Tag Archives: art expression

In Peace Will I Lay Down And Sleep

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In peace I will lay down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Ps 4:8

This digital art work makes me feel really good. I showed the kids last night and they knew it was a representative of myself. Well they said it was me.. But I am not that skinny lol and I use creative license.. I sleep under the covers most times but I am making myself vulnerable here so you see the whole of me as I am.

I want to keep my art expression real as I want my whole life to be. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom and on this bed. Sitting or sleeping.

The main reason for this art piece is not just a kind of selfie I want to share an experience of the divine while sleeping\resting on this bed. I want to be vulnerable in the telling because that is who I am. I want to show myself as I am, where I am and how I am but also I do pray that in the vulnerability you see something more then just me.

The other night I was lying in my bed much like this with my things on the bed beside me and yes I have creative license to make it look the way it looks. To be honest there is usually more stuff then that on my bed and can be in piles in my room around my bed. I have become more of a hoarder in my older years.

My phone and ipad are usually very close to me always. My phone particularly and not for phone calls but to text and keep in touch with the world through social media and I use it for so many things as well as reading and looking at art of all kinds. This bed is the same bed I have slept in since we bought it in 2000 or thereabouts after coming home to Victoria from Western Australia. We had to furnish a whole house and needed a bed. Queen size and I used to share it with my husband and can you believe its been 10 years since I was married.

So it has not always been a happy place to lie in as a single woman because I miss someone beside me. To snuggle up to at night. Being in this bed I am reminded of the past and what I do not have. I feel my aloneness. My singleness. So the other night as I lay here with all my stuff and those thoughts come.. When you ponder where you are in life. How you are feeling. What has happened to you to get you to this point. I was painfully aware of being single. Being deaf and on disability and living with limited means. Of living in a shared house. Of frustrations to be myself amongst close relationships. Of my body aging.. I was aware of my introversion. The struggle to be motivated…. Etc.. And as anyone would know the list goes on.. You lie there and lay your life or lack of life out in your mind and yes lol most of the hardest and most difficult parts are premiering.. My head was reeling with all my lacks and frustrations.

But wonderfully and the absolute reason for this whole sharing is I was also incredibly aware of a deep sense of peace within. I have felt this before. Once years ago leaning against a toilet door around that danger time of 5:30 ish for a parent when you’ve got a house full of kids and they all want you but you have a full evening before you can relax and rest up. I think there was even little hands trying to get in under the crack of the door.. Trying to find me.. I realized that I still had energy and was still going even though in those days I used to stay up way too late and Justin worked so much and we had struggles with each other even back then.. I recognized that peace and that I was being helped despite myself and it had nothing to do with me.

Another experience was during the time baby Tyler was ill and in ICU in hospital. It was during a very stressful and difficult time in my life when I wanted to escape into music that normally would make me cry and release emotions but I couldn’t cry and I didn’t know why but it was that peace within that kept me calm and still and when the realization came it is an incredible moment like you are suddenly face to face with God and all those hard things just sort of melt away.. And so again I was just suddenly transfixed by it and still am incredibly comforted yes in this bed as I am with all that I have experienced in my life. The thing about this peace is once you have experienced it you do not forget it and it can help you again when you remember!!! You instantly recognize that it is other worldly well at least I do.. HE himself has said it surpasses our understanding.. I think tribulations make it even more recognizable.

This peace comes again despite me and I would be remiss to say I have not contributed to how I am but I do not take credit for this peace. Much has happened to me out of my control, other things I just don’t work at changing. Other things again I just accept and some might call it laziness and I can be very lazy, others might say depression or a giving up. I don’t label it but I know that I have lost a lot of energy for much and live pretty basically and do minimal rather then maximum. I concentrate on spiritual rather then flesh.

