I am behind in my writing. Original 30 days but I am plugging away. I have wanted to give up. It’s going to be raw and I answer with what I feel able to do with it. Second part was supposed to be funny or a complaint.. It isn’t either. But it is where my heart is atm. Real and raw. It’s me.
DAY 17 – DIG DEEPER:
What bothers and irritates you most about your writing process? What are your limitations and annoyances?
The distractions, the frustrations of technology. Shutting down that comes when your body won’t do what you want it to do. I seem to need props. Inspiration in the tank. I have to be alone. I have to make myself do it. I have to be committed. I need to put aside other things. I love music and I cannot easily listen to it anymore as I write. To hear it loud enough I have to press my (in the ear) headphones into my ears and hold them there.. So I cannot use music anymore properly as I write and there isn’t anything I can do to change that. My kids do not always recharge the family lap top or they are using it when I want it. I share a house with other people, not only my kids. So its not always conductive to writing. I tend to talk to myself while I write. It can annoy other people. Also if I get up and pace. Or take pics or print something or carry my lap top around. I do some weird stuff. Other people are inconvenienced.
Deafness inconveniences other people already so it’s depressing when your writing does that too.. I have to be stubborn with it. Lock myself away. Be at peace with my creativity or what comes out of me. I do not have many outlets for my self. So I would close up completely without something. So I give myself more freedom with it than anyone else may do with their writing. My voice however it comes is sometimes all I feel I have to give.
I suppose my writing isn’t seen as important to anyone else. I mean I do not make money with it. It isn’t a career just personal interest. So it takes second or third or fourth place etc.. It isn’t something anyone else much asks me about so I am very alone with it. I know that has tended to make my writing very self focused. I do not leave the house much or go anywhere interesting or even see others often. So yes that I can write anything of interest at all is rather a miracle. I have to bypass everything else to do it. Because if I focused on all that isn’t happening in my life I would give up completely on life itself not just writing.
I am doing a current writing course this writing is part of. Some of it is orally via recordings. Spoken meditations. Extras I miss out on.. I always miss out on something. I have to keep going despite it. If I groan and get frustrated about it I stop. I waste even more time. I’m not the same as everyone else. I have to accept that. I have to let go of all I cannot do. And focus on what I can do and use what is available to me.
Haha right now I want to sing really loud.. Its a release thing along with my writing. It blows out the crap inside.. Expressions tend to be loud because I have had to be. I know the opposite of not hearing is silence but I regularly have noise in my ears and head so like I am always trying to speak over the noise I tend to be loud in body too. Being deaf I sing even louder than normal people and its not pretty.. I am most likely tone deaf. It be off-key.
Other people in the room atm so yeah right now I have to keep it inside me. Not being able to communicate like the majority I work harder at the things I can do. I just give up on what doesn’t work. So any frustrations that happen to my writing life can feel heavier burdens.
DAY 17 – DAILY PROMPT:
Write a comedic letter of complaint to the Muse (or the High Council of Muses). In this letter, list all your annoyances about your writing process. Request the help you think the Muse Committe owes you with the process.
Hi Mr Muse.
Yes it’s me here. The loud one. The persistent one. The deaf one. The one who could so easily, so very easily give up. Sharing my best writing device with family even as I write to you. They did not recharge it and the keys stick to my fingers and its just a little gross. I think I deserve a new lap top Mr Muse. A flash new lap top of my own. So I can write better, easier and with all the flash new mod cons that come with expensive new lap tops. Surprisingly I still have so much to say and the better I am prepared and fitted I can do it I believe and surprise everyone even myself.
I have almost raised 5 kids. I have been patient a long time for the pay backs to being a mother, unpaid taxi driver, frustrated struggling almost afraid to call myself artist…. etc
I would do more writing. I would be here more often. I might even write a best seller. One that sold so many copies that I could easily repay you back for this little request. I believe I have a calling. A gifting if you will. That with the right support will spring board me to heights I have yet to see. My only other request is help with the journey. Some encouragement goes a long way. I feel for a long long time I have struggled on alone. Be it an unseen guide with me. GOD. Which keeps me going I can tell you.
But humanly and socially I need human contact even the written kind suffices. Some words of hope and inspiration, some help. People that can give me encouragement because I need it. I have needed it so badly. So very badly. It’s humbling to the point of breaking me down to keep asking. To keep begging. To keep looking for it. Because it wears me down hoping.. Desiring and the waiting for breakthroughs.. The endless waiting. If I had even just a little more wind beneath my wings I could attempt things I have never done.. fly so high. I could take off.. It would change everything. I know it would. Please Mr Muse look my way. Hear my heart and give me the chance I have longed for. Scrap the new things even I know I have it in me. Just guide me with your wisdom. Take me under wing show me the skies and tell me I too can fly..