Brokenness

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Brokenness

Opening Question –

When you look back on the story of your life, tell about a moment when you felt broken. It doesn’t have to be your darkest secret, just a time when you were aware you were flawed.

There isn’t a specific moment I could highlight there’s too many..

My brokenness has been that I can’t communicate freely and that isn’t just because I’m deaf.

I know many nights I have been laying there with tears falling in the darkness because I’d lost that fight in me.. that desire.. that spark. Thinking of where I am in my life. All the people I’m no longer in contact with.. and all the ways I fall so short.. The ways I’ve lost the desire for what brings me alive simply because I’m so often alone with it.

That I didn’t have motivation anymore to keep sharing my heart which is one of my most favourite things to do. You can see it here where a question opens a vault that has been sealed shut and it’s not a simple straight forward sharing it’s a bleeding heart share.

I like deep sharing.. honesty and vulnerability and I don’t expect it of others but when you find yourself unable to communicate in a way that’s meaningful without feeling strange and alone doing it.. it is soul crushing.

I have felt so broken that for all that I wished to say it just sorta died in me and you lose the ability to care that you speak at all..

I am shy.. I am deaf.. and when its a struggle to easily share things that mean so much to me I shut down. Without sharing it’s like not breathing and I am akin to a fish out of water.. I die daily inside for it. I fade away..

It is why art expression has been a salvation of sorts.. it’s given me a reason to stay open, flowing and vulnerable. But even water has to flow somewhere and my heart needs it too.. to find it’s reason for creation and for the way it’s created and that’s for connection.

Without my soul finding it’s flow I stagnate and it’s a horrible place to be especially if your light is hidden and you can’t shine it..

The fact that for a long long time and on so many many occasions I have poured my heart out till it felt there was simply nothing left to say and for what?

I have felt broken by the fact that most of it had gone into some big empty bottomless void. It is defeating when the people that mean the most to me I cannot connect with them because no matter how I say things they could not see my heart or that it was how God created me and that IT IS for some greater reason. It doesn’t help either when you keep to yourself.. it’s either oversharing or under sharing I can’t win.

I have felt like anything I said needed filtering and I was speaking a different language and I really have felt so foolish and shameful that I had so much to say and it got messier the more I didn’t say things.. and when I did say things no response came back at all and at critical moments.. I just stopped trying in so many ways..

My soul just kind of shuts down and there really is no point to work at it for nothing. I don’t feel flawed so much because I’ve never hidden that fact.. I’m well aware of that and it’s strikingly obvious and I can’t hide it nor do I want too. God has also said it’s in my weakness HE shows up best. And it’s why I don’t fear my brokenness and can even trust HIM to use it.

But in a world where it’s all about what you achieve and accomplish and how you conduct yourself .. and ‘it’s just not said’ or seen as ‘attention seeking’ being vulnerable from a human perspective just falls so so so short.. it’s not even on most people’s radar.

I have just felt defeated that I’ve had no strength to rise and that I cant handle being who I am all by myself and sharing how I feel over and over has only made my world feel strangely small and the void weakens my heart and makes me feel invisible..

It is as if I am some kind of alien and the only one amongst the ‘altogether people’ who never need to say emotional type things or perhaps it’s because they all have someone who listens to them in private. I often wonder if I had someone who listened to me and I could flow freely always would I share so much openly? Probably not.. it would be quite a relief to not be a person who is always so vulnerable because it does cost you.

****

I can’t believe how this has just come so hard and fast and it is deep sharing. But I’m not afraid. I hope you can see the parallel… What is physical weakness and what is spiritual strength. That spiritual strength right there is how you see God.. I know great fortitude is in me that is so not of me..

This is how I know that I know that I know.. God is helping me.. I sense how great Gods peace is in my weakness and fragility.. for that you need to see my brokenness.. Gives you some idea of the way HE has kept me from giving up altogether and that every time I share despite so much pushing myself through for little reward it’s HIS strength in me you are seeing..

This writing tonight is based on a study for the book.. ‘The Broken Way’ By Ann Voskamp.. I found the book at a second hand store for $2..

I bought the study book today as an E-book and as always thought I’d share my answers here as I read it.. That’s the hope. And I do still hold out hope as the books says.. For that daring path into the abundant life because although I believe God is using my brokenness I have to live much via faith for what it all means.

The study is probably meant for a group well I’m not in a group nor could easily hear to participate.. I may not also watch the DVD accompanied lessons either as all I could find online was one free chapter with deaf captions. You can buy the DVD with all the chapters but not sure if it has deaf captions and quite frankly I can’t be bothered seeking it out. Most times you have to write directly to the company and it takes time to get a response then if so order, buy, wait etc and that’s only if the DVD has captions.. I did search for awhile but I have had to learn to work with what I have.. I do prefer to have questions though they help guide me.

*****

A few little quotes I underlined already in the book.

Great grief isn’t made to fit inside your body. It’s why your heart breaks.

His love’s around us everywhere.

Maybe the deepest wounds birth deepest wisdom.

Sometimes all our unspoken broken speaks louder than anything we could ever say.

*****

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