falseness give up its deathly grip. 

Slipping away into dark abyss.  

Alive with spirit wings. 

Breaking through. 

Where naked soul is welcome. 

Where honesty is desirable.

Where fear is no more. 

Unshackled in the wind. 

Soaring in the ebb and flow.

Emphatically free.

SMP – Peacechild4

Little Streams

(To create the digital image that fitted my poem – combination of pictures I used Diana ap.. A third picture miraculously appeared in my iPad ap. So astounded me! Worth mentioning here! Added it below so out of all my pictures that could have appeared that one turned up!!! So I decided to combine the three pics together. Ha ha the LORD wanted in and it wonderfully is what this poem is about anyway!)

Little Streams

Don’t be afraid to let go the broken pieces.
Cupped so tightly in your hands.
The pieces that you’ve gathered from near and far.
They pierce your hands even as you hold them.
Mingled with your blood and tears.
They’ve been trampled on and flung to the ends of the earth.
Nobody treasures them but you.
Let them go into the little stream.
I know your in a desert but see it.
Even here it still flows.
I know you’ve lost your way.
Can’t find your tribe.
The people who understand you.
Who embrace and love every part.
They are waiting too.
To join with you.
But first you must find that you are exactly where you need to be.
You are found.
Now let them safely go..
Each jagged piece matters.
Place them in the little stream because it always flows from where you are to where you need to be.
Just need to realize that you can find the little stream right where you are.
It will carry all that is misunderstood and all that is broken towards the purest crystal sea.
HE is there.
To collect and mend your broken pieces and welcome you home.
This little stream and every other all flow towards HIM.
Flowing to a place so beautiful you can finally show your full face and all that you are without shame.
Where there is no more hiding.
No need to escape.
No more being lost.
No more misunderstanding.
No more rejection.
No more abuse.
No more poverty.
No more injustice.
No more hatred.
No more evil.
Where your soul has yearned to be.
Where you are completely free.
Love lives there.
For the stream will carry all that has brought pain in your life to this healing place.
Your heart will be at peace as you fully release your earthly bondage.
Even while you are still kneeling there.
Wherever you are.
Whoever you are.
Unearthly strength will flood your whole being and instantly change everything.

By SMP ~ Peacechild4

  

  

Letter to 21 year old self

~Day 27~

Dear Sharon,

Happy 21st!!

I think back to that day and it was just your sister and yourself celebrating together.
Justin was up north. Your parents and brother were up north. I don’t remember why anyone else wasn’t there.
I am sure there were reasons and you had your reasons. I think the genuine few who might have attended were either sick or couldn’t come.
You were in your 6th month of pregnancy with your first born. I remember as you both sat there and enjoyed a very quiet meal. There was another bigger party going on in the same establishment.
You both noticed all the people together and the difference between you and them.

You were kind of a loner even back than too. Accept yourself Sharon.. You can be happy alone or with people. Either way you are ok.

Sharon you do have so much to look forward too.

I am your future self. I have only one chance to contact you.

So I am sending this to you on this momentous occasion. I have chosen this day for a reason.
To help you through everything that is to come.
To help you face the good times and the difficult times ahead. Yes there will be difficult times.
I won’t tell you what they are because things can and may change after you read this but I will tell you ways to help yourself get through your life as I know it.

You are brave Sharon. Never forget that.

Keep being yourself and let others be themselves too. You see this is the key. Don’t expect people to change but just love them anyway and most of all love yourself. God will be a major force in your life. I know right now your not aware of him the same. People have looked down on you because your married young and were pregnant out of wedlock. But you will have a beautiful family. Souls that bless Justin and yourself mightily… Just navigate the days ahead a little differently.

Stick close to the people who support you and show you love and acceptance in a way you can feel.
Justin is a good man but give him room. Let him be who he is. He isn’t your father so don’t expect him to be.
Don’t put expectations on people they will fail you.. Just love them and give them room to live the way they believe. Don’t just do your life like everyone else does. It is ok to be different. Please do not force your faith on anyone else as I know it has been done to you. I know that is what you have been taught. But it will cause major problems in your future. Embrace who you are but let people embrace who they are. Force does nothing but anger, repress and hurt people. I know it has shaped your life in ways you won’t realize which has been the reason you have abandoned your faith at this point. But true faith is freedom. It is the most beautiful thing on earth.

You see the people around you haven’t known the whole truth. They will misjudge you. Don’t live by what they say or how they treat you if they don’t accept you always. Understanding can be fickle because nobody walks in another persons shoes. Love doesn’t ever stop it draws out the best in people and loves them even at their worst and it may mean letting someone be free from what you hoped they might be.. It always believes and hopes and trusts.

Develop your creative side and when things get hard do not stop feeling or expressing yourself. This will save you a lot of pain. You are a creative loving expressive individual. Seek for people who are the same. When someone doesn’t get you or is hard to be around. Give them space don’t pressure them. Love them. I know I say that a lot but love isn’t force, or expectations. Love is patient and accepting of each other with all our flaws and strengths and it celebrates life in all its forms.. Find your own interpretation of the truth. Do not just accept what you have been taught. Let people also be who they are. Maybe doing this will change your life and whole direction!

