DAY 23 – DAILY PROMPT:
In exquisite detail, write about your biggest fear. Dive as deeply into it as possible, explore what about it scares you, why it scares you, how it scares you, what it makes you feel when it is scaring you. Haps, if you explain it deeply enough, the power it holds over you will be loosened.
As Dumbledore once said, “fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.” Give your fear a name and sing it loud.
Biggest fear… That nothing I do makes any difference at all. Nobody notices or really cares.
I can easily do what I do quite happily. I suppose because I do not work for money. Raising children yes. But not a job perse. You feel like what you are doing is not worth anything. It’s not that I need validation though its nice when you get it. It’s just I want to feel like I matter to someone other than just being a mother, sister, aunt or friend etc.. Ok people say I care. Which I am thankful for. But in my every day life nobody is seeking me out at home. Ok I am not one to seek others out either so perhaps that cancels this need or desire out. But it is so easy to write oneself out of the big picture. One day your life will flash across a church projector and a few loving souls will stand up and say how much they loved you. To me that is lame. I understand people do it and apparently having a lovely service filled with nice memories, a line up of souls to speak beautifully immortalizes that loved one and helps people say goodbye and grieve.
But most of us need that attention in the here and now and some of us more than others. I would much rather it here and now. I have so little energy for much these days. Making myself write because it is good for me and at the very least I am saying something somewhere.
Relationships are hard work aren’t they. Yet I am loving a TV program right now. “I am a Celebrity get me out of here..” And oh boy how I wish I could do this with a group of people even a few who are blood relatives. Apart from the difficulties they face in the African jungle with heat, not much food, trials that test them, being away from familiar comforts and family. They are developing close bonds with each other because they are forced together and to make it work you have to think of the other tribe mates around you. How I wish some people I know could benefit from this sort of close living where you had to rely on each other and get to really know the other people. How it would change the distance that eludes and robs us of so much. I just see that the way we are living isn’t really connecting us.
I can understand how it feels that I am not cared for and it’s perhaps how others feel too? But how does one change things? How do you in the normal every day life get closer to each other? Sometimes people have shut doors quite clearly to me. It seems they do not really want or value or need my company. I know that works two ways. But how do you change it? How do you get up one day and show you care in a way that makes the other person feel it and start to open their heart to you?
I don’t know. I love writing and I am glad I did it today. Fear squeezes out hope and strength but also makes you have to do something to either escape it or face it. It belittles you and raises its ugly head and says nothing you do will make a difference so why waste your breath and thoughts trying. You lose face or you have a go at beating it.
To face this fear I suppose I need to do something towards others. I cannot wait for the mountain to come to Mohammad. I have to be Mohammad and move towards the mountain. Show others I am interested in their lives. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. It doesn’t mean it will come back to me but it means I have done something to bring about a change or to open a door towards inviting deeper connections.
It may not mean people ask me about my daily life, writing, art or thoughts. 🙂 It has never really been about that it’s more deeper connections I seek. It’s funny how this fear has turned right around as I wrote about it. So that now I am facing not others or lack of others but facing myself. I am looking at what I can do to put myself in the best place for people to see that I do care. It is indeed making the difference.. Ha ha.. Full circle.. Who’d of thought that through my writing the answer would appear.