DAY 7 – DIG DEEPER:
Recall an event that has had a great emotional impact on you but which you have a hard time talking about. Practice writing about it freestyle, in a journal format (to yourself).
Pay attention to the parts where you start shrinking. What type of fear lies behind it? What is it telling you? Can you reverse these statements, change this subconscious story running you?
The opposite of rejection according to a source on the Internet is acceptance and welcome.. Rejection, isolation through hearing loss and personal tragedies have all been my hardest emotional battle. Even sharing quite openly about them in public social media does not mean people will know or see or hear or notice. I have recently thought of my personal struggles as a type of curse on me. I know people who are not spiritual people would think that sounds weird. But watch movies and TV and there is always a battle where good and evil are depicted as being against each other. I see the struggles I have come against as evils way to shut me down. And the fact that so many seem oblivious to it is also is well known in our wider world. How many turn a blind eye to poverty, child abuse, racial issues, sex crimes, the environment and so forth and really do not want to know about it.. People seem not to care about the very issues we SHOULD care about.. Our fellow man. The destruction of rain forests. Cruelty towards animals and endangered species etc..
Unseen battles are hardest to fight. You are literally fighting them on your own and in your own power. I know as a spiritual person generally speaking Christian’s pray daily for each other or they should. We are told the importance of ‘praying always’. One prays for their world and if they have the gift of tongues (spiritual language). They are praying mysteries. By doing this they are literally praying for what I think is the wider world around them especially those who do not know about GOD or the whole way the world has been created to operate. We still know so little about the lives of men and women around us. In this day and age even with modern technology it has not helped us know our neighbors better. People have less to do with their communities and those in the homes around them. It would do us no good in this world without prayer that covered all the unseen violence and abuse found within homes even right next door.. The starving masses we see on the news that seem another world away. Creatures losing their habitats. Unforeseen accidents. Sickness, far away wars and acts of violence in nearly every country now. Homeless and battles of the elderly shut away. So many need help in this world that it be impossible for only some to pray for all without supernatural help. I can identify with those fighting unseen battles. It makes you speak up and it makes you bolder.
I am writing this like a type of documentary and I am not meaning too.
I am actually surprised how I am writing this. How it is coming from me as I write. Because mostly in my personal battles I have felt powerless and alone physically. Without seeing many people daily, 95% of the time only family. Even checking stats of my daily blog where I pour out my heart and soul. I can see there is not much attention. It just feels hopeless that anything I have to say will make any difference at all. Sometimes I find it hard even to get it typed up. The blog format will give me problems. I have issues hitting post once it is written. Than when I do post it nobody seems to notice or want to read. I feel that as acute rejection no matter if one should be looking for it or not. I have been very stubborn and kept going and although I feel good every time I put my heart out there. Yah it hurts to literally be invisible. People might say ‘Oh I see your very creative and God is using your talents’ but its few and far between. It is not near enough to think I am helping anyone at all.
I do not want to beg or seem desperate but nobody can live as an island to themselves little babies starved of attention die.
But as you continue on your journey and you walk a very lonely path you are literally writing yourself alive as this course suggests.. But you are constantly fighting the doubts which crowd in and you think what am I even doing this for?? Especially when I cannot communicate like the rest of the hearing world and the hearing world doesn’t seem to want to communicate with me at all. Read my writing that is.
I shut down. I lose my flow. I cannot find the energy to keep doing it. I feel small. I feel needy.. I feel I have nothing to give. I feel that nobody listens. I feel nobody cares. I feel unimportant. I feel on the wrong path. I feel neglected. I feel insecure. I do not feel confident. I feel trapped. I struggle to see beyond my own bedroom walls. Though thank GOD imagination, writing and arts and spiritual expression that give me a beautiful freedom do give me a wider vision. Keep me looking outward I can tell you!!
Another difficult part is not only with my offerings and gifts to the world but in feeling unimportant to the very people who could or should support me.. The ones I know the best and who should best know me. Key people in my life have in their treatment of me shown disrespect for the very core person I am. Been very hard to break free of that stronghold. Its like a strong force working against me. Chiding me. Ignoring me. Disapproving of me. Trying to quiet me instead of giving me room to speak. Ignoring me. It’s hard to speak about that if not many listen. We all need room to grow. We all need feedback. We all make mistakes in our growth that is how we learn but when you’re expected to be perfect or a certain way and you are not. It stifles growth and makes it hard to find a way through it. You fight so much to hold your ground you never get anywhere. You literally start to lose anything you have gained because even that is wrestled from you because like a plant without water you shrivel up.
I do not like to say things that make others looks bad.. One of the reasons I have isolated myself. Is exactly that I am not forced to tell the truth about mistreatment. I care about the people in my life. I don’t want to speak of injustice but the way I am. The way things have happened I cannot deny what has happened and how it has shaped my life. I cannot just say oh yes everything has been fine. It has been really really hard. Writing gives me a voice again. But there is so much unsaid over the years that has got to come up because unless it does.. I can’t find my voice.
Like an old person who is shut in. I have felt shut in. Unimportant to those around me or the greater plan. I found I could not speak very well. The more I kept myself from being fully myself the less easy it was to be free and confident. The very speaking I am doing here. The being honest. The being open is healing and helping and growth and it’s a very beautiful thing. For all of the trials. All of the loneliness. Words are my friends. They give me a way to flow in this world. They portray the very fibers that make me who I am today and even the bad parts are woven into the full life I am now expressing and enjoying. I do not have to be afraid of the bad times..
I can see though as I write even about the bad. The difficult and the soul destroying in my life. I have survived. For all the inner work, the isolation, the apparent selfishness, the writing about myself and daily facing struggles. There is strength there to be seen. I have not just done this all and kept it to myself. I am wanting to speak and share with the world around me which does not say I have given up. I associate myself with the world and those who also struggle. I see the need for acknowledging unseen struggles, the need for healing, support and growth through sharing. For using the bad for good and speaking about it too. For pressing through the hard times and for all of it to draw us closer together. Truth sets people free.
I can even see the timing of this as being crucial to exactly where I am in my journey. That even as I write I can see this being something that will begin to be put behind me. That to do this. To write this way has touched on the very core of who I am and who I want to be and brought the darkness out of me into the light where it has nothing to do but no longer be a part of who I am. When the light comes darkness must flee.