30 days of writing

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I am doing another writing course for the whole month of February. Sharing here on my blog. 30 days of writing myself alive.

DIG DEEPER: Why do you write? What comes up first? If you couldn’t write, what’s the second best thing you would attempt in order to express yourself to the fullest?

I write because it saves face.

I do not have a very good public persona. I withdrew from the world as people know it because I am deaf or close to it. Modern technology doesn’t seem to work for me and I am also not one of the rich people who can afford the bionic implants. I have really loud noises in my head as well as hearing loss and the thought of drills and such just freak me out to the point I could not mentally cope with anything drilled in my head. So I opt for writing, using my spirit in a different way. I am a spiritual person anyway so my disability just really makes it all the more reason to express myself in writing and not face to face.

It’s like there are giant signs everywhere I go pointing to writing. It is how it is for me. I would close down if I did not have some way to express myself. The hardest facet is that writing is subjective. People can choose to read or not as it is not as freely expressed as using your voice in an instantaneous way. People are busy these days so you can be rejected easily expressing your very heart and soul simply because people don’t see what your doing as essential to their and your day to day presence in this world. I am learning not to take it personally.
Person to person. Unless you are a total jerk and people won’t talk back, most can function in society and say things they want to say and there must be a certain exclusivity in that because being deaf can feel very isolating.
I can’t do normal communication. I cannot easily communicate face to face. It’s like watching someone and you cannot hear a thing they say. A television playing with no sound. If you can read lips all and good. But many people mumble, turn away, get distracted, don’t stand close enough etc. So you have to work extra hard to understand what they are saying and process that at the same time.. They may have moved on to another subject while you are still processing what they just said. You are constantly behind the mainstream of conversation and cannot keep up.

It is very tiring trying to hear people and I just kind of withdrew from that and would rather use my energy in a better way but it can be very one sided. It means you miss out on the life others live and that there are millions of different ways to think and process orally so you tend to channel yourself into writing and communicating in a whole different way but it can be and seem very selfish at the same time though it truly isn’t meant to be. It means I have to put myself out there daily in public if I want what I have to say read. It can seem exhibitionist. Instead of simply a soul trying to connect and find her place in the world.
I need to read up a lot too. It means in order not to completely fall off the side of the earth or be in a little world all on my own. I need to be constantly feeding myself with others opinions and the little snippets they do release. Believe me most everyone says very little on social media and its getting less and less because of privacy issues and people’s distrust of the Internet. There is not anyone who fills me in on daily life or what people talk about even when I am around them. I am really in the dark most of the time concerning the ins and outs of even close people in my life.

Whereas I guess most people are talking daily even to the people around them and in their daily travels. I am not at all doing this. So I have even more reason to write and shut myself away to write. You cannot sit with someone and give them attention and keep the creative juices running.. I can’t anyway.

As you can see my writing tends to be about my struggles, my world and that sort of thing. If that didn’t come out of me I think I would go totally insane. I need to say things be it to myself out loud, to another person or just to help process it. I find it hard to just think in my mind. Mull things over. Cause my thoughts have to compete with the noises in my head. Called tinnitus. Seeing the words via type on a page or screen gives them freedom and I can understand what I am feeling better.. My brain is a jumbled place with the constant noise inside it. You can feel stressed even if your body is at peace because the noises are the place your self first focuses on. Writing tends to give me another place to focus outside myself and it truly helps and I can be so busy thinking about what I am typing/writing that the noises fade into a background place where I forget about them. To listen to another person would mean the noises are competing against that person and do appear to become louder and that is extremely annoying.. On a screen or page my words have no competition at all and they are free and its truly easier for me to be released as a whole person be it quietly or crazily or gently or loud but its of my own choosing.

The second best way to express myself is visually. Though I cannot easily draw or paint exactly what I am thinking onto a page and do not seem to be talented in that area or naturally flow that way. A photograph can say it if you use the lens creatively or collage using various mediums together. I am learning this more because it can be tiring writing and it gives you a different way to see and express yourself. I love to combine writing/poetry and visual arts too. Like digitally or on paper. Like anything you need to stick at it so I am very thankful for this 30 day course again!

 

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