Delta and some lol….

‘Delta’ is my newest art piece and it is real nice giving it a name like normal artists do.. 🙂 Also it is really fulfilling to sign my initials on my art piece too.. I get why artists do that now.

Delta is my former husbands doggie.. and she’s a fully fledged member of our family. She has accepted me as if I belonged there and that is the wonderful thing about Justin and I we are at home both together and apart. I think personally Delta was sent from heaven lol because she has just helped me heal and we all love her.

I even did some research on the meaning of her name late last night.

Now it depends where you source the name but I found on my search..

Delta

1. the fourth letter of the Greek alphabet.  translated as ‘d’

Which resonates with me as online my name is Peacechild4

Another meaning is – a change in a figure or amount..

Change.. wow that struck me. Our whole family changed when Justin and I separated and then ended up getting a divorce.. Different homes.. different paths etc.. it did change us all. Justin’s life has also changed of recent too with surgery and he has lost a massive amount of weight (figure fits here) . He is honestly a different person now in many ways so that is a big change. I see that Delta helps him for company sake and also he loves taking her walking or rather she takes him.. She gets so excited! I do not think he could not take her now.. lol.

I see that we have all been changed by having Delta around. Unconditional love does that doesn’t it. New life.. new member of the family changes the whole family dynamic for sure.

I have truly not worked on an art piece like this ever to the intensity as this one. It is digitally drawn on my Ipad using an art ap called Procreate. I used a 6b pencil brush (with an apple pencil) for most of it I think. You can zoom in close to do very fine details and I learnt so much doing that also what not to do lol. So I am sure next time it will be quicker. I felt my intuition kicked in which is so inspiring. I wasn’t just copying but actually found myself thinking constructively about how things looked and moved beyond just seeing but to creating what I somehow knew worked and in doing so I found my own way to get it done. That surprised me.

Usually I post everything or almost everything straight to face book but I am not going to do that today. This blog post will be shared yes. But I just feel if people actually want to see this they should work a little too.. My writing is important to me too and for a long time not so much support here and I really think I need to pull back on sharing creative arts that get not much back and not because there is no attention its just that putting your heart out is tiring even when you enjoy it and when you are constantly doing it and I can be honest.. It does hurt to get little back and it makes you want to retreat and I have done enough of that .. It’s not that I expect people to read it as I find many times I too cannot be bothered with long reading sadly because I myself can go on and on lol and I think in this modern age we get used to instant and tid-bits here and there and you do need to devote time to reading longer things and be in the habit and right mindset.

I just think this creativity is work for me even though I don’t get paid and I think anyone appreciates something better if you work for it a bit lol. It makes you value the work, time spent and effort that much more.. so although there is danger in placing these thoughts further down the page where they might not be seen..  It helps me know where people are at.. myself included..

It is just that I can actually see who comes here and that is encouraging but it also helps me if people are coming to want to keep creating and THAT support is so vital to being all that I can be.. Not just that I am gaining skills but I can be given support and any support means more art and more encouragement and that is actually an important need that others can help with.. Without support many people give up I know I have pushed on many, many times with little support but everything is harder unfortunately.. I know I have struggled a lot and I do not want retreating to be my only go-to..  I have learned I need people and that people need me too and I do have something to give…

I know it is about facing the front and doing the work and I am proud of myself that I’m doing just that and especially glad there are improvements I can personally see and not just in my art but also my self confidence is growing and I am facing life differently.

One other thing I want to say as I share this art piece is I am learning so much more about GOD too.. I don’t mean to just tack this on the bottom of my writing. But all the time spent honing in on my art I forget all my concerns and I just reread my last blog post here and oh wow I have come even a ways since then..

There has of course been times since that post when I have had sleepless nights but thankfully lately I am sleeping better. Ohh what a blessing a good nights sleep is. Reading on face book I have quite a few people on my prayer list for good sleep.. it seems quite a few suffer. It truly robs you and the amount of energy you have for a normal day. I have had some nightmares at times too. I have also had to go through days and deal with anxiety which also lately has been non-existent. Anxiety truly makes the days harder when you deal with it on top of normal life.. So much more I could write but this post is about the art.. Doing the art has helped enormously. For that I am so thankful.  I did lose my joy for awhile but it is returning..

