DAY 23 – DIG DEEPER:
How do you deal with perfectionism? Do you suffer from it to some extent? How do you overcome the idea of perfect or the sense of not good enough?
I DO NOT STRUGGLE WITH PERFECTIONISM!! EVER!!!!
I swing in the other extreme. Why bother trying hard if nobody notices anyway or if all they do is criticize and tell you HOW they do it. I enjoy doing things my own way. Not feeling forced or I am in a competition or under expectation. But I tend to take on board the comparison between myself and others even if I am not worried about it. Even though this is who I am. I don’t easily live it. Feel I have to explain myself for everything.
I am not trying to impress people at all but I do desire people to notice me though and I truly am not trying to irritate them or make their lives harder. I cannot be easily around people who do not respect me for who I am. You can think what you like and will but my life is my choice just like your life is your choice. That is a respect everyone deserves. I want to dig my heels in. Be rebellious in the doing nothing 🙂
I have to be honest about that.
I suppose it’s a sense of not good enough. It runs deeper than that. It is a standard I suppose that most everyone keeps intentionally or unintentionally. I don’t feel I ever meet that standard. So I let a lot of it go. I think back to when it started. It was abuse towards me or constant putting down of who I am and what I wanted and how I lived. Slowly eroded my sense of self. It was difficult to live with knowing others were always better than me. I felt less and less able to cope and instead of holding it in a safe place and seeing it was more about the person who said to me than me. I took it all within and let it take me down with it.
It is a difficult thing to look back at but it is important. I used to keep up with housework, be more social and I never compared myself with others and I never really got anal about how others did it. But little by little I would be hurting over something and do things a little less than normal to make it easier on myself because I am an emotional soul and dealing with the emotional impact on me took a toll. But as I took it inside myself more and more I lived less and less as I normally did. One of the key things that worked its evil on me was the words. “It’s not about you.” I heard that so often that I started to truly take myself out of the equation altogether.
The gradual eroding of my confidence in myself and what I was doing forced me to lose interest in keeping up appearances at all. I was trying to survive instead of living my life and finding joy in the everyday and just being who I was. I am not going to lay blame on people because I cannot go back and neither can they. I will tell the truth. I should have not taken on board what they were saying the way that I did. But I took it to heart and my heart broke bit by bit.
It does still affect me if I focus on anyone but myself. Which is a really ironic thing. You see as a believer in God it is hammered into us. Not to think of ourselves but think only of others. Turn the other cheek sort of thing. This teaching really did not help me find my way at all and it made the ride to losing myself much much quicker. But we live in our bodies.. God gave us bodies. Gave us minds, emotions and hearts. We are to use them!! We should very much value ourselves and I don’t think you can value anyone else till you know your immense worth to GOD and yourself.
I still keep away from ‘perfect’ people because quite frankly they are never comfortable around me and you always feel their displeasure.
I am more comfortable around people who are themselves whether perfectionists or not. People who couldn’t give a shit what others think. Yes I swear here but I am trying to explain that this mentality is helpful for me. To let go of what others think and what others do and enjoy inner peace and find life itself.
Even if I fall below that ‘standard’ that others have. To be honest there is no standard. People do what people do. Some are much better at the doing and there is nothing wrong with that. But even if your not good at some things or much at all it’s ok and I am going to believe I am enough as I am even with my imperfections glaringly obvious. When I know in my core I am good enough without adding or taking away. I can rest and be content with my lot and I can make changes and be confident in myself that it is good thing but it will always be at my own pace and choice not because others think I should or that I would be better doing it this way or that.
I can look outward as well as inward. See myself and my place in the world as important and value others too and there is more energy within me to work on things, set myself goals and put my time into what matters to me and to those around me. What others think has to be water off a ducks back. It’s taken a long time to realize this. You cannot live to please people. You have to find your own way through and accept yourself and that people do not have to like you or want to be around you. Not be destroyed by what others do and not do but find your peace with the total you at any given time.