DIG DEEPER: Recall a mental image attached to an event or encounter or special or painful moment that has deeply impacted you. What is the sensory information transmitted by this image?
What does it look/feel/taste/smell/sound like?
I feel it acutely when I write a response from my heart and soul and there is no recognition.
If I was standing in front of you and saying these things. You would look at me, perhaps nod your head or answer in some way or acknowledge that I had spoken or answer back with a reflection of your own. But this silence especially when I can see you are on-line. It screams something. Perhaps it is not who you are or your not noticing or your busy or your mentally acknowledging it and that seems enough to you. It doesn’t say nothing I am sorry to say. It says that what I say means nothing. Ok I need to be patient instant technology doesn’t mean instant recognition. But I have waited and than still nothing.
But if you are posting other things did that mean you didn’t notice or think it mattered that I commented? Or you didn’t post it to be noticed? Why do you post if you don’t want a comment?
It says I am not worth noticing and my time was wasted. I realize on-line you can look quickly and move on to something else. We all do that. But did you feel it in your heart? Did it make you smile? Did it upset you? Did it make you nod your head and notice it? I want to know!!! Am I silly to want to know?
I chide myself. Should I bother. Does this annoy them? Did I say too much? Do they care? Am I being overly sensitive? Am I looking to get a response? Should it be that people post without replying? Is that a thing? Is it me? It is you? What is it?
I need social. I need response. I need interaction. Internet is real life for me. I cannot do face to face being deaf. Ahh so it is different for me. But still surely non deaf people want to be responded too also? Do they?
Unfortunately it happens to me again and again and again. Almost to the point I think why am I bothering. I am sensitive that is plain to see. But I am also trying to care for people. Get to know them. Share their lives and also share mine. A simple OK in response often I need more information than that. Especially if I have asked questions, shared meaningful feelings or taken the time to respond. I am here you are here. It could be different couldn’t it?
I am interested in the people I contact. I want to know more. I do respect people. Even a short answer does suffice most times. It is nice to see someone acknowledge you I hope it is the same back. Even nicer if you don’t see many people in your life.
The image I see is my heart beating and nothing. Alone. Nothing. Blood pumping life and nothing. Yes I feel. Yes I express myself. Yes I need to be seen. Yes it hurts when people are there but not. Yes I am awkward and I fail too. I know that. I just need to vent. Because it takes time to tell. It can make you stand out like a sore thumb and a drama queen. It can be awkward to say how you feel and than nothing.
I have commented about not being seen and nothing. THAT is double nothing and double rejection.
Deep. Deep. Deep. I feel it. On-line I feel it. Social media I feel it. It is still rejection because it hurts even if the person didn’t mean it. So the moral to this story is. If you and I can just realize that wherever we are in life with people in any capacity. It still all means something. Inside our bodies of flesh is spirit. A person sits behind the keyboard. They are real. Their words are real. Their heart is real. Their presence is real.
Try to appreciate and acknowledge that presence and I know we all can fail but it can make a difference and deepen our lives if we connect even by spirit. Even one word can mean so much more than nothing. If someone is giving you time and attention and its not in an uncaring way especially if they are brave publicly. Let them know they matter cause its damn hard to be brave!! ~