Just like with digital art you learn and I am still learning how to blend.. GOD is the master blender. HE can take two sides and bring them together like nobody else can and nothing else can. Seamlessly.. When you look at the art normally you see it one way but when you look up very closely you can see all these different coloured pixels that do not match well at least I do.. arghh lol and I have spent ages going over this art trying to get it as perfect as I could. There will always be pixels that aren’t right in my art I am afraid.. but I did the best I could despite at times not really knowing what I was doing.. You can mess up so easily but thankfully with layers in digital art you have some modern help and I love the erase and also the rewind and forward buttons.. Probably not called that in real life but you can wind back to something you previously did if you stuff up and that is immensely helpful.

At 6:24am this morning I wrote that through blending pixels in my digital art GOD was healing me.. showing me that it ok to take my time to heal and that HE knows all that isn’t perfect in my life and HE still loves me and accepts me and still calls me HIS masterpiece.. That is ok to go back and face something and then move on and let it go as if it never happened because to HIM when you face it HIS way it is finished with.. gone.. nada.. And when I was satisfied with it even with a few or more pixels not quite right.. I signed my name.. gave my art piece a name and it was done.. I am happy and it is good.

Truth bomb..

That faults happen to us all that is why HE was perfect for us so we could live imperfectly and even enjoy it.. ❤

*****

 

 

Impossible days

Suffering takes away pretence, fear and the need to use filters. You just want it to end period. You will do anything but the truth is.. You have so little energy and if you give up you die. I unapologetically and stubbornly adhered to faith in GOD. I pushed through when it seemed to get worse and I wanted to stop. I share cause I wish to help anyone suffering. I sympathise with you and do not want to play down how much you are personally going through this was just my journey. I want to help you find help and a way through also and I will pray for anyone who asks.

Last few days for me felt impossibly hard. Yet as I look back it seems such a drop in the bucket of any type of suffering. But it went achingly slow as I passed through it. As a believer in GOD for me it was a spiritual battle that spilled over and affected my very mind. It was hard to think about anything. My mind was thinking ridiculous things and I was losing control of it. Such a strange strange feeling. I was stomach sick same time so I was so drained. Devoid of energy. Bad dreams and not much sleep. I was zapped and felt so anxious and like a paralysis. Like having to think and move through thick treacle. So bodily tired because I was fighting mental battles in my head. Never gone through anything like this.

My mother helped with day to day running around. I probably shouldn’t have been driving but at times I couldn’t find anyone to help. I want to write this up in case anybody else is helped.

I am at the other end of it now. Still feeling weak. Like not quite myself but the mind battles have stopped.

I was constantly quoting scriptures. But at the time it was hard to speak loudly or sing praise as someone said and I did everything to the best of my ability at the time even if it sounded like a grunt to anyone else. I asked for prayers on face book. I believe they saved me from far worse. I absolutely do.

I recommitted my life to GOD.. I did everything I could think of. All the things that have worked in the past didn’t seem to touch it. I felt like screaming.. I was walking about battling in my head wondering if my family could tell. I did eventually tell my parents even wrote on face book in comments I was struggling mentally. I have never done that before and I have had many low times in the past.

I even reached out to a friend who I had not spoken too in years. Who prayed for me when baby Tyler was ill back in 1997. I just knew her prayers back then had given me such peace and helped me through an impossibly hard time and I not only knew peace for the situation back there but I was comforted for baby Tyler who also suffered.. To know that kind of peace lifted so much grief and sadness and changed a very difficult experience to something that was life changing in the best ways. I had peace complete and utter peace when even family friends were openly grieving and crying I was dry eyed and I am a normally very emotional person. God is absolutely real!! HE changes everything. But it doesn’t mean you escape suffering it just means you have hope going through it and support comes to you at times too. Not as you think it will.
You cannot order what happens you just cry out and keep crying out and I was groaning too in my spirit which is very weird but it is when you are too tired to talk but you are feeling overwhelmed and it spills into groaning type prayers from deep inside you. Sometimes ideas come to you at the time just pop into your head so I followed through many times without stopping to think about it. Good ones.. Lol there were some I wouldn’t want to admit.. Absolutely crazy and very dark.

