Tag Archives: writing yourself alive

Hit Restore…

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DAY 7 – DIG DEEPER: 
Recall an event that has had a great emotional impact on you but which you have a hard time talking about. Practice writing about it freestyle, in a journal format (to yourself).
Pay attention to the parts where you start shrinking. What type of fear lies behind it? What is it telling you? Can you reverse these statements, change this subconscious story running you?

 

The opposite of rejection according to a source on the Internet is acceptance and welcome.. Rejection, isolation through hearing loss and personal tragedies have all been my hardest emotional battle. Even sharing quite openly about them in public social media does not mean people will know or see or hear or notice. I have recently thought of my personal struggles as a type of curse on me. I know people who are not spiritual people would think that sounds weird. But watch movies and TV and there is always a battle where good and evil are depicted as being against each other. I see the struggles I have come against as evils way to shut me down. And the fact that so many seem oblivious to it is also is well known in our wider world. How many turn a blind eye to poverty, child abuse, racial issues, sex crimes, the environment and so forth and really do not want to know about it.. People seem not to care about the very issues we SHOULD care about.. Our fellow man. The destruction of rain forests. Cruelty towards animals and endangered species etc..

 
Unseen battles are hardest to fight. You are literally fighting them on your own and in your own power. I know as a spiritual person generally speaking Christian’s pray daily for each other or they should. We are told the importance of ‘praying always’. One prays for their world and if they have the gift of tongues (spiritual language). They are praying mysteries. By doing this they are literally praying for what I think is the wider world around them especially those who do not know about GOD or the whole way the world has been created to operate. We still know so little about the lives of men and women around us. In this day and age even with modern technology it has not helped us know our neighbors better. People have less to do with their communities and those in the homes around them. It would do us no good in this world without prayer that covered all the unseen violence and abuse found within homes even right next door.. The starving masses we see on the news that seem another world away. Creatures losing their habitats. Unforeseen accidents. Sickness, far away wars and acts of violence in nearly every country now. Homeless and battles of the elderly shut away. So many need help in this world that it be impossible for only some to pray for all without supernatural help. I can identify with those fighting unseen battles. It makes you speak up and it makes you bolder.
I am writing this like a type of documentary and I am not meaning too.

 

I am actually surprised how I am writing this. How it is coming from me as I write. Because mostly in my personal battles I have felt powerless and alone physically. Without seeing many people daily, 95% of the time only family. Even checking stats of my daily blog where I pour out my heart and soul. I can see there is not much attention. It just feels hopeless that anything I have to say will make any difference at all. Sometimes I find it hard even to get it typed up. The blog format will give me problems. I have issues hitting post once it is written. Than when I do post it nobody seems to notice or want to read. I feel that as acute rejection no matter if one should be looking for it or not. I have been very stubborn and kept going and although I feel good every time I put my heart out there. Yah it hurts to literally be invisible. People might say ‘Oh I see your very creative and God is using your talents’ but its few and far between. It is not near enough to think I am helping anyone at all.
I do not want to beg or seem desperate but nobody can live as an island to themselves little babies starved of attention die.
But as you continue on your journey and you walk a very lonely path you are literally writing yourself alive as this course suggests.. But you are constantly fighting the doubts which crowd in and you think what am I even doing this for?? Especially when I cannot communicate like the rest of the hearing world and the hearing world doesn’t seem to want to communicate with me at all. Read my writing that is.
I shut down. I lose my flow. I cannot find the energy to keep doing it. I feel small. I feel needy.. I feel I have nothing to give. I feel that nobody listens. I feel nobody cares. I feel unimportant. I feel on the wrong path. I feel neglected. I feel insecure. I do not feel confident. I feel trapped. I struggle to see beyond my own bedroom walls. Though thank GOD imagination, writing and arts and spiritual expression that give me a beautiful freedom do give me a wider vision. Keep me looking outward I can tell you!!

