Tag Archives: Personal

#metoo

Standard

If I compared my story to others I wouldn’t share it at all. It doesn’t seem bad enough. It was just one moment on a night many years ago. But like other deep issues I have shared openly about in the past. Being honest and authentic is powerful and freeing and can help others as well as help me..

Too many times I have missed the boat. I have waited too long to say something and the moment has passed by. I am doing so now because others are too. It did happen and it was scary. I was lucky it was not far worse and that I woke up and could get away and that it never happened again. I felt vulnerable after wards. I often think of my own daughters and how I want to protect them maybe if they read this it will help them think about who they are with and what can happen. I hope they know they can always tell me anything. I will share with them who it was because I believe you think it cannot happen to you. But it can and it can be a shock that it can be someone one knows.

There is a time to share and a time to be silent. I think this is the time to share. Especially when many others are sharing openly too. Who knows what God can do through us sharing our stories. Who might be helped and that we might somehow open eyes to prevent things like this happening again if that is possible.

I had to search for the meaning of sexual assault because if I didn’t know I would think it was only rape.

But it also means attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person’s body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person’s consent.” ~ From a google search.

I was 18 or 19. It is very hard for me to share this because of what actually happened and who did it. I am afraid and I don’t think it helps anyone to name this person here. I am not going to say much at all actually. But I was drinking one night with some other people and went to bed alone not far away from where the other people I was with slept.
I was living in a caravan and I am pretty sure I would have locked my door but I cannot be 100%. I do not know how drunk I was. But I was sleeping soundly so soundly I didn’t hear anything until I was woken. I woke up to find someone in bed with me and they were touching my body in very sexual ways. At first after the intital shock wore off and I guess I must have been still groggy because I didn’t freak out though I am sure my heart was racing.

I at first thought it was my boyfriend at the time; he was sleeping somewhere else close by.
I think because I was so alarmed I was too frightened to speak, so instead cause it was still dark. I used my hand to feel if it was him. Tried to recognize his body and what he felt like in the dark. My hand felt along the body up to this persons throat and I remember feeling a chain around their neck. Now my boyfriend did not wear jewelery?!? So I immediately knew it was not him. Because of the people I was with before I went to bed were not far away and this person was one of them. I recognized who it was and I got out of that bed as quickly I could and fled. I was bawling when I got to what I considered a safe place and woke up my boyfriend. I don’t remember much else. My cries woke up the other people and I had no desire to return to my caravan till the next day.

Nothing like that has ever happened again. The person who was responsible I do not know when they left the caravan and what happened to them after wards. I actually don’t think I ever saw them much again if ever. Apart from the people present I told no one else perhaps one or two others years later on. I couldn’t sleep well for a long time. Even though this person was not around I would check and recheck that I locked the door. I would sleep facing towards the door (as if that would protect me) and for a long time I couldn’t sleep easily without fearing someone would come into my caravan again.

I don’t think it was any more than that person just touching my body under my clothes and being in my bed with me and of course the shock of waking up to find this person in my bed. But I was either sleeping soundly or drunk and don’t remember anything more. I don’t recall any evidence that my body had been raped thank God.. But it is still eerie and scary that I did not hear anything (I am deaf now but back than at that age my hearing was perfect)and that I did not feel the bed move or feel the person climb into bed with me. It was a caravan double bed and I slept on the side closest to the door. There was not much room around the sides of the bed and I think the other side was attached to the wall? But I cannot remember. He was on the other side of the bed and like me had been drinking earlier and was not a small sized person. That gives me a very weird feeling but I know I did nothing to cause it. It was something that happened to me. I know other stuff since.. But I can’t say it because of what it relates too. Yes perhaps sharing this people I know will add things up or guess but if so please speak privately I just feel this is all I want to say right now. I am unfortunately fairly transparent though I am trying not to be here not to protect this person but because it is my story and that is all it is meant to be. I am not trying to make trouble for anyone but just share what happened to me.

It is something one would consider very hush hush.. And it was a long time ago I am 47 now.. I wish I could say more. But I really don’t feel I can.

I am so glad people are speaking up about sexual assault. I just hope awareness and bravery change things for everyone.

I want to thank Cristy for sharing her story today on face book. Often these days I have little motivation. Little to no direction. Though when I saw the #metoo surfacing around social platforms I thought should I share my story too? I have been thinking about it and her sharing opened the door for me to share today. To share anything these days is a miracle for me. So much has shut me down. To find something/anything these days to connect me to others is so precious beyond words. It is powerful beyond sharing what has happened. It is knowing you are not alone with what you face in this world and others bravery invites you to do the same.  I just feel empowered like I haven’t for quite some time and therefore I do not completely disappear or shut down but I have a reason and opportunity to speak up too.

To share like this when I feel so little going on in my creative life and my physical life is more like a stunted plant. It is incredibly encouraging and gives me hope for everything else. I am thanking God for HE is what keeps me going. I see all things work together for good. HE uses pain. HE uses things in our past. HE uses our brokenness.. HE uses people in our path. HE uses our gifts such as my writing and desire to share openly. So even though so much in my life doesn’t make a lot of sense. I can trust HIM to use this too.

IMG_4019

Advertisements

If my life is my art, then…

Standard

JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 17

ARTMAKING

“Life is pure adventure, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we will be able to treat life as art.”
— Maya Angelou

Today’s Journal Prompt

If my life is my art, then…  Here I am.