I lost my peace in these last few days so I wanted that back and this friend was instrumental in praying for me then. That is how desperate I felt. We had lost touch and I reached out because I could not carry on mentally struggling as I was.
People cannot help you in the hardest times or at least that has happened to me this way. They can support you.. Help you.. But the ultimate help only comes from GOD who is spirit and with us always whether we are aware or not.. And there were hours at night I battled alone or it felt it and I did not feel God I actually felt very far from him.. But I knew people were praying. I sat in the darkness reading scriptures from a book on my iphone called “The Secret Power of speaking God’s word” by Joyce Meyer.. I found the book in an op shop but also have it in ebook form on my phone. I just sat in the dark reading scriptures over myself till I was too tired to read. There are times you are tired but you have to say.. Ok I have to trust I have done all I know to do. I can’t read anymore or pray anymore I am lying down. I am going to try to sleep. And sleep did come eventually. Thank YOU GOD..I just woke up at many times at night and did this over and over.. Sleep.. Wake.. Read.. Pray.. Sleep.. Wake.. Etc.. Till the morning light came.. Gosh those nights are everlasting.

I also dressed myself in the Armour of GOD.. Find in Ephesians 6 putting on each piece of armor and speaking about how it was helping me.

I have been writing prayers to Abba through another book as a devotional. But at this time I couldn’t do that.. I was too tired and not mentally capable. I probably wrote some things without filters lol on face book and to people so I do apologise to those people. I noticed my filters dropped and suddenly I was saying things without thinking ‘is this is appropriate or not’.. I remember taking Zali to work and I got to her workplace and I was freaking out. I couldn’t go anywhere.. Clammy and felt so weak and sick to my core.. She was wondering why I couldn’t function but I was struggling to do anything but sit and just wait it through till it passed which thankfully it did.

Kids gave me hugs throughout which were great. My mother helped with things. Listened and my kids sort of had to fend for themselves but they are adults thankfully.. I realise I house share with family so I do not know what other people do without that support.. So maybe I am better off this way. I still had to drive around my kids to work. Slept more.. Sat more.. Eating habits changed. This is just a few days mind you. Lol. It even sounds weird comparing this short time to what many go through days, months, years and so much worse then this… But for the short time it was incapacitating like I have never experienced before..

I mean I have gone through divorce.. Losing my hearing over many years. Being deaf with a severe loss.. Losing a child. Single motherhood.. Being isolated by ongoing difficult relationships and just trying to deal with them and what it means to my life.. My youngest sister drowned.. Etc.. I have had struggles but this was the hardest when your mind goes your whole world tips over.. It affects everything around you and I am sorry to say so much of what people suggest falls so short and I tried to be gentle about answering them when I could most times I just said thanks and I felt such compassion for people who are struggling and weak to do much but feel utterly hopeless.. You are suffering and its painful and long and lonely and you are fighting and just trying to stay with it. I was out of sync within myself. How do you explain that? I am trying here but it felt much much worse.

Sharing Treasure

This blog and in particular this post I’ve linked too is so beautiful.. I share because these are meant to be shared.. There are blockages on people who are shining… the evil one does not want people to be set free or live abundant lives.. you think its you but its not.. You think its this person or that person who is your enemy and its not.. Look to GOD alone and all these things will be added to you.. I’m so thankful to the persistent people in my life the ones who do not give up..

I try to be that kind of person. Today I have such loud noises in my ears. Its tinnitus or something like that. Like out of ten it would be 9/10. I am home alone today. My children with their father so it can be quiet and lonely. Its a beautiful day outside though and although in my part of the world its Autumn and it has been cooling down here since Summer finished today is perfect weather.

This post is so encouraging and I cannot just read and move on I have to pass it on. I had trouble commenting on this after reading from my iPad but using the lap top it worked just fine. I find it so important to comment and let people know I’ve been blessed by them. A word like that can sustain you for a long time.. People come and go and you can feel unheard and your message means nothing. But I know it means something every single time.

I like to be personal too and connect souls.. We are all linked on this earth for a reason. Everyone has purpose and everyone matters.. I hope this blesses you..

 

http://newmystic2014.blogspot.com.au/2015/02/thorns-2-27-15.html

  

Keeping on

I feel like scrapping this whole site and starting again… Lol…
Hit restore on my own life..
Wiping it out..
But we keep plodding on..
Being brave..
I look for responses but I should know not to expect them.
Everyone has their own battles.
I realised I’m still here and putting it out there despite the frustrations.
That thought encourages me.
To me its important to share what means something to me..
It might just be a quote or my art or a photo etc
But I feel part of something more when I share…
Enjoying a book a friend lent me called “The gifts of imperfection” by Brene Brown.
Everyone has imperfections its what makes each of us unique..
I shouldn’t be afraid to be real.
As God says… Flesh weak but spirit strong..
I love when I do share struggles people respond..
Sometimes it helps them to share about their struggles too..
That feels good when that happens..