This peace is not due to great faith I would not say I have great faith. I have faith yes. I acknowledge God yes. But I do not live as a majority who I know profess faith and live. I do not pretend to be someone I am not. But I believe and know God with me. I do not follow people or go to a weekly place of worship perse but look to God where I am and as I am and that can be 24\7 but not all the time it is rather I am aware of HIM always HE is the reason for everything. This peace is just so deep and so beautiful and again I HAVE to share it. I don’t even think of the fact that maybe few if anyone will read it though for peace sake I hope everyone does because this would help anyone whose life is difficult and how much does our world need peace.

Maybe the art will be seen simply because its colorful and stands out on social media and it might attract attention. People seem to notice art much more then writing but unless you know my heart the art is just a pretty bright digital art piece and oh LORD I hope my heart where you dwell is seen and people might want to think about you or find you. Amen and amen..

I truly hope others would find this peace and it isn’t to do with me. I do pray but its spasmodic. It isn’t cause I am any special kind of person because I am not. But that peace which is HIS presence is with us all you need do is to be aware and seek HIM for his sake HE says seek and you will find.

If I kept focusing on the troubles it be easy to be depressed because its been such an impossible struggle to live as I believe and share my heart which is my way in the world. To be even able to communicate normally and deeply when the world isn’t that way then being deaf on top its a cruel and difficult thing. I shared my heart with a loved one not long ago, no response as yet and that happens so much. I even wrote to them answer only when you can but I wonder you know why someone who says they love me as I am has no answer even if its to say well I need time or to think or I have no answer . I give people that option now not to respond not that I don’t want them too I do but I would rather feel more apt to invite non response then have it happen anyway and just live on as if that is normal. Such is my life.

That I do experience peace when I cannot communicate normally and struggle with it and there isn’t much coming back to me is incredibly affirming because I have not had to do anything special to receive it.. Bless God.. I feel so loved, so valued even as I am and especially as I am. I just look to HIM as I am that’s it. I talk to HIM as I am that’s it. I do find comfort in some scriptures which is HIS word to us. I have many that I know off by heart and I can thank my upbringing and many faithful Christians for teaching me to memorize it and store it in my heart.

It is this one that comforted me on my bed the other night.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 this is the King James Version because that is what I know..

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed but not in despair. Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

We are troubled on every side not distressed.. Makes me tear up.. Not distressed.. Because HE is with us.. HIS peace is perfect despite our imperfections and it comes to us right where we are.

I want to show myself in my pj’s I often stay in them for hours.. I love reading.. Writing.. Art.. Watching TV series and discussions and people speaking and living as their characters and in other worlds, true life stories and documentaries.. because I can read every word via deaf captions.. I feel like I am in the world again because they are living and loving and breathing, there is give and take..sharing back and forth and I can understand every word!!! I do not feel condemned doing art, watching TV, using social media and keeping a blog. Sharing my heart and my faith because that makes me happy and free and I am feeling a part of the world and we are supposed to share our faith. So even as an introvert with my things around me.. I am aware of HIS love and HIS abiding peace and I feel held. I just want everyone that feels different or struggles in this world to know that GOD loves you and will help you through all that batters your soul and HE can give you help within to live despite frustrations on every side.

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She Remembered

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I read those words in a novel I am currently reading and they stood out and motivated me to create this art and make a perfect heading.

Absolute struggle for me personally of late and this time I have told nobody except God alone. I don’t think I have ever done that before. Especially considering the intensity of it. I had a night of disturbed sleep and very dramatic dreams and I was struggling with what it all personally meant to me. Alone with it but I went straight to GOD and it was enough!! Peace came.. An absolute complete turn around in me.

The girl or woman figure in the painting is in black and white. No colour in her world. She craves it but you cannot change things sometimes no matter how hard you want it changed. I knew immediately that she was going to be in black and white and you were only going to see half of her face. She is right there easily accessed awake and waiting. But she’s struggling.

I wanted to add these words too which were my own truth.

She fails. She hurts. She’s anxious. She doubts. She has faults. She needs.