I did an art journaling piece for this day 17 and also wrote a poem. Taking my time with this 30 days. 🙂

Took me about 24 hours to do so. I have been participating in a free Mental health and literature university course so what I have been learning has influenced the way I wrote it. Using a rhyming parameter within the poem because I like the challenge of fitting in the content of what I want to say to a sort of guideline. I haven’t let myself get too pedantic with it because I am still learning to write but I worked with it quite a while to make it sound more the way I wanted it too and feel proud of myself I had a go.

I really don’t know what to name it lol. so atm the poem has not got a title.

The art journaling quote is actually adapted from a talk by Stephen Fry when he spoke on a video lesson from said University course above. Resonated with me. I used my own writing  to show it has personal meaning to me.

I think my art is too simple but yet the spirit in me is NOT simple and I have to get over the fear that my physical life (deafness, shyness, introversion, simplicity and lack of social skills) doesn’t restrict my spirit.

I can connect to others despite myself and still make my way in the world.

I love love love the explanation Stephen Fry shares of how an artist uses his or her craft. My heart leaps inside me to be of this kind. It is exactly what I hope and wish the time I spend, the work I put into my art be for. That this isolation I face daily, this being alone so much actually has a purpose in the whole scheme of things and my writing and art journaling is in actual fact a bridge of connection for me to walk over spiritually, mentally, emotionally etc

With this whole days prompt I have tried to describe what art means to me, how it helps me, why I do it and why it is SO important. I really am learning to define myself better and can you believe it. Use less words lol. I tend to over explain everything though. Poetry is good for condensing what you want to say.

I am trying not to be too religious rather I want that to be seen in my heart and expressions, not just because of my language and outward appearance.

But it is hard not to be. I have been religious almost all my life. So its a challenge not to put God in there as I think people want Him to be in there or even how I think HE should be in there. I want to try new things. God is always my source so I want my heart to flow from that naturally. I am rather tired of the religious trappings and it tends to stifle me too. I have learnt to bypass the way most people communicate because of deafness and I think yes unlike the parameters in my poem. I want to be anti boxed in with my spirit. I want my soul/spirit/expressions to be real and authentic and find a connection not just with religious people but all people. Everyone has a spirit. God is everywhere and HE can speak to people in many ways and I try to push the boundaries of how I express my faith.

 

Perimeter of my life.

Gauging the edges.

Authenticity from strife.

Flows beyond inspiration.

Not just a heart expressed.

Spirit healing co-ordination.

Channeling Kingdom within.

Transparent of heart.

Communication is the thing.

Breaking through cessation.

Art the portal.

Soul colored exclamation.

– Peacechild4 :SMP –

 

Flowing from my Heart

Standard

Two things are on my heart right now.. Divorce.. and keeping things “Personal”.. I bracketed that word because that is who I am.. I like to be honest and open and I am created needing to share things.. I don’t have a great deal of people I talk about things too.. So for me writing.. journalling.. diaries and social media are a way to get things out of my insides.. My voice so to speak.

A friend wrote on her face book recently how we need to keep things personal private. I don’t agree speaking about myself and I wrote some of what I feel in response. Obviously each to their own but its not fair to blanket approach everyone the same. Specially with a platform as popular as “Facebook”.. Now probably some people do indeed say too much or talk too personally and you do have to be careful especially when you are referring to others in our sharing. I have myself got into trouble there.

But in a world that is slowly or quickly becoming less personal I think being ourselves is more crucial than ever before.. Now I am open that is me.. and I realise others are not.. But that shouldn’t mean I cannot be me just because others are not comfortable.. If people don’t want to read then don’t. Thats where I find a blog is great.. though it isn’t easy.. I have children online who have access and many friends and family.. Do I want to personally share things and have everyone I know read it? Well I do link blog posts to Facebook but that’s me.
Sometimes there is a fine line as to what actually can be said.. but it certainly makes you creative because I will still write knowing it could be read by many I know and it does make me think about how I come across!!

I have not thankfully lost too many people.. meaning people befriend me because I am offending them.. there has been a few family members which is very hard and a few others. But mostly most have accepted me for who I am and what I share. Probably less now respond than ever before but it’s not about responses I am learning more just to be me and this is me!

I do appreciate people being open and truthful and especially brave hearts that open up and be who they really are without fear of being rejected and taken the wrong way.. I like quirky!

I also mentioned divorce above.. I have been reading an autobiography and the author when writing (1996) was happily married a long time and had at the time been with the same man since a teenager.. I did a check online which I now wish I hadn’t at least not yet – Wikipedia – and found out they are now divorced.. I am so sad.. Of course I don’t know the details but in the book they seem happy and inseparable.. I guess my own divorce a few years ago still deeply affects me.. I am surprised at the intensity of my feelings over reading about this marriage breaking.. To me marriage should be for life.. Love forever.. I still believe in it. But divorce happens.. Still so sad.. I have a bit to go in the book so maybe I have destroyed my chances at enjoying the rest of the book.. I have been so enjoying the love between this couple.. The woman is a celebrity and that they had a long happy marriage was exciting to me.. Sigh.. I wonder how it will change the story that I am reading knowing this now?

It affects you every day.. He is one place I am another.. Kids two homes.. Life has majorly changed going from married to single.. Your future was ahead of you to raise kids and age with someone beside you.. Now it’s divided homes and ???? as to the future.. Everywhere you see a family you are reminded of what you no longer have.. Everything is different.. All that you have are memories.. You still have dreams but now they have to change and I have not ever found a new dream.. You still love at least I do.. But unreciprocated feelings left inside to fester.. I pray.. I cry sometimes.. I hope.. I wonder.. I trust.. I open my heart and keep feeling and keep believing…

20130810-143329.jpg