 
Another difficult part is not only with my offerings and gifts to the world but in feeling unimportant to the very people who could or should support me.. The ones I know the best and who should best know me. Key people in my life have in their treatment of me shown disrespect for the very core person I am. Been very hard to break free of that stronghold. Its like a strong force working against me. Chiding me. Ignoring me. Disapproving of me. Trying to quiet me instead of giving me room to speak. Ignoring me. It’s hard to speak about that if not many listen. We all need room to grow. We all need feedback. We all make mistakes in our growth that is how we learn but when you’re expected to be perfect or a certain way and you are not. It stifles growth and makes it hard to find a way through it. You fight so much to hold your ground you never get anywhere. You literally start to lose anything you have gained because even that is wrestled from you because like a plant without water you shrivel up.

 
I do not like to say things that make others looks bad.. One of the reasons I have isolated myself. Is exactly that I am not forced to tell the truth about mistreatment. I care about the people in my life. I don’t want to speak of injustice but the way I am. The way things have happened I cannot deny what has happened and how it has shaped my life. I cannot just say oh yes everything has been fine. It has been really really hard. Writing gives me a voice again. But there is so much unsaid over the years that has got to come up because unless it does.. I can’t find my voice.

 
Like an old person who is shut in. I have felt shut in. Unimportant to those around me or the greater plan. I found I could not speak very well. The more I kept myself from being fully myself the less easy it was to be free and confident. The very speaking I am doing here. The being honest. The being open is healing and helping and growth and it’s a very beautiful thing. For all of the trials. All of the loneliness. Words are my friends. They give me a way to flow in this world. They portray the very fibers that make me who I am today and even the bad parts are woven into the full life I am now expressing and enjoying. I do not have to be afraid of the bad times..

 
I can see though as I write even about the bad. The difficult and the soul destroying in my life. I have survived. For all the inner work, the isolation, the apparent selfishness, the writing about myself and daily facing struggles. There is strength there to be seen. I have not just done this all and kept it to myself. I am wanting to speak and share with the world around me which does not say I have given up. I associate myself with the world and those who also struggle. I see the need for acknowledging unseen struggles, the need for healing, support and growth through sharing. For using the bad for good and speaking about it too. For pressing through the hard times and for all of it to draw us closer together. Truth sets people free.

 
I can even see the timing of this as being crucial to exactly where I am in my journey. That even as I write I can see this being something that will begin to be put behind me. That to do this. To write this way has touched on the very core of who I am and who I want to be and brought the darkness out of me into the light where it has nothing to do but no longer be a part of who I am. When the light comes darkness must flee.

 

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30 days of writing

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I am doing another writing course for the whole month of February. Sharing here on my blog. 30 days of writing myself alive.

DIG DEEPER: Why do you write? What comes up first? If you couldn’t write, what’s the second best thing you would attempt in order to express yourself to the fullest?

I write because it saves face.

I do not have a very good public persona. I withdrew from the world as people know it because I am deaf or close to it. Modern technology doesn’t seem to work for me and I am also not one of the rich people who can afford the bionic implants. I have really loud noises in my head as well as hearing loss and the thought of drills and such just freak me out to the point I could not mentally cope with anything drilled in my head. So I opt for writing, using my spirit in a different way. I am a spiritual person anyway so my disability just really makes it all the more reason to express myself in writing and not face to face.

It’s like there are giant signs everywhere I go pointing to writing. It is how it is for me. I would close down if I did not have some way to express myself. The hardest facet is that writing is subjective. People can choose to read or not as it is not as freely expressed as using your voice in an instantaneous way. People are busy these days so you can be rejected easily expressing your very heart and soul simply because people don’t see what your doing as essential to their and your day to day presence in this world. I am learning not to take it personally.
Person to person. Unless you are a total jerk and people won’t talk back, most can function in society and say things they want to say and there must be a certain exclusivity in that because being deaf can feel very isolating.
I can’t do normal communication. I cannot easily communicate face to face. It’s like watching someone and you cannot hear a thing they say. A television playing with no sound. If you can read lips all and good. But many people mumble, turn away, get distracted, don’t stand close enough etc. So you have to work extra hard to understand what they are saying and process that at the same time.. They may have moved on to another subject while you are still processing what they just said. You are constantly behind the mainstream of conversation and cannot keep up.

