JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project Day 4
“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?”
Today’s Journal Prompt:
I am pulled inward by… circumstances and pure delight.
I asked GOD why yesterday. Why this has happened the way it has? Why it has been such a lonely type of journey and what was supposed to happen next? Like ok GOD it is a Spirit thing I get that. But ok now what? I acknowledge You are here and even though it feels like I am alone. I am not because You are here. The very prompts above make me squirm a little because it seems all about me though and wow that cannot be right can it? I mean isn’t the journey of life supposed to be ALL about other people and me last of all? GOD first of course. The outward has not given me much help except to tell me all the things wrong with me and how I should face it and ways to survive in the outer world. Yet when I do allow the inward. You GOD to be center and all the other stuff to fade still they find fault or just want to write me off?? I mean I am supposed to just go and forget myself and do service to the community to tell them about YOU when I don’t even know where I am going or what my purpose is. Anywhere but here. That sounds rather hollow to me. Like I am getting the person in a shell only because they have to be there. Not because they really want to be. Out of service rather then the heart. Fake.
Only when I look to YOU alone can I still my beating heart. Can I breath easily and find my own rhythm. And its only by knowing who I am that I am found confidence in the gifts and joy of being creative and my creative journey has given me back a voice the world wanted to shut down. Only by closing my heart to the voices who for some reason find fault and not add support can I do the workings on a page or writing like this. I cannot do those things when I am doing what is a constant struggle without help and living a certain way because everyone does it like that. I am not anyone else I am me. There it is. I am pulled in wards not out wards. Is that a sin or should I fight it? Is not this where heaven is? Is this not where you are? Is this not where my Spirit and Your Spirit are one? Is not this where the real me lives? The me that will live on for all eternity when my body eventually ages and dies and me lives on. All seems so deep and yet so different to the way of the masses. Yet I love deep and deep calls to deep.
When I think about it I have never been drawn to the shallower things. I want and crave deep. It bores me chit chat so I excuse myself from it. My deafness has been a bonus in this. I can say sorry I cannot hear and step away. But I feel guilty though. I feel I have missed so much of the every day conversations and things that EVERYBODY seems to know. Yet have I really missed so much? Or am I the one learning and growing from the all that the rest ignore because the outer life is the way to go. Yet the outer life only exists for as long as we are in the body.
The fascination about any kind of art expression is. It will live on after the flesh person is no longer. How many books, paintings, poems, pieces of architecture, films, sculptures and so on will remain on earth to be seen, loved, admired and studied after the author, actor, artist, painter, etc has passed on.
The very thing that is happening right now to me in this prompt, in this 30 days of having to sit and journal is there is no boundaries on my spirit at all. I can write what I want and think what I want and instead of looking to the constrictions of my life I am free. For once in my life I am seeing it.. Freedom. Because its Sunday. As I write this millions of Australians are sitting in churches under pastors or teachers and they do that every week, or more often. Yet here I sit on my bed, with my trusty lap top. And I have the same Spirit they do. Yet I can be in my own home, on my own bed, in my pjs even, yet I am still a part of that. Not because of where I am but because of the Holy Spirit. That is the same anchor we all have yet HE doesn’t say do this or do that. HE is in us. HE in us make the whole lot of us one. Right where we are. As we are. HE gives us freedom. HE gives us talents and HE gives us choices. This art is my talent. This art expression is my choice.. And the way I am being is HIS gift to me. This freedom every person in the world has right now. It is a joy. It is a knowing. It is a force greater then us yet available to all of us. I just acknowledge HIM and let my spirit flow. Strange though how it happens in and through me.
And IT IS GOOD!!!