Pushing beyond..


How do you push yourself beyond your smaller self? And where/how could you push yourself harder? Have you ever felt like quitting right before a breakthrough?

I believe that is Gods job.. If I just look to Him for all of this.. Be unafraid of my imperfections.

It’s in the every day just doing what I enjoy and where I flow. Society, family, social norms, current trends, life in general all has a pattern to it. People strive for improvements, to work for their living, to raise a happy healthy family, to share the gospel, to follow God and love their fellow man. My smaller self and beyond to me is not following the crowd even though they are all commendable things worth doing. It’s not doing what is expected of someone like me in my life and family and even faith. Doing what everyone does. Its centering on what I do best, where I flow, where inspiration and my spirit take me even if nobody else notices that. The quote on this days prompts oh my it so strengthens my resolve for my current journey and where I am in my life.

“ You see, in my view a writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway. “ – Junot Diaz

It is like a drive within. A drive or burning desire to express what I see, feel, hear, touch, taste daily. Take what comes and work through it in my own way. To push myself harder would be just to keep going and perhaps work at many more things and use my time wiser. Keep intentional about my creative life. I have more time than many do but I am a procrastinator. I need to keep track of myself better. A break through or two would be nice I truly haven’t seen too many of them.. I have felt like quitting more times than I could count except I enjoy what I do and that keeps me going. I have faith that for all that isn’t happening the breakthrough will still come.. Mustard seed faith alright. I admire those who have much to show for themselves and get results that they can see and everyone else sees. I have to keep going despite not getting support and validation. I mean if you sold a lot of paintings you keep producing art because your making money, people love what you do and your soul work is touching the world. But when you make no money, your contributions not many notice and they don’t appear to make any difference and people do notice all that you are NOT doing.. It does seem utterly pointless. But yet here I am!!!!!

Choose a form of writing that terrifies you, and force yourself to write for at least 30 minutes, in that method. If poetry has always scared you, write poetry for half an hour, if you have always shied away from short stories, try to complete one, if you have always wanted to start a novel but have never taken the first step, use these 30 minutes to come up with at least a page or two, anywhere in the book, before you finish.


I stand before you. I look you straight in the eye. You know me so well. You can still make me blush. Even our aging bodies don’t make it hideous or less passionate.
If only you could see me seeing you and wanting you and desiring you. Despite everything. The power I feel for what it means is just mind blowing. Yes the dramas and failures and frustrations dog our every step. The fact we are totally opposite people. But think about it. I mean really think about it.
That we still have these embers. These embers that smolder despite all that have tried so hard and so long to put us out. That’s something!! They could make a movie about that. It’s just so hard to want something so long and so hard and yet it slips through your fingers daily and you burn a very slow death alone. Like standing before a window admiring the view but your never allowed inside to buy. I want to enter in. I want to buy. I want to try. I want to use. I want to keep. I don’t want to wait any longer outside looking in.
Yet we go on as we do. I find peace. There is me and there is you. It’s just there could be more. Much much more and I hope and pray that one day soon I’m no longer window gazing but a satisfied customer on the way home no longer alone!!!
I know even writing this I am just a voice in the wind. That may never be heard by the ears I wish to hear it. There is comfort though in the saying.. The voicing. I feel the tears still slip out of eyes on occasions and even I tremble in the power of those tears. Of the emotions that refuse not to be felt. Love surely is the most powerful force in the world. To continue long after the other person is present or aware or alive to enjoy it. I know that maybe it will be re-directed to another soul. But I will always love you. Deeply and just as I am. I don’t want that love to die. I don’t think it can. It doesn’t have too. One soul can hold a lot of love. I love each of our 6 children. I still love the one I can’t hold who is in heaven. It’s just I have to wait to physically show him and be with him but that love is still there inside me and I will never forget him. There is always room and a capacity for more love.
I gave up and I was going to skip over this one. But something Steven King (author) said brought me back. I can’t even quote it or remember where I saw it. It was about not giving up even though we don’t know what to write and its a struggle. Not letting it beat us but going back and having a crack at it. Something rose up inside me and wanted to overcome it. It wasn’t that I could not write for 30 minutes or whatever. It is just at the moment I started writing I couldn’t think what to write and it seemed dumb what I was writing. This is not probably 30 mins worth but I took even longer just sitting and fussing over it.  so its sort of what I wrote above combined with what I feel and am adding now.

Writing about something as personal as the love I still have inside me for my ex-husband seems too personal for others to read. Or if I share it that people will mis-understand me. But I still feel this way. It isn’t a lie to tell it. Perhaps nobody cares. I care. I feel it is a scary topic. Strong women cut their feelings off don’t they? Strong women move on. Move forward. I have moved on. I just still feel things that has not changed. I just move forward with that inside me. I shouldn’t care what people think. I don’t know why I share so much publicly. Because not all writing has to be shared. It’s just what I have always done. So I am being brave. I often think if I met someone else would they want me to still feel this for someone else? I honestly don’t know. It’s almost embarrassing to still feel it, to admit it. That part of your life seems past and yet I have truly let go and we have peace but still I feel.. It is what it is that is all I can say.




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