Conner is number 5 child in our family. Counted in human terms as our 4th born child on earth as baby Tyler who was officially born fourth is in heaven now. He has always been pretty special because I gave birth to him just shy of 1 year after the loss..
Having a healthy little baby after losing a baby it is life changing in more ways then one ; everything is heightened. I am starting to tear up just thinking about it. I’ve always had a habit of calling him Conner Sam though he doesn’t particularly like being called that so I don’t use it generally but only here as it’s meaningful to me. Samuel is his second name named after Tyler Samuel who is in heaven. Conner and Tyler are for me forever entwined together. I was pregnant 4 months after the loss.
I started this digital painting back in 2019 and hadn’t finished it, which is like a lot of things in my life. I shared it online half done back in August 2019 because I just love sharing things and can’t always wait to do so.. And sometimes the hope is that it will spur me on by sharing early to get it done. Obviously that didn’t work in this case lol.
Finally finished it today. I haven’t changed it too much, and I probably didn’t even use the same digital procreate brush to finish it because I can’t remember which one I originally used so that might make the art not look so good and not flow. I just wanted to finish it and its meaningful to me and really that is all that matters. The art was created more for me personally then anyone else. Of course I hope Conner and the family like it.
Conner is aged 22 at this current time of writing and has recently moved out of my home and it makes sense to finish his digital painting now. He is on my mind.
Yesterday we visited him and his older brother at their house which isn’t too far from here. They now live together first time in many years since Keanu moved out of home when he was at High School. I was having some trouble with getting him to school. I asked his dad if he could help me with him.
He had previously had a dose of Glandular fever and missed a bit of school probably a month in all. But I wasn’t very successful to get him moving and back into the rhythm of life again as I was a single mother with 4 at home and still getting used to life without their father Justin around.. Life was pretty hard back then after a marriage break up.. so I needed his fathers help and support. I never intended him to move out permanently but he went to stay with his dad for a bit and never returned full time with me. He has explained since that he felt his Dad needed someone seeing we all were living together and his dad was alone.. Although it hurt me for him to not come home again.. I love that Keanu was thinking so much about his dad.. I can appreciate the sentiment much better now.
That was back in 2010 maybe cause Keanu was in his final years of High School.. year 11 I think.. And the two brothers have been separate ever since. I mean they did stay with their dad together when Zali and Conner did weekeneds with their Dad and also here and there with each other but not full time. I think they both will enjoy being together cause that is what Keanu says is the best thing about his new house.. Being with his brother full time.
I only have one child at home now. Zali is 19 and doing uni studies plus she works a job too.
It is hard saying goodbye. Having lived with Conner 22 years. I mean with the loss of baby Tyler, break up of the marriage etc… I find it extra hard to see them move out but happy at the same time to see them moving on with their lives.
I want to share just a little story that happened yesterday. I think that sums up how proud I am of Conner and what sort of young man he has become.
I went to visit him with Zali who is learning to drive. Any trip we do she needs the driving practice and it helps to add up her 120 hours of driving needed before she can do the exam to become a fully qualified driver.
While I was there at the new house, it was mid morning and there was no heating on. The house was a bit cold. Conner went and got me a blanket to cover me as I sat in his lounge. Plus made me a cup of coffee.. Oh my.. So kind and considerate makes me emotional.. Also bought me lunch when Zali and I drove both brothers into town to get some things they wanted and groceries they needed. Neither of the boys drive or own a car so I am happy to run them around.
If I have done any good raising Conner.. Raising my children and I say that from a mothers point of view. If I have raised them to be kind and considerate people. I think I have done my job well..
I love this young man. I love his gentle spirit and although I miss him around the house. I know he is happy and in a lovely home. And I am proud of him. He has in recent years struggled with his mental health and after leaving school finally after years of not being able to get a job and the frustration that comes with that.
Conner landed a few hours/shifts a week where his sister works but unfortunately they laid him off over the covid virus and how it has affected the way businesses run. Which was really disappointing for him..
It was so good to see him getting up to go to work, saving for things and being able to hold a steady job and they say he was doing well there. I believe he can and will experience that again hopefully soon..
If you happen to read this Conner.. I am very proud of you and the young man you have grown up to be.. And love you very much and I hope this art shows you how important you are to us your family and especially to me your mother and that I think the world of you and always will.