Breaking Through

My art is called

‘Breaking Through’

Isaiah 58:8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

A couple of nights ago I woke up in the early hours.. awakened by an annoying hot flush 🔥 yes I’m at the age now 😣

I chatted to two of my children.. oldest daughter is an emergency room nurse on night shifts even on days off she’s in that pattern and doesn’t fight it.. my son has that pattern of waking at night atm.. but it was perfect timing for me.. so much love. 🥰 I’m so glad I’m a mother.. so proud of all my family.. our children are my greatest gift.. I was awake a little while.. a good time to pray & feel emotions that come..

Tears fell as they sometimes do.. I’m an emotional soul.. I can use them to pray.. empty my heart of all I feel and pray for people who need it.. they also help me find peace and strength from God..

You see I have felt for a very very long time that the truest essence of who I am and why I was created.. I have not been able to connect as I so hoped and desired with people around me.. So when I start feeling all the feels it helps to channel this into my prayers.. my faith keeps me looking up and I hope my art also shows this..

I prayed a prayer at this time for a friend who truly cares for me whom I believe God sent. I need every day support like all of us do and a friend who shares in a way I can understand. Who I’m safe with and feel heard and where I’m free to also respond back.. Moreso this is so important when I’m an introvert and deaf.

I may never see them face to face and I know we both have our struggles .. but as the tears slid down my face.. the tears that fall for the brokenness in my own life but also for the good.. I am thankful in my heart I know that I’m cared for despite all my failings and my overactive emotional side.

I used those tears for a most heartfelt prayer I prayed for my friend using my mustard seed faith.. asking God that my tears would find their way to the very throne room of heaven and help my friend in the way they need it the most.. 🕊

Maybe it was a deep and private prayer I prayed.. But I think and hope that my honesty might help other people who cry into thier pillows silent tears.. who hurt for unspoken pain.. who also like me can’t reach for the places they wish and dream for.. Or who feel broken and waiting for what they truly desire and it feels like it may never come.. Because faithwise I know what it does to you to not see the results many Christians I know have seen..

Now Faith is an assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.. Hebrews 11:1

But I can promise you that although I feel the depths of darkness at times.. I also feel and experience deep peace and I am given help to trust God for all that hasn’t come to pass.

Many do not get this peace or can go back to solid sleep.. and I know it’s hard when nobody else knows the depths of your pain.. I want you to know God knows.. I encourage you to tell him all that troubles you and find HIS peace for all that breaks your heart & for all the highs and lows of what you feel so that you would also find comfort. That there is a place to find hope and that there does come a knowing in this place that your tears and struggles will count for something even in the darkest night…

God promises us this.. 🕊🌷❤️

Simple Ordinary Persistence

I’ve sat on this digital art for days. Probably a week if I am honest..
It is where I am though so it was always going to be posted.. eventually.
I really do not see the point in being anything but honest be it simple honest.
It is a scene of my daily every day life while walking my dog. Yes in my own neighborhood.
I tend to be a person who likes things to remain pretty much the same.
I am comforted and find joy in routine even despite being a pretty routine-less person.
Walking much the same area every day with moderate changes of route here and there.
It is nice though when I walk that same way again and think of this art.
It actually thrills me because it makes me feel more a functioning part of my world and I do not always feel I have a place or purpose in this world so that to me is so important to get a sense of belonging.
It is pretty rough though this art because with this I am more into creating art that is meaningful to me then into details and trying to improve my art skills. I actually started doing this from memory not reference which I nearly always draw from so that was interesting. But to give my setting more realism I searched for the street view on google maps to make it look at least a little more the right way up . What google map shows of the street was back in time when it was incredibly dry and all the grass was brown.

Comparing the past dry conditions to all the current lushness in our area I really can be thankful for a cooler Spring with plenty of rain to keep it so bright green.

That’s one reason which has kept me from moving forward with this art or sharing it.. that same kind of dryness in my life too where any kind of creative flow is almost non existent. I am not seeing green growth in myself where I am improving or working hard on any art and I am not trying to better my situation.
But I think it is important to me that I do push on regardless and I wanted to convey that through this art.. and one way is by focusing on the colors of that day despite what lack of color I might feel currently in my personal life.
Despite a lack of energy and creative energy. I am plodding onwards.
Our weather has been more gray skies and cool weather then the warming up of weather Spring can bring.
But the growth of spring time is still very evident by all the green and it is most everywhere and that is showing the gift of much and many good rainfalls and I do not think you’d find many that would not welcome that.

I hope my art show despite the struggles I am still grateful for my life and this world.

Little dabs of colors are likened to the pockets of daily inspiration I find that keep me going forward.

I couldn’t do without those pockets of joy but yes you have to have eyes that seek it out. Even sometimes if it’s just the bright yellow flowers in the weeds growing along the way where I walk.

I added scripture because I find it easier to seek God through art expression and unlike going to church or doing it like everyone else I can fully experience my faith best when I am free in the expression of it.

