Finding my voice again..

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Oh my haven’t been here in ages. But it is so good to be expressing myself again. Been a long period of no motivation for art and expressing myself. 😦

I bought ANOTHER book lol I am a bit of a hoarder of books. But I have had needs in myself that I cannot fill with anything I have already. So I have been searching and yearning for something more I suppose you could say. I don’t always know what that is mind you. But search I do nevertheless.

As always its about getting stuff out of me because I tend to close up shop if I cannot express myself. Oh boy sit like a rock you know for days, months and onwards. You know when I am good I am expressing myself and when I am not I consider it a bad state.

The book I bought is Visual Journaling.. Going Deeper than Words. Barbara Ganim and Susan Fox. I have been working through it now about 6 days. Using art to reduce stress, get in touch with feelings and give voice to Soul. With simple images and colours and its quite amazing how these can speak and express just how you feel.. I am flabbergasted actually by how easy it is to do this but it is powerful at the very same time.

Bypasses the rational side of your brain somehow and I can quite confidently tell you that what you draw on a blank page from the get go is how you are feeling. Following along with guided questions you are able to then journal what it means and boy do I love it. I have found myself writing very easily.

Unlike the past I have not needed to share like I always have not sure what that means though but I suppose maybe I am happier to the point I am peace to share or not to share. Today I will. I do so because it has so helped me that I just know others may need this kind of therapy as desperately as I have. I am feeling more centred. More at peace. More able to talk about everything with gusto. I am not shut down like I have been. It is a lovely experience.

Todays art expression was based on using sound, in the form of humming, I used my voice too because being a deaf person I cannot use music. Though the activity seemed more about humming a tune within our selves.

I sang/hummed the song “Wind Beneath My Wings”… for my visual journaling. Its funny you know my register of songs and music is limited to what I have heard in my past. I started losing my hearing when I was in my early 20’s and its gradually got less and less as the years have gone by. So I only know and think upon music I know from my hearing years. So its dated music. But this song is one of my favourites. I try not to subconsciously think on what I am going to visually express in my art.. Let what comes come.

I have to set an intention at the beginning of every session but it is not something I am musing over rather it guides me. My intention for this was.  Finding My Voice Again..

That it was set to humming/singing music is a very deep issue for me being that I truly miss music. To the point where I am sure not being able to hear music has contributed to my shutting down and losing my voice.

As I hummed along to the song and sang it I just let my pen which was a gold ink signo broad pen (love love love these pens) sort of flow along with my experience. Visualising it on my page. The intitial wave form with the gold pen is not easily seen when you look at this art. It is in the background and we were encouraged to notice any images coming through our scribbles or wave patterns. The color of blue and gold are the themes for this piece. What I was feeling. Turned into tears and gold mountains. Because as I looked on my expressions that is what I thought about. Again I just let what comes come.

Obviously as I contemplate this exercise there is a lot of sadness associated with my feelings. I miss music. I miss getting lost in the song and lyrics and for me singing I got so carried away when I sang.. you know I would belt out songs lol usually. It’s emotionally charging when you sing and there is a letting go I think of emotions when you sing from your depths. Its a very sad time for me not to sing and listen and be moved by the power of music. But also it wasn’t just about the sadness. It was about emotions I was feeling as I hummed and sang. I was feeling the feelings about.. singing the words.. enjoying it and remembering the past and why I loved that song and times I sang it etc or listened to it. Of course it reminds me of my past and back when I was younger and a hearing person and a different sort of person because I had not gone through as much grief and trials as I have since.

Even as I write this the whole experience of this Visual Journaling has brought so much more to the surface and along with it.. much more meaning to what has flowed out of me. It is way more than just the song it is connected to my past, present and I am hungrily connecting the visual representations to all that my life is. Oh my how deliciously deep is this!!!!

Way more than just this exercise. I felt like my story, my past, perhaps even the last decade of my life was flowing up out of me and I can understand it and its not locked up inside anymore. YAY!!!!

Thinking of how my faith and God has lifted me up on wings and I see my story here on the page and that telling my story is giving me my voice back. That it has been a lonely journey, fraught with tears, many tears. Losing my voice the hardest. It’s when you start to feel what is my purpose. Why am I even here in this world?

This shows I am always aware of Gods presence even though it’s been hard. The wings of God carrying me through all of it. Sound carried my emotions onto this page. Hard place, lots of sadness and emotion along the way. I know and am aware that HE God was undergirding me. Aware of importance of telling it truthfully. Not being afraid. Everything is important. It is beautifully personal and about ‘ME’ as opposed to many messages I have heard which say contrary. God cares about me…. every tear and emotion I feel and why.

Psalm 56:8 David prays to God.. “Thou tellst my wanderings, put thou my tears in Thy bottle; are they not in Thy book?”..

Long period. Preciousness of my personal journey and my journaling tells you I have not always seen or known what was going on and I have had to use my faith, stubbornly believe God with me not always seeing or knowing.. But faith carried me when I was unsure, alone, rejected, seeking and not finding.

Importance of each individual tear. Emotions have their purpose. Important to document. Tell it. Express it. Music/Sound even when I cannot hear it, perhaps in this case shows it has not disappeared but now shows its ultimate power..  by bringing up my very heart/soul depths. How I’ve missed so much and indeed desperately needed my emotional outflow.

My voice. Your voice. Our voices..  are vitally important.

One response »

  1. There is a lot in this post. I appreciated your saying,” I have to set an intention at the beginning of every session but it is not something I am musing over rather it guides me.” I am learning from you as I read your blogs. I would like to do something like this but I feel intimidated to even think about it. I freeze up. Need to get to the bottom of that.

    This I think was primarily for you, yourself. Maybe that is why people did not comment at first. It’s okay. Even if you receive no external validation from other people, you do not have to have it for your experience to be real. It is important for you. When you feel let down, try to find joy just in the fact that you are in process of becoming more and more free. I admire what you do.

    I am sorry you lost your hearing. I sit and try to imagine what that must be like for you. I would be very upset if I could not hear music anymore. I wish I knew what to say. You are brave. I am so glad you have discovered visual art as well as writing to communicate. You are miles and miles ahead of me in communicating!! Don’t stop no matter how it seems to be received. You are still putting it out there into the universe, and this can impact people you never even know about. Way more people read than the number of people who take time to comment. Many times when I have shared a song no one says a word. Last time, one man did come up to tell me it meant very much to him. I was surprised. I know myself when I have heard/ seen something from an artist, I have often felt too shy to approach them to tell them how it impacted me. Sometimes something really touches a person, but in such a personal way that they don’t want to talk about it or cannot share it.

    Blue and Gold to me are important colors. It is amazing how this art piece turned out. It says a lot. Did you have tears while creating it?

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