DAY 11 – DIG DEEPER:
Do you ever feel like more than one person inhabits you? Have you ever tried to silence the troublesome, weird or darker side of you that makes you uncomfortable? Recall a few times when you have suppressed your multiplicity for fear of being misunderstood, singled out or rejected.
Yes it does feel like that at times. The other side of me that worries about why things are the way they are. The side that focuses completely on dark stuff. The whys? The if onlys? The one that dwells on every past rejection and short coming I have and how it all points back to big bad me. That looks at the people who do not come near me and seem to stay away. I shake my head. In those moments I feel terribly much a reject. Throwaway. Basket case.
The dark side of me would just want to stop and close up shop. The dark side of me would say to hell with all those people who don’t know me and judge me without mercy. I would not normally say that kind of thing. I am more a stand back person. Hold my tongue. Forgive. Move on. Let go. Say anything else as opposed to how I really feel. Avoid face to face in the first place. Do not focus on the problem. But the whole of me has suffered because I do not say it. Do not speak about it. Do not let it out.
The dark side of me would say ‘Fuck off’..
The spiritual side of me wants to stay positive. Even when I share it all I would NOT use swear words and I might hold back some. THIS IS A BIG CHANGE TO WRITE LIKE THIS. Why deny I feel it? I am human. I do swear sometimes. I should not be afraid to write that. Why hide it? My family do not swear. My Christian family that is do not that I can hear. Not out loud, not publicly. I could imagine what they think if they saw this. I don’t think many read what I write so this won’t be a problem for them lol unless someone else says ‘Hmm your sister or daughter or relative is umm swearing on her blog’ and than they read it because of what someone else said. Few people ask my opinions on anything. And my deafness robs me of most anything else I could say because you just don’t talk much to people when you cannot hear them and they don’t talk to you much anyway. Never very open in our family about things. Very much surface stuff. Day to day stuff. Not hardly ever a deep and meaningful. Which is probably why I rarely say anything to them or they to me. Different levels.
Yes there would be a bitter side of me. A side that would sing. “What about me? It isn’t fair. I’ve had enough now I want my share… “ etc.. The song Moving Pictures sang.. Dark side feels cheated. Yes I know I could do more. I have been told that plenty of times. But a lot has happened I have had no control over and whether people even know, care or understand how it affects you. It does affect you. Darkness is real and you do face it even if you are light dweller.
I have not intentionally silenced that side. I think in Christian terms we say we are forgiven and forgive others and that’s about it. Of course people are encouraged to tell their testimonies. How Jesus saved them.
Sorry that is a little tongue in cheek. Sometimes there is so much talk about anything else but how we are ourselves. You can almost disappear completely. We talk about what we SHOULD do right. We talk about what GOD did but not really about the worth of a soul and see that a soul faces difficulties and help them get through it to the other side. The hard stuff. It all seems to be about using it for good.. Our calling. Which is what we all want in the end. A purpose. Perfection kills I can tell you that. But talking about our stuff ups daily it seems taboo. It is like you are under a gag I guess but nobody talks about it. So perhaps that is why so few of us get to the end as we could or should. Why so many suffer so much more than need be. We judge. I judge myself. I judge others. Its what we are taught. It’s wrong. We are called least. It’s so not about us. It is all about HIM. God. And to even think about talking about ourselves. That is evil. I am being evil here now.
You just kind of self-destruct in private and in front of Christian counselors and mental health professionals and talk about prayer needs or GOD alone. All like-wise people celebrate that with you.. Tell the hard stuff its different. Nobody wants to see your dramas, dirty washing. Heart. Hmm.. That hurts to write that but its true. Real and raw is too messy. If you think about we base our whole relationship on JESUS getting real and messy and ugly and well he went all the way to the end and we even know the raw details and talk about that a lot. Comes to us. Nope. Let’s just gloss over it.
I KNOW what happened at the end of Jesus earthly life and what that means because it’s all we talk about. It has probably been most of what I talked about for a very very long time. But humanly speaking it’s not the after life yet and the darkness still comes every day and that is real. Sooooo lets be honest in the now!!
I can truly understand people who take their lives leaving messages for the loved ones to find. They obviously couldn’t say it alive could they and what has happened has affected them to the point they gave in completely to the darkness. It has happened a lot with me wanting to give up. I have fantasized about doing that many times. Speaking beyond the grave because I have felt so unheard even though I am alive.. Because it has got very dark, very lonely and I have felt very invisible and even though I write it over and over and over.. Nobody much reads. Even now today after years of putting my heart out there in public and persisting on and on and on..
That’s truly a bummer hey.
I think people just seem blind and deaf to the deepest heart cries because its messy. I believe faith in GOD has pulled me out of the worst of it because I talked to GOD about all the hard stuff when there was no one else to tell or that I felt I could tell.. I did not ever feel judged. I did not feel guilty or black hearted. Just loved and that GOD has immense patience and he does have very very deep and unconditional love for the black sheep, the multi colored sheep and the weird and dysfunctional sheep..
It is very much what drives me now. To speak of the darker side of me and to be honest with you: my prayers or talks to GOD might be very different too after writing this.. GOD sees it all any way.. Dark sides of us.
There is very little truly dark stuff said and it needs to be said.. But for me it is more than I have ever spoken of it before.. quite like this.