Art is my way of sharing my faith and what peace and strength and help God gives me through His presence and what I choose to notice in the world around me.. I acknowledge that He is the one who lifts me up and keeps me from not giving up. It is important to me to always share what guides me through my life.
I want to be honest. I want to be real. I do have to push myself to get things done. I do have to push myself to walk daily. I do have to push myself to seek God. But I acknowledge that HE is still central in my life even as I am. And especially as I am. I do not seek perfection but I choose realness because I believe it trumps perfection.

Unafraid to show myself as I am. Persisting through my life as I am. My hope is fully found in God rather then in myself or anyone or in anything else.

The scripture was found in the study of the book ‘The Broken Way’ by Ann Voskamp that I have been very slowly and loosely reading through. I’ve been trying to read more too.. All these things.. Reading.. Art.. Faith.. Exercise they do help me.. Even sharing and writing this helps me.. Sometimes I feel that the things that we persist through.. The fact that they are hard or a struggle to do.. Perhaps are for some greater reason that is why it is important to persist.

This art is honest and anyone could create it.. Makes me feel better because its meaningful to me and yes I have had to push myself to share it as it is.

I know sometimes people will look at an art piece I’ve taken a lot of time with and they say I could never do that. I wish I could do that and you are so blessed to be able to create that. There is an admiration to perfectly or more skilled art that can leave another feeling inadequate or wishing they could do the same.
I felt the very same way as I was contemplating this art because someone else I know posted something really good art wise around the time I finished it and it made me look at this and suddenly it seemed so very imperfect and rough looking and so very underwhelming.
That is exactly why I have struggled to share it and instead been procrastinating sigh.. Because it isn’t great art. It isn’t skilled art and it really may not even show well what I am feeling.. It’s just simple art. But that is how I have humanly felt so it is time to move on-wards and stop stalling.

When I first started sharing my art on-line not many noticed it at all and I was trying lol but then as I improved more took notice because I was improving but you know it was never about that for me I just enjoy the sharing and getting feedback is always nice especially if someone says that resonates with me.. It makes you feel not so alone.

And you know looking back I might even think why on earth did I even post some of that arghh lol?!?! But here it is today on this day being just simple ordinary persistence. This is going out into the world as it is. And maybe just maybe it encourages someone else to have a go at sharing things right where they are at. How they are feeling and for them too like me.. it is honest and imperfect .. Because it is brave when there isn’t much that results from showing up but it takes all our time and strength to do so..

It does mean we DID NOT GIVE UP and that my friends.. is something!!!

And if showing up does help even one person. Then I could not ask for anymore then that..

Being Real

What is real?

Indeed. I am incredibly lazy right now. Like I could curl up and sleep the day away. I don’t know if it is depression or what. But I feel tired and blah and I am wearing a groove in my bed where I sit most of the day. I cannot walk my dog tonight as I like to do. Its been overcast most of the day probably all of the day but raining and wet this evening. Daylight savings does throw me for a bit. Its after 7pm and I haven’t eaten yet. I am eating later these evenings. I do get lonely sometimes and I just don’t feel the same joy about things some days.

I finished another digital drawing so I am making myself write about it. I do normally like writing and oh well if this writing is just for me it is just for me. I have to get over that now or I would never write again.

I drew a Velveteen Rabbit it is kind of how I am feeling but it makes me smile that it is a character from a beloved story and one that inspires people.. I think it shows something about what is helping me get through the every day and where my heart finds comfort. The Velveteen Rabbit is mentioned in the book I am currently reading.. The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp.. Which I found for 2 dollars in an op shop and I am rather proud I am reading it. I have a bad habit of buying many books and not reading them. This one according to Goodreads (an ap on my phone) 51% of the way through.. Something about logging in and updating how many pages I have read really inspires me. To update my progress this way probably helps me to keep reading too. I did say I would share some of it here on my blog and I am glad I am still doing that. Maybe I will share the link on my face book too because there are people there who do say they like my art and that makes me feel good and it helps me keep up my art.. I feel sharing is good for me because it keeps me flowing and social. I am not giving up when I share. I have never gotten to the place where an art piece is expression enough for me I like expressing how I feel in writing too.

Quotes from the book..

It’s a needed thing, to be brave. But maybe there’s a broken way of being safe enough to be real and un-okay. Maybe the bravest thing is to be real enough to say we’re broken and unbrave — and trust we’re still loved in our broken and unbrave”.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you..”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

What could happen if we weren’t afraid of passion… of suffering..

Maybe wholeness is not reaching for perfection in your life maybe wholeness is embracing brokenness as part of your life.

Trust Him in all this brokenness.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more then conquerors through him who loved us.. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.. Romans 8:35, 37-39

I am not trying to perfect my art or creating it to sell.. I am just glad I am doing it at all. And I am glad I am being transparent here it is a healing balm to my soul to express how I feel. I am being real about my every day life and it is freeing to me. I think that is what shuts me down that I have not felt free to be real and so I just kind of stop altogether with everything. But I do not want to be anything but real and maybe that has been the problem all along that I felt I couldn’t and so I didn’t.
So I think maybe just starting to be real here may be the best way for now to start getting used to it again and hopefully keep it going and going and going. 🙂