A hard post to write. It is about abuse.
But needed oh so needed.
Some reason I have always needed to get things out of me.
I know people don’t like you publicly saying things about struggles.
Especially struggles with other people.
God comforted me today about that.
He reminded me of the story of David and Saul.
A story laid out in the bible about a relationship that was difficult.
And difficult for a long long time.
Every time that is preached. Every time that is shared somewhere.
Every time that is read. It is not hidden. It is not hushed. I consider it public.
It is read and it comforts, strengthens and helps those who hear and read it.
So if you read this and you don’t like the content and you judge me. God knows my heart.
God obviously thought dysfunctional relationships were important enough to add in the bible.
Judge God not me.
There is a victim mentality about. That when you tell about something hard.
People are confronted. They don’t know what to do with it. They don’t care and think you shouldn’t air it.
They like to add their opinions, make excuses for it. Cover their ears and eyes. Give their opinions.
Ignore it. Compare it to something that happened to them. Blame you etc..
I know I feel like a total cow to speak about it.
I feel ashamed that it has happened to me. That I cannot just move on. Least I am honest.
Definitely NOT totally thