See My Heart

Standard

((Warning long post.. it’s in depth sharing about poem..))

I was amazed how quickly this magnetic poem appeared. The image behind it is from a magazine I think it was a surfing one not sure..

I tear out and cut out images all the time and use them and store them. So if anyone recognizes it and the photographer let me know so I can credit them.

As soon as I saw it the image resonated with my heart. I had it on my wall for a little while then tucked it away with plans to do something in the future but didn’t know quite what at the time.

I don’t know if I have been stalling or putting off or there is a right time and today was that time. But I have known for quite a while I want to share my heart with my sister. She has been trying to connect in small ways but my heart has not known how to reply. I know I know just do it eh.. I only wish it was that simple. Art has been my bridge to the world so it makes sense today that I could easily write a poem and then share it here on my blog because this is where my heart can be more freely seen. I am comfortable writing and expressing myself this way. Face to Face definitely not.

At the moment of writing I do not intend to post it directly to my sister or share on my face book where she can see it or anyone else for that matter. Maybe after I finish and draft it up pray first before I decide what to do with it and whom sees it. My blog doesn’t get much attention but if one wanted to know my heart it is available 24/7. Even if I post a link to it on face book it doesn’t mean it will be seen but if I pray I can trust God it is seen by anyone that needs to see it. I think sometimes I just needed to share for the sake of sharing. Where no one is forced to read it only by choice would they read it so I can be free to share as much or as little as I wish.

Update.. I told my sister about this poem and writing and said that I wish to share with her. No reply for 9 days. So it appears my sister is not interested. I’m glad I approached her first.. I have peace to share here now.

It is sort of an indirect way but a comfortable way also its a necessity to express how I am feeling and I function better in every area of life when I can do this. Never intended as a direct message to anyone rather it is an expression of my heart about something that has been on my heart but in no other way have I been able to deal with it or move forward.. It is my way to face it I suppose.

I cannot sit down with a counselor or anyone much because of deafness.. I cannot deaf sign either so I cannot invite an interpreter to help in a counseling session or conversation. So I cannot really communicate well enough to get the full benefit of getting things out safely that way. It has to be where I can flow and also a safe place to do so. I used to be able to share easily but the flow dried up over the years when difficulties kept coming at me and I lost contact with so many people even though I have been active on social media. Art has been a salvation of sorts but you have to keep at it and there has been many days when I could not even be bothered doing that and it was mere survival art and creativity to keep myself active rather then my soul story working for me on a page to propel me forward or connect.

In case you think this is better said directly then written. I have tried many many times in the past to say how I feel. Our family like my parents and siblings we just don’t do private sharing amongst ourselves well I have not experienced it much its chit chat but for me never as deep as I need it to be. I do not know if that stems from our religious beliefs or that is just how we have always been. I know in Christian circles it seems to be a lack of faith or even that we have unforgiveness in our heart if we dare to speak of past things or ongoing struggles with people etc.. Between God and us or them only??? Of course deafness doesn’t help either.

Last year when I broke down one of the things I did was write things on a piece of paper.. Things I needed healing over and people I needed to forgive etc.. I did that then burnt it. I do believe I forgave people and I was surprised what came out of the inside of me.. BUT.. It appears to me that there is something more needed here.. I realise even if others can’t or do not wish it I need to connect and be open hearted and in some way have something come back to me I mean how can anyone build on intimacy or grow in a relationship where there is no give and take.. I feel even if nobody replies I am at least making an effort to keep speaking even if it stays one sided.

To speak or share with others or just being human that way I do not know but I have not found my place with even my own close loved ones and believe me I have been on my knees and crying praying much about it. I do know I am not perfect nor have followed the path of religion the same as many I know even my own close loved ones but it doesn’t mean I do not have faith or I do not wish to be interested in their personal lives..

I just express my faith and soul differently thats all.. But before God HE knows my heart on this I have been led by HIS Spirit and sense that GOD is leading and it may not be how everyone else would do it. Or think I should.. But before GOD I do find peace and strength and hope and help and support and HIS hearing me I worship in Spirit and truth rather then in a physical capacity so I suppose I do understand why people have lost touch.. I do find my joy here.. Deep sharing though does take a toll even when it is how you are created. Nothing was meant to be just for only one.. I felt exhausted after writing this & it’s been sitting since end of last month..

In Spirit I feel God and I can do impossible things.. I know God’s power in my weak state.. I believe God is with me and it gives me hope.. When you lose contact with everyone else though and how they worship and communicate and do it differently, it can feel a lonely road you travel.. But you know that the very reason you are surviving it and continuing to look up is because HE is empowering you otherwise you’d have collapsed a long time ago.

