Confession time

Standard

DIG DEEPER: What do you perceive are your greatest limitations at the moment? They don’t necessarily have to be related to writing. What’s getting in your way of your fullest expression and your daily practice?

For the longest time I have been amassing a plethora of art and creative supplies to the extent it’s become an embarrassing habit. Only so many books you can read right? Only so many DVD’s you can watch? I was given bags of books and I have downloaded heaps of free e-books as well but I also head to second hand stores pretty regularly and I just find myself buying more things from time to time.

I am not reading near enough to continue doing this? I am not doing enough art to use all the creative bits and pieces I have collected though I do notice artist types are collectors. I just seem to have an insatiable hunger for surrounding myself with it and finding more and buying more. It seems that no matter how helpful a book might be or how much I want to read and study and learn from writers and artists and inspirational artifacts. Soaking it in indeed does feed my soul. I am just as soon looking for the next book, supplies or e-course and getting obsessed with researching it and reading reviews and buying it etc. The usage of it falls much lower on the list than finding it.

I think it started when my life got difficult. Art via expression and reading books fills in huge chunks of time that being deaf has left me with. Being lonely as a single mother and isolated when I find it difficult to communicate with others. My confidence shriveled away and when there isn’t many people to talk with and listen too you find other things to do and help you cope. I have tried to offload as I go along. I do bag up occasionally unused things and put them back into charity bins. I would be crowded in my bedroom if I didn’t do that. More and more I have clutter here and there in my bedroom.

My bedroom is my safe haven. My comfort space. My go to place. Creative portal. I am happy in my introverted world.

BUT…

I also wish I could stop and use what I have and be honest with myself about what I really will not use. Read the books I have and keep reading them. Instead of search and seek for more. I do not know why I think I need more? I do not know why the addiction? I do not know how to stop that. I know when I am looking at things I am thinking.. I just bought a book it’s not even read yet? Why am I looking at this? Especially when new things lose their appeal quite quickly and only some are used enough. I think it’s like an addiction. Always seeking for that high that comes from getting something new but when you get it, than you need that high again. I do not know. Perhaps I have thought to myself. Some of these things are second hand so its not expensive. It doesn’t hurt to buy this.. It’s a bargain!

It limits me because I am easily distracted even moreso instead of using my time and resources more wisely and getting much more done. Like a hoarding thing. When I go to get rid of stuff it’s not easy to part with things. I can forget what I bought and pick up something only to have my daughter say. Mum you already have that. Very embarrassing I can tell you. 

I get overwhelmed thinking of all the things I have to use and enjoy and you don’t get to enjoy it at all when your busy collecting more. Need one of these and one of these to do that but when you get them you don’t even do that. You think of something else that you don’t have and your focus is on that other thing. Not a nice cycle. It’s not a nice thing to admit.

All this is happening and time is passing by.

Out of habit in the doing and using and producing therefore not enjoying the fullest potential in my creative life. Wastage. It’s not nice to say it but it needs to be said. It is uncomfortable to read it and maybe even MORE uncomfortable to share it publicly but I think you cannot change or see the need to change or work on something if you can’t see you have a problem to address in the first place..

Things have come to me as I walked away from the keyboard and thought on this subject some more.
There has been a void in my life. All of this above helped filled in the gap. I have used my art and expression to help communicate myself out in the world and to inspire myself to keep going. My creative life shares my faith and how God has helped me through. I just have to use the blessings and skills and knowledge I currently possess and be honest with all I do not need and trust that I know the difference and can let go of the need to hoard.

People say God should be enough. But we are not created to be on our own and I often speak about this because people have no idea how difficult life can be when you feel physically alone so much and you can be happy but sad about it at the same time. God himself said it is not good for man to be alone. I haven’t always been motivated or known how to best use my talents and I don’t naturally flow without prompting and stirring up my spirit. Lack of direction has not helped either but sticking to things does bring rewards and you get better at it. I need to set myself goals and not be afraid that I can produce and be happy in the doing.

Some people can just get up and go. They find it hard to sit still but I find it a challenge not to sit still. I am easily a lazy sod.

One thing I tell myself before I sign up to another course. Buy another book etc.. Is that this will one will be my turning point. The things learned, the skills taught, the wisdom gained. I will commit myself fully to doing it, reading it and these things will give me the tools and means to express myself better at the other end. I’m reassuring myself that another purchase and possession will be the best thing I need to go forward more confidently and just stick to a different more productive life. That this very thing will be the catylyst. 

Unfortunately no matter how determined I might be before buying or signing up. I am searching again not long after and not following through.

  

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