It is very tiring trying to hear people and I just kind of withdrew from that and would rather use my energy in a better way but it can be very one sided. It means you miss out on the life others live and that there are millions of different ways to think and process orally so you tend to channel yourself into writing and communicating in a whole different way but it can be and seem very selfish at the same time though it truly isn’t meant to be. It means I have to put myself out there daily in public if I want what I have to say read. It can seem exhibitionist. Instead of simply a soul trying to connect and find her place in the world.
I need to read up a lot too. It means in order not to completely fall off the side of the earth or be in a little world all on my own. I need to be constantly feeding myself with others opinions and the little snippets they do release. Believe me most everyone says very little on social media and its getting less and less because of privacy issues and people’s distrust of the Internet. There is not anyone who fills me in on daily life or what people talk about even when I am around them. I am really in the dark most of the time concerning the ins and outs of even close people in my life.

Whereas I guess most people are talking daily even to the people around them and in their daily travels. I am not at all doing this. So I have even more reason to write and shut myself away to write. You cannot sit with someone and give them attention and keep the creative juices running.. I can’t anyway.

As you can see my writing tends to be about my struggles, my world and that sort of thing. If that didn’t come out of me I think I would go totally insane. I need to say things be it to myself out loud, to another person or just to help process it. I find it hard to just think in my mind. Mull things over. Cause my thoughts have to compete with the noises in my head. Called tinnitus. Seeing the words via type on a page or screen gives them freedom and I can understand what I am feeling better.. My brain is a jumbled place with the constant noise inside it. You can feel stressed even if your body is at peace because the noises are the place your self first focuses on. Writing tends to give me another place to focus outside myself and it truly helps and I can be so busy thinking about what I am typing/writing that the noises fade into a background place where I forget about them. To listen to another person would mean the noises are competing against that person and do appear to become louder and that is extremely annoying.. On a screen or page my words have no competition at all and they are free and its truly easier for me to be released as a whole person be it quietly or crazily or gently or loud but its of my own choosing.

The second best way to express myself is visually. Though I cannot easily draw or paint exactly what I am thinking onto a page and do not seem to be talented in that area or naturally flow that way. A photograph can say it if you use the lens creatively or collage using various mediums together. I am learning this more because it can be tiring writing and it gives you a different way to see and express yourself. I love to combine writing/poetry and visual arts too. Like digitally or on paper. Like anything you need to stick at it so I am very thankful for this 30 day course again!

 

Big Beautiful Life Book

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DAY 28 – DAILY PROMPT: If you could be a book — what kind of book would you be? What genre, story, artwork? What story / stories would it narrate? Who would you most want it to be read by? 

Based on the previous exercises and questions, try to include your creative mission and vision in this prompt. 

((Take on it))

Big Beautiful Life Book.. 

In arty kind of groups I’ve been in one of the creative endeavours of one of the groups was a collective art book. They created a type of hand made book. Journal if you will. Sent to all the members who each contribute something to the book and passed it on. I think they had two circulating between members. Unfortunately I was unable to take part. I’m in Australia and the majority of members were in USA. Cost of sending to me and back obviously too high.. I felt so robbed but for those who shared a picture and spoke about it where I could see; what they added to the pages. I drank it in.. 

My book ( I want to keep it at the end) would be to send a big blank thick page book to as many creative people as I could. Than let it be returned to me filled with words, poems, photos, pictures, art work etc.. It would be one of a kind. I would truly treasure that book! It would inspire me no end. It could be read by anyone I met or visited with me. Use it as an inspirational talking point in my home or could carry it with me and share with whomever I met. 

Little piece of soul on every page! I wasn’t INTO art till the latter part of my life. I remember walking into an art gallery and I was flawed that I could sense the artists soul or spirits along with their work. It’s hard to explain but it wasn’t just a room of paintings. I was moved before even looking at them. There was something spiritual going on in that room. In the air around me. Senses came alive to it. Euphony of colours and feelings swirling around me.

I’m just drawn to and inspired and lifted up by all kinds of expression. Sense of connection and belonging and oneness I suppose. Sense of understanding.