I do not know but heart sharing has always been my way forward and when I didn’t find an environment where I felt able or safe or not weeird in my doing so.. I kept things to myself or shared them online and started telling GOD everything.. I stepped backwards from all I once knew. My sister herself said I closed my heart but if I did it was not for lack of trying and I can honestly say before GOD my heart many many times was an open book and I was painfully honest to my own detriment publicly. Sharing openly online my heart was an open book perhaps that is why so many stepped back physically too because I was kind of bleeding and doing things differently and it was raw and radical at times.

I just got frustrated that it seemed to be I got to point that people didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t think of what to say back or I was failing to say things the right way.. I seriously don’t know why and I found less and less people to talk too and then meanwhile my hearing deteriorated? I mean I was truly in a world on my own.. The less you talk like others the harder it is to say it normally and the more you flouder when you do try.. impossible much.

Like a tap that has had no flow sometimes you need to turn it on and let the crap flush before a good steady stream comes flowing out of it once again. I feel exactly the same except its going to be murky and messy till I can find that flow again. I felt judged and unsafe and extremely awkward so it comes in spits and starts and well its not pretty like that or beautifully expressed and it is definitely not perfect.. as if it ever could be.. It’s not my truth either if I cannot be free to be myself and especially if I am not believed or I feel judged.. I clam up. I give up. I start to internalize it.

I know it is part of how I am created that I struggle with only daily chit chat and going on as if everything is rainbows and unicorns.. I cannot easily do it so if I desire deeper and healthy sharing and lets face it just sharing because that is who I am.. I flail to even be civil when someone is pushing on me but not really speaking anything I can relate too..

I hate that because I do not want to be mean and unkind and seem disinterested but if you have to talk about anything other then what’s in your heart it to me feels very fake.

Because in order to be me the tap needs running to flow again and if people won’t wait for it to clear well you never really get anywhere and I get that people do not want to be around a half hearted person or a full on person that is conversing in a different way then what they are used too..

My wish is that in my art my whole heart is seen and that I find connection this way and there may be some understanding.. Art has been extremely helpful in all of this a true and vital God send way to express what I can’t the normal ways..

And I do not think forgiveness just means period end of chapter either. Burn the book. Even resurrected Jesus has scars from what HE went through on behalf of mankind. It is normal to close the chapter yes and move forward to the next. But every chapter is a part of the whole story even if you burn that book or never reread it. Those things still happened and even if you forgive you never forget. Everything we go through is part of what brought us to this place in our life and made us who we are today.

I know I can find peace for extremely hard things this has been my salvation too. BUT I cannot find peace with anyone else if there is not a baseline of truth and I do not know why I sense this has not been the case with my sister and I maybe the only one that believes that in my heart because outwardly it can look so different and its not that I do not want peace or am struggling against making it.

My former husband fell out of love with me and told me this and although hard to hear I respected him very much for that. I could survive that. We have peace. This with my sister has been very different and in the most part unspeakable.

So I wrote this poem using a small magnetic kit that has very limited words etc.. I mean it’s not the usual kits I use where I have built up an extensive selection of words. It was a kit I bought at Spotlight that is smaller then my other magnetic poetry sets and has very basic type words..

But that it has fewer words was a challenge to say what I felt with limitations through this set I love love love that it came quite easily and it really says something to me that I have learned and grown through all this to express myself even through challenges and limitations.. I think that really says that the timing is right to write this and it all fits..

I have had to make incredibly hard choices to get to this place. I have felt alone. Unsupported. Unable to say easily how I feel and make connections that keep me socially relevant and given me the confidence to work through it. I feel I have been gagged a long long time at least in ways that I needed to feel believed and supported to heal and find my place in the world again especially amongst my own family.

At this point I have not felt heard by those who could have supported me and cared for my heart. If I had had that I do not believe this would have been such a long and lonely journey and I wouldn’t have so much to say. But in saying all this I know in the Kingdom of God nothing is wasted. No experience is beyond Gods capacity to use it for good.

Right after I finished writing that poem I noticed this little message displayed in my bedroom.. Image added below the poem which says..

This I believe that truth will set free. (Created by artist Mandy Steward)

And I know seeing this straight after I finished it that GOD is with me in this and although I so wish I could just go ahead like normal and say nothing more about the past.. just say hi how are you etc..

Ohh how I wish that were the case.. That I wasn’t the one to be messy, putting my heart out there AGAIN.. And I was this neat, normal little person who does things like everyone else and doesn’t stand out or make waves or think it was all about me when I never have but that the circumstances have made me cry out loudly and keep crying out to be heard..

Alas I can only be myself.. do as my heart is fitted to do and that is share my truth.. He knows.. I believe despite everything that I have done the best I knew to do under the circumstances and I am so glad I found a way forward which I believe HE has empowered me to do when I felt like there was no way forward. My deepest hope is I am met on this journey and there is peace on all sides and it is meaningful and beneficial for all concerned.

—-

Comments are closed.