Day 23/30 Day Journal Project
“Make voyages. Attempt them. There’s nothing else.”
— Tennessee Williams
Prompt : What propels me forward..
I am propelled forward by the content I come across in life and as always it fits. Doesn’t matter when I look for it. What time of day or state of mind I am in. It all fits. This is exactly what keeps me going forward.
Lord have mercy. When there is nothing in the tank but still I can drive ha ha. What is that?? A miracle. IT IS HIS strength in my weakness.. is what it is. No doubt about that. It is an inward journey I am on or voyage. Sailing the sea of the Kingdom of God. My Spirit alive and free. While my body sadly lags. My flesh gave up many moons ago. True that.
Today the magazine cover floors me. It is a magazine I rarely read that comes in the mail because I am in a roadside assist for my car. Magazine comes with the deal. I cut pictures out of it that is about it. But today the cover oh my oh my.
THIS is what propels me forward. That a Lion is a representation of GOD. Look at the title. Woah.. In the KING’S DOMAIN. Couldn’t be anymore accurate!! I have basically failed in the human domain. Mmm and I am not ashamed to say that. But IN HIS domain well it’s a whole different ball game. The Kingdom of God is within. So my introversion serves me well.
My daily voyages are in-wards. Art picture fits. I copied or drew it based on another artists pic. Nothing like the original except the figure is based on it. No worries about copyright lol. I just liked the closed eyes and the hand on her heart. It’s a representation of myself and my inner voyage. The arrows are outward pressures. I have felt them about as strongly as I ever have of late. I don’t always fair well with the voyage. It can be choppy seas and I spend most of it holding the edge of the ship and hanging on for dear life. But when I do cry out to God and look for HIM HE is always with me. Last night he was speaking to me in my dreams. It felt like I was not sleeping much. But today I am no more tired than other days so I don’t know what exactly it was. He seemed to have much to say. Traditional type prayers have kind of let me down. I don’t know it’s very hard to know what to pray for when you don’t see much change in your life. Our oldest daughter has had what looks like a relapse of earlier illness that knocked her around as a teenager. It’s a knife in your heart when a child suffers. You suffer along with them as a parent. You may not feel the pain they do but you feel a different kind of suffering alongside of them. Our daughter has worked so hard to get through university, finally is qualified and doing nicely and illness strikes. It seems so unfair.
The other night I cried out with what felt like virtually no faith at all. I have never been in that place before. I have always had some faith. Small though it may be but never what felt faithless. I was crying and just saying GOD I don’t believe help my unbelief. I guess even when you feel you have none I was aware and still crying to God. But it felt so absolutely empty my faith gauge. Like I didn’t even want to because nothing much happens in that prayer realm but I still need help and my daughter needs help. So Damn it I am here crying because I have nowhere else to turn.
I know HE is there and I do not doubt that. I know HIM very closely because there isn’t really even a person I can talk too about deep things anymore. Not in a way I feel I need too. I am glad HE is there I was just very physically low that night and stretched thin. Strange times. I know others go through it too in their own way. One thing that amazed me as I cried out was what I said.
“LORD I want to see.”
Over and over. Now I am single and a loner and my heart cry wasn’t for a man or friend. Though I did also cry out for someone just one other person who gets me and I can share my heart and this crazy loneliness with. But my main cry was to see!?! Just has felt very dark for quite some time. No breakthroughs. No changes. I have had no energy for much at all. Nothing that I could say has happened that I could put my finger on. This is helping me or that is helping me or this person is close and I can go to them. Has been no one. Not the way I need. I want to see something more for all the darkness. I know I have not been alone in it. I know it all has helped me know peace and joy and spiritual strength like nothing else on earth could bring me. That is there that has not alluded me. It is just this darkness and void that I walk through daily that seems never ending. It is a most unpleasant place.
To see the Lion. To read “In the King’s domain.” To talk here and now about a voyage. To talk about what propels me forward. Is this. That I desperately need to see GOD for HE alone is the only one who knows and can comfort me right now in this place. HE who can make HIS presence known even using a secular magazine. It is incredibly comforting I just suppose I need to avail of HIM more then ever before. It may not mean anything to anyone else but to me it is the “seeing” I need and I have cried out for. I must believe I am indeed in HIS realm. That HE is taking care of me and I can let go of all that outwardly isn’t making sense and seems to be obliterating me from the outside.
Look beyond the difficult to the clear messages and signs GOD is sending my way and putting in my path. Avail it. Breathe it. Live it. Share it. 🙂
At the end of this writing I will show you what I am seeing and have seen in the past. I really truly hope sharing my own personal low and high moments. Anyone else struggling will start seeing GOD in their own lives in whatever way HE shows up and that your spirit sees more clearly than ever before. No I cannot unfortunately save you from the physical world or give you anything in that realm but I can show you that GOD has not abandoned you therefore somehow someway there is something greater happening and inwardly we can be revived and I believe we will walk through it eventually.
++ The art of the Lion I came across over 3 years ago and it so so so encourages me in my life journey and it helps me for where I am and how I am.. you should be able to see it still links in and is extremely relevant.. I paid the artist money to download it, keep and use it.