My book would be life changing. I would hope that through its pages I got to know and connect with those people included and that any others who might also read it would feel the same. I would definitely hope that this book was a start to deeper connection and a wanting to know more about each person and their life works.

It might have to be a really really BIG book 🙂 you don’t have to be a certain person to write or take a photo or put down some colours.. Each page would be unique to the person who created and decorated it. 

Would I have a running theme? No just asking on the day book received and the day they sit down to contribute art that they just bring a part of themselves to the page. Whatever they were feeling or wanting to express at the time. I would be seeing what flowed in the collected end. Because often in creative types there can be a similarity if you will. Even in the uniqueness and quirks everyone has. Something that speaks to the spirit in all of us. Would be so many messages within the pages. Because everyone’s art speaks in different ways on different days to me as they would to each person who sees it. 

Maybe the book isn’t sent at all. 

Maybe it’s filled in as my life progresses. Maybe it’s something I need to start and continue till I die. I have to find people willing and able around me close first. I do think only certain people would want too because ‘the normal’ person may not be into even doing it at all. 

Most of the ‘artists’ who I’m closest too are online and with that overseas. 🙂 something to seriously think about anyway! 

Ha ha as I sit pondering where this prompt has led me. I’m thinking of creative people I know. Places in my city I could plan to visit. Searching for artists right here in my city! Amazing.. 
Let the blank page and the empty canvas lead on…. 

  

Perfect Writing Day

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I downloaded a 30 day trial for Scrivener to help with my writing experience and I love it!! I will probably end up buying it I think, if its not too expensive as it seems easier than writing in Microsoft word!! It feels so good to be writing daily and much easier on my lap top than iPad. Not thinking too much about it. Just letting it flow where it will. So much amazing talent in our private group. Some wonderful feedback too coming through on what I share which really helps.

I am keeping it more private because I have opened up more than normal. We have a group website where we download each days prompts etc and private face book group where some meet and share our work. Sharing and talking about the journey in both places.
So although there are around 1,000 people taking part. Apart from a few I am getting to know by name no one really knows me personally so I can write more openly and share more freely. This writing below is totally made up. But it is interesting that I haven’t strayed away from writing as a mother with kids. It’s easier I suppose to write about what I know. The prompts are definitely pushing my boundaries but in this I have not gone out of my comfort zone but I am trying to be more descriptive. I think the main thing for me is just keeping at it. I am about 5 days behind as with a family etc some days I just don’t have the momentum to write at all. To keep working at this is what I need more than anything no matter the content or that its written perfectly. To get into a habit of writing daily no matter what so that I’m getting used to expressing myself and finding a more natural flow. I have spoken about being stuck in the past so to be freely writing at all is a very good thing. Thankfully I am not having much trouble once I begin although straight writing is easier than condensing it as in poetry form. It’s making the time and sticking to it. I have struggled with comparison and also looking for feedback but here you can read I have just followed my heart and done it and I can truly say I am happy just having done it. The less I worry about the content and write more as I am led instead of writing to be seen it seems to catch someones eye.. Quite the opposite of what you think will happen.. 🙂

Day 14 ~ Describe a day or a morning in your ideal life as a writer or overall creator. If you could live the Writer’s Life you imagine, what would this life look like? Go into detail as if it was a page in a novel.

I rub my hands together with glee as I wait for the kettle to boil. I pick out my favorite mug from its hiding place (the kids won’t break this one) and pour into it the purest of sunshine that perks my day no matter what time it is. A rich steaming cup of freshly made coffee is my preferred brew!

My creative heart racing already as I slowly climb the stairs and escape the night time sounds of a family unwinding before bedtime. I find my quiet place that I wish I could escape too more often. Life gets busy though. Taking care of a household is hard work. Once most of my responsibilities are put behind me for the day I crave some ‘me time’. I head here always with my coffee and even if I come with a worn out body its with a much lighter spirit. The kids know not to disturb me for a few precious hours. Thankfully the kids are old enough to amuse themselves and eat a simple meal in peace while I slip away.

A wide spacious desk with things neatly in place awaits. How this does a body good. When the night time dishes are still to be done and clutter seems to have mockingly spread throughout the house no matter how good you are at staying on top of it.
The organization of this space pulls my soul free. Nothing to distract me and totally able to embrace the time to just sit and create or write and unwind.