But what strikes me in my own life as I created this is that I can so very easily interpret it right here and there is so much meaning and I don’t intend for it, or work for it or even have to think it out. But yet I am able to easily see it in what I have created that it is flowing out of me with absolute ease..

I can tell you I am not one to easily explain myself to anyone even those closest to me and yes I didn’t recently tell anyone either even though it was such an intense battle I was facing. In fact my hardest battles have mostly been fought on my own. So it is from all this that my art expression in this painting finds its outlet.. And there’s this incredible difference between flesh and spirit and how I face the world when I live via one as opposed to the other.

So my black and white portrait despite the struggle is up nice and close, even in her rawness shes not staying small. She is incredibly upfront and vulnerable but to me that is bravery. My life too has been incredibly hidden yet I believe and can see that at least art wise, creative wise I am up front.

She is looking straight ahead. I find such strength here despite the fact I am writing raw words, hard words. Even void of colour she is still head forward, eyes opened and I think very fearless.
The painting is depicting that moment where she is remembering HIM and all that HE has become to her on her journey and how when that comes into the light faults don’t even matter in fact we can be shamelessly bold. I know I quote this alot. When I am weak HE is strong but I am going to take it even a step further because the well known verse talks about being able to boast about it and that this is exactly how best HIS help is seen in us and through us.. And it is exactly how it is in my life to especially me.

But here I think you can best see the juxtapose of my painting. The frail human next to the strong figure of Jesus who is the Christ yet they stand level and together as one. In HIS rich and vivid colours HE is full of beauty, majesty and also ever present help and is accessible to me but it is not by sight but by faith so I chose to have his eyes closed because HE is my rest and my comfort and I don’t need to see him to know HIM. I also believe that I can fully trust HIM to bring together all my loose ends and all that troubles me and it will be a great ending despite some very hard and long chapters..

I know many talk of walking and talking with HIM.. Hearing HIM and even seeing HIM.. I haven’t had that to a great extent in my life. It has been a pure faith walk.. Spiritual battle that is way beyond my strength and ability to cope and even make sense of… So I find incredible fortitude when peace fills my heart despite all that comes against me and all that falls away and all I fail at. Gives me rock solid unsinkable hope.

Changes the atmosphere around me and I can find my rhythm and express my faith in a way that paints purpose into my life and I also get the joy that comes because I share that with you. I resonate also with the red colours on his face.. There is pain in HIS face mixed with royal beauty and majesty and I resonate with the suffering HE went through coming to earth to live as a fragile human to help me find and access eternal life on earth even before I die.

This painting so lifts up my spirit because its so meaningful to my life, journey and testimony but its also honest about where I am and I who I am and I hope and pray you can see HIS strength because it is absolutely life changing especially when I have been so fragile and it is radiating in me so strong and beautifully even though people close to me only partly see me and that for the most part I have felt so black and white in this world ..

I don’t want to impress people with my talents that is not my desire at all. I want to show what GOD has done to help me through my difficulties and I know my weakness shows that up better then my strengths ever could.. HE is so real to me and so present. The inspiration behind the painting.. The creative ideas came from HIM. I had nothing I was nowhere even close to creating something like this but HE just makes that much difference and the peace that comes I mean you need no props and it didn’t come from anyone else at all so anyone can have all this as well right where you are and right now as you are. I truly was all those things I wrote. I just desire with all my heart to show what HE does for the fragile soul for the soul that struggles in this world and does not understand what is going on. But who can find hope, purpose and joy just in being who I am, and encourage you to find all these as you are and through who we are created to be… faults and all.

I was struggling but when I remembered it made all the difference..

HE is
I AM
LOVE
PEACE
TRUTH
LIFE

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“Meg, I give you your faults.”
“My faults!” Meg cried.
“Your faults.”
“But I’m always trying to get rid of my faults!”
“Yes,” Mrs. Which said. “However, I think you’ll find that they’ll come in handy on Camazotz.”

From the movie ‘Wrinkle in Time’