Death Rewrites Her



Writing about death can be immensely challenging, and many shy away from it.  Describe as openly as you feel comfortable with, how you handled a death in your life, how it changed you and those around you. We are sorry for your loss, but sometimes pain is the most beautiful fuel.

Death of a marriage was the hardest death I’ve faced.
When a body is gone. You have to face it. They are not with you anymore. You cry. There is always loss but you have to walk on. Life goes on. You always remember but it can’t be that way ever again no matter what you do. It’s very final.

But a divorce. The one you lost is still very much alive. Your facing it daily. Your mind can keep it alive. Your heart can keep it alive. Your children. Your family. Your thoughts stray there. Well mine do. People don’t talk about it anymore. They view you separate. They treat you separate. Some don’t even think about you anymore. Only the other person. 
It’s not something people talk about. Christians are not comfortable with it and some have written me off because of it. And some (destroying to my soul) say ‘well my marriage is for life..’ As if I chose and wanted this? It’s not something you continue receiving comfort for. It’s hushed. Perhaps even writing about this publicly means I’m still looking for sympathy  even when I am just bravely telling how it has been. I’m not a widow. Should’ve I be over that by now? 

So for me personally it’s been soul defining. Life changing. Lost my former place. I don’t know if it’s how I’ve viewed marriage. I’ve been raised to see marriage as one flesh.  And I see it in couples.  When you talk to one of them your talking to both.  They answer including the other person. If you ask them some place they have to check with other and so forth.They say ‘we’ not ‘I’ when they answer you even in a general conversation. They refer to the other person, don’t seem to have a separate self.

Obviously things were not always good in that relationship and in fact are better now.
But for me. There is so much more to it. I can never imagine disowning my kids. Separating myself from them. That can happen in distance as they move on to a new individual life but there is always a bond. But you do separate from a partner. And you feel it. There is something very ‘cuts like a knife’ about separation and divorce. It is death. It is very final. It is cruel. It’s more than a child bond.. A child bond I liken to your heart walking around outside your body. But a divorce is your heart broken. Living with just a piece of it. Living but part of you died.

You know the necklaces you buy for a friend. A heart in two and one friend wears one and other friend the other. Well it’s knowing the other friend doesn’t wear their half anymore but you still wear yours because it became part of you. Every day you feel the weight of the missing half. 
You might have moved on. They might have moved on.
But you remember. 

You love them always. 

Love doesn’t die. It never did for me. I still love my former husband I just can’t express it the way I want too now. It’s a different sort of love. It is forced to evolve into a different form even if was stubborn and can still want. Yes I’m known as stubborn.
To be apart I still feel something. That has not gone away ever. 

Yet I know I could move on to someone and so could he. There is peace and acceptance there. Marriage is over I know that. 
It’s just something within me which maybe will always be there. If you compared marriage as one flesh and your relationship the same way. You’ve lost half of yourself. 

Looking at it like that. It’s going to mean life is different forever. Miss the good times.. Miss what it could still be like. 
I find being single and a loner it’s maybe harder to not think about it. And I’m not obsessing. I’m not holding on. I’m not wishing. I have let go.

Just an awareness that’s never disappeared. Like a phantom pain. I’ve heard said when a person has lost a limb. They can have pain where that limb once was.

I have that pain over my marriage sometimes not always.
Marriage is so much more than just being at someone’s side. It’s about a bond. It’s about being included. It was forever. Always having someone to bounce things off.. A person to come home too. A person who shares your life. A person to grow grey with. 
A child you raise, you love, you nurture but you know one day they will go their own way. Your preparing them for that.
But a husband. A soul mate. You know will be there till one of you passes. But he doesn’t pass and neither do you and … now your physically living in a different place without them.



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