I pull the curtains apart wider with more zest than I possess and pry open the big heavy window.. eyes already alive to the scenery that awaits to stir my soul. Mountain top view thankfully has not disappeared into darkness and still exists as a feast for my eyes. The night air though cool is tantalizingly refreshing as the sun slowly sinks on another day.
A light breeze brings in the damp freshness of the outdoors. I breathe deeply the eucalyptus scent of the huge white gummed tree which stands sentinel outside my window..
All the clutter in my head from the day starts to dissipate into a welcome and peaceful silence.
I stand memorized looking out wards to the treetops and I can see the mists lightly rising in the valley. I hear a kookaburra laughing some distance away. As if he knows the freedom and wonder of this moment too. I can see faintly far off a few kangaroos grazing. I know this is their favorite time of night. A time when they feel safe enough to come out as the daylight recedes.

I sink down into my straight backed chair and let the thoughts of my heart roam free. I pull towards myself a bulging leather bound journal which is sitting waiting for me and as I open it up it releases its contents falling opened to a new blank page. This book is like an old friend and holds my most inner thoughts and secrets. I smile as I think over all the adventures of the day which has just passed. The book is a healing place a place to unfold my sacred unseen self and my heart is pressed slowly and delicately into these pages. It calls to me again to bring forth from the depths the jewels of value no one else in this house sees.

I pick up my pen and breathe deeply. My pen poised as my mind decides what thoughts to turn into ink tonight. Ever so slowly my pen begins to write and flow onto the page and I am able to release hidden emotions, hopes, frustrations and dreams that get pushed aside and forgotten with the stress of every day chaos…

This is my wonderland. Thankfully tonight there are no disruptions… The only move I make is to head downstairs and make another cup of coffee. No one sees me and silently I am elated to return again till the lateness of day makes it impossible to comfortably stay.

I can re-enter the kitchen two hours later and humbly take on a mother’s load again feeling human once more. As I clean up and hum quietly to myself. My mind is already filing away words and thoughts for my next nightly escape. Not even two seconds later a voice pierces the air seeking me out. They’ve remembered I exist!

Unashamedly Me

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Write a letter to the person you think you should have been by now. Explain to them why you aren’t them and offer them proof that who you are is better.

Sharon, 

Would the world be robbed of you if you were less a person? If you chose to hide and retreat and explain yourself publicly even if no one else does? Surely that would make you stand out wouldn’t it? 

You see you loom over me. You make me feel less and unimportant and not even worth thinking about. 

Highly organised person that you are. You shirk not your responsibilities. Your always on time and never miss a birthday. I mean heavens the church building gets your utmost attention and the people there work side by side of you and your always accepted and returning to opened arms. You are utterly kind and compassionate to everyone and they treat you with the respect your presence deserves. Your everywhere and highly social. You’re well recognised and everybody visits you and your always out and about beloved by everyone you meet.

You’ve coped with loss and grief by becoming an upstanding member of your community. You have the right words for everyone. You have the tidiest house and never miss an opportunity to stand forward and give your opinion. You’ve handled your disability in a mighty way. I mean everyone has learned the best way to communicate with you and give you the encouragement you need to be the best version of yourself. Your efforts are highly regarded and your presence is sought. How could I compete with you? You hold your tongue if you’ve been mistreated and yet can say things without offending anyone. Even shake your enemies hands and look them in the eye if you had any. You live above it like it doesn’t even affect you. And if it does you gracefully conceal and lovingly and neatly sort through it. I fail to meet that standard. 

I can’t be you. I can’t. Things hurt and I cry. I cry a lot because a lot of things hurt. I have to express how I feel and not keep it bottled up. Yes I stay away from most people but I do so because I can’t contribute in a way I feel on an even par with everyone else. As I don’t have many to tell it comes out where people are and where it works best for me. Where I can communicate what I want and need to say. That doesn’t always come out cute and cuddly. I step on people’s toes in physical and online. I am disastrous at fitting into schedules because I just want to live without high standards I can’t reach and be unashamedly myself. My flaws show. I stay away from where I don’t feel I fit in or belong. If I’m not comfortable I say no or I back away. I will tell you in the only way I can cause I’d die without expressing myself. But I haven’t died or disappeared. I just operate on a different wave length but it’s not a wavelength that you can’t use.