My Sister

I thought I’d write a poem,
Somewhere to release my thoughts..
Because days pass so quickly by..
And one day I won’t be around.
It unsettles me that we don’t speak today.
Silence drowns out what seemed important yesterday.
I’d rather have peace with you than ducks in a row..
To tell you that I love you and life would not be the same without you..
That I’m thankful our kids spend time together..
And get along so well.
You understand about things in a way no one else does..
And in ways we are similar and its nice to have that bond together.
Hurts fade, life is precious,
Sisters are forever..
I just want to remind you that you are one of a kind.
Your spirit is strong and you inspire me.
Nothing will rob you of the place in my heart that only you can fill.
I’m so glad you are close and its fun to do coffee and chat.
Don’t forget all the good moments and what is most important.
We have each other and God has made the link between us perfect.
He loved us first and gives us freedom to live, love and always see the best in one another..
God bless you my sister.
Special life long friend…

Flowing from my Heart

Two things are on my heart right now.. Divorce.. and keeping things “Personal”.. I bracketed that word because that is who I am.. I like to be honest and open and I am created needing to share things.. I don’t have a great deal of people I talk about things too.. So for me writing.. journalling.. diaries and social media are a way to get things out of my insides.. My voice so to speak.

A friend wrote on her face book recently how we need to keep things personal private. I don’t agree speaking about myself and I wrote some of what I feel in response. Obviously each to their own but its not fair to blanket approach everyone the same. Specially with a platform as popular as “Facebook”.. Now probably some people do indeed say too much or talk too personally and you do have to be careful especially when you are referring to others in our sharing. I have myself got into trouble there.

But in a world that is slowly or quickly becoming less personal I think being ourselves is more crucial than ever before.. Now I am open that is me.. and I realise others are not.. But that shouldn’t mean I cannot be me just because others are not comfortable.. If people don’t want to read then don’t. Thats where I find a blog is great.. though it isn’t easy.. I have children online who have access and many friends and family.. Do I want to personally share things and have everyone I know read it? Well I do link blog posts to Facebook but that’s me.
Sometimes there is a fine line as to what actually can be said.. but it certainly makes you creative because I will still write knowing it could be read by many I know and it does make me think about how I come across!!

I have not thankfully lost too many people.. meaning people befriend me because I am offending them.. there has been a few family members which is very hard and a few others. But mostly most have accepted me for who I am and what I share. Probably less now respond than ever before but it’s not about responses I am learning more just to be me and this is me!

I do appreciate people being open and truthful and especially brave hearts that open up and be who they really are without fear of being rejected and taken the wrong way.. I like quirky!

I also mentioned divorce above.. I have been reading an autobiography and the author when writing (1996) was happily married a long time and had at the time been with the same man since a teenager.. I did a check online which I now wish I hadn’t at least not yet – Wikipedia – and found out they are now divorced.. I am so sad.. Of course I don’t know the details but in the book they seem happy and inseparable.. I guess my own divorce a few years ago still deeply affects me.. I am surprised at the intensity of my feelings over reading about this marriage breaking.. To me marriage should be for life.. Love forever.. I still believe in it. But divorce happens.. Still so sad.. I have a bit to go in the book so maybe I have destroyed my chances at enjoying the rest of the book.. I have been so enjoying the love between this couple.. The woman is a celebrity and that they had a long happy marriage was exciting to me.. Sigh.. I wonder how it will change the story that I am reading knowing this now?

It affects you every day.. He is one place I am another.. Kids two homes.. Life has majorly changed going from married to single.. Your future was ahead of you to raise kids and age with someone beside you.. Now it’s divided homes and ???? as to the future.. Everywhere you see a family you are reminded of what you no longer have.. Everything is different.. All that you have are memories.. You still have dreams but now they have to change and I have not ever found a new dream.. You still love at least I do.. But unreciprocated feelings left inside to fester.. I pray.. I cry sometimes.. I hope.. I wonder.. I trust.. I open my heart and keep feeling and keep believing…