Find your own way through. It’s ok to laugh and cry but everyone is not the same. Some are not emotional creatures like you.

Do not look to people for validation. This one will save you a lot of grief. You are loved by GOD always just as you are.. He doesn’t judge you like people do. He isn’t people.. HE made the people and yes they are like Him some ways.. But he is love and beauty and he will tell you this Himself when you most need it. He is with you always. He will never leave.. People will come and go in your life. He sees your heart and your deepest dreams and desires even when you forget them. He knows why you do what you do. You can rest in Him. He is good.. Remember that. People will say its about what you do. No.. Its about what He has done and especially for all of us through his Son and He has forever given us freedom to do and be. Seek Him and you will find. Even if you don’t seek Him He will always seek you.

You will make mistakes. They will never define you! Move on. You are forgiven. His grace is enough!!

There is not only one way to live life but only one source of life!

Enjoy your children.. You will have more.. Love them. It will go fast. Very fast. Let things go that you cant do and treasure every second with them. Hard times will pass. Your children will grow up and be good people and have their own views and they will make mistakes too. Teach them love and kindness and that they are valuable. It doesn’t matter what isn’t done but what matters is that they know God and you love them and accept them. Do what you can and be at peace. You are precious never forget that. No matter how people treat you. Remember you are unique and that is your power. You have much to give. Just by being yourself.

I really hope by sharing these simple things that you will be spared much pain and abandonment. Yes when you live differently to the majority people who shun you. People will misunderstand you but it doesn’t mean you are wrong.

There will be times when you feel very very alone and isolated. You are not ever alone. God is with you. If you keep telling him everything He will give you help through it and comfort you in ways this world could never help you. I truly see that these times are shaping you to help others because you can speak in a way that others cannot. These times are teaching you what real love is. Because love Himself is with you and in you and you have all you need. The rest is just added blessings.. You are enough!!

I expected things and was devastated when they didn’t happen. I tried to be someone I am not and felt lost. I always felt I did not measure up. I could never reach ‘it’ (whatever ‘it’ was). Do not measure who you are against anyone else.. Be YOU in all your fullest measure!! You will have good and bad days. Be honest about it if even if no one else is. You will draw people to you with your open heart but not everyone has good intentions. Beware. Go by your gut. Go where you are accepted and tolerated and where you can be yourself.

Life is precious. Soul is deep. Spirit is always life and peace. Joy is present even in sadness. He is peace.. He is life.. He is hope. He is joy. He is not judgment. He is not rules. He is everywhere.
Your whole life you have been in a building learning things that are not Him. He is not confined in a building. He is not people. He made the people. He made the world. He made you. He made the little life stirring inside you. He made Justin. He made your sister. He made your friends. Life is beauty. Life is free. Life is not the bad stuff.. That is consequences of people not valuing and knowing the preciousness of life and not knowing the real HIM. Life is not just rules either but respect and kindness go a long long way and valuing everyone no matter who they are.

Even when you face pain. There is a way through. Look to HIM. He can give you peace like you wouldn’t believe. He meets you anyplace. He is everywhere. He is love. Oh my. It is not by humanity you will understand this. But by Spirit. That which stirs within. If you can see the world. People. Yourself by Spirit. It will change everything.

I love you Sharon. You inspire many in the future and by being free and enjoying your life. You will inspire many many more. People need you even if they don’t realize it.. Just like you need them!!

God bless and keep you. May His face shine on you and give you peace.. See you at the end.. Ha ha.

  

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

You destroy my world.

 Shut your trap!

You don’t fool me.

I see you for what you are.

How you come daily.

Taunting that all is doomed.

How it should be done this way or that.

Through people who think they know better.

Ingested..

Slowly it entices death.

Causing sleepless nights.

Worry and fret.

Hatred of self.

Your standard unreachable.

Isolates and separates.

Always straining towards.

Never reaching.

Forever discontent.

Happiness fleeting.

Relentless but why listen?

Nothing new to say.

Pick, pick, pick.

All distortions.

You infect.

I see you in people’s eyes.

Hear you in their biting remarks. 

I know it is you.

Casting doubt.

Pondering the worst.

Pitting one against another.

Who are you to destroy?

No need to bow to you any longer.

Truth brings freedom.

There is a choice!

Does not bind up.

Will not cut down.

Builds up.

Exquisite love.

Accepts with delight.

Welcoming.

Invites growth.

Awakens creativity.

Those who speak it unearth beauty.

Smiles pass one to another.

Eyes windows to the soul.

Not daggers.

Healing balm.

Life abundant!

I reject your lies in every word, shape and form.

However they come.

Embracing only Truth.. 

Breathing it in and exhaling it out!

Saving my world forever.