Am I better for it? Yes! I’m free and what I do and how I live is different to most others so I can say something not many others can say. Not on any measurable human standard is how I’d compare myself to you and I don’t want to be compared. Ugh.. I’ve had enough of that. No more comparisons they are shit. Crap. Poo. They rob and push away valuable souls into the shadows those who struggle to say things or feel things or be like you. Not everyone can be you or want to be you. 

But they still matter. They always matter and they catch my attention more than any other. They might be messy, loud, failures in your eyes. Have quirks that you might want to keep hidden or private but they are exquisite for their bravery and oh my they do stand out.They don’t deserve to be shut down.. 

They have been shunned and yet they are expected to act and be clean and tidy versions of moral and of social excellence.

They are loveable because their messy attempts are the cry of the soul to belong and be loved, respected and treated just like everyone else. 

Isn’t uniqueness a beautiful form because it means we are not all the same and the ones that appear least to us all have much too teach us. They’ve had to adapt. Find new ways to survive. 

I’m unashamedly real. I can be loyal to the ends of the earth. I can say it and be loud. I can say it long or I can enjoy finding other ways to express it. I won’t judge you. That’s the me I want to be and enjoy being. Full of Spirit and grace!

2 Corinthians 4:7

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
  

30 days Of Writing Myself Alive

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Started a 30 day writing ecourse with Andreà Balt and Tyler Knott Gregson called “Write Yourself Alive”. One of the first days prompts shared below and my attempt at it. 

The hardest thing is reading others writing and eek doing the comparison thing and also wanting it to be good writing, clear, beautiful and touch people. I also want people to read it and give comments but I can’t expect it because so often I get so little coming back. Sigh but I know that’s not a great expectation to have because if I don’t reach whatever standard I think it should be or whatever standard I perceive others writing to my own. Or take lack of comments to mean I’ve failed. I won’t give my all and I will be less able to say what’s on my heart. Every person is different and unique. I’ve got to simply do what this quote below says. 

“The secret of being a writer: not to expect others to value what you’ve done as you value it. Not to expect anyone else to perceive it in the emotions you have invested in it. Once this is understood, “all will be well.”

– Joyce Carol Oates

You know what is going through my mind. Often artists are not recognised in their time. That helps you know. Van Gough wasn’t and he got mightily depressed about his own struggles. But oh my his works are world famous now. 

DAY 1 – DAILY PROMPT: 

Write a short Declaration of Independence from everything you feel is getting in the way of your Creative Revolution. It can be a person, adversary or limiting circumstances, or it can live inside of you: your fear, sense of not-enoughness, perfectionism, lacks and weaknesses. BREAK FREE THROUGH WORDS. 

———–
You can do this. You can. You’ve got today and right now and that’s all you need. No looking back. Heck you’ve got plenty to talk about. Don’t think you’ve got nothing to say any longer. You hold the power my dear simply by turning up in this very moment. Writing even one word. One sentence is bravery and it’s a start to all you’ve been feeling.. All you’ve held inside. Your words are your personal declaration. They hold the key. Don’t think just do it. Don’t be afraid of what comes out. You’ll be ok. Don’t think about the consequences because every word you write will become your freedom. Your fight back and your life flowing. Every word is your struggle unleashed and your pain brought to the light. You’ve been born to do this. To take back your soul from the depths of despair and triumphantly herald a new day and an ever brightening future. To run, skip, dance and leap forward bravely and do that which your spirit has been straining to bring forth. Today is that day. It’s a new day. A new hope stirring inside you. Declare to yourself that you’ll keep returning and let the Spirit in you guide and release your destiny but it’s in your own words and in your own unique style. Nothing will stop you if you let your passion, your truth and the glory and magnificence of your soul fly fully unchecked and defiantly in the face of adversity and nothing my dear will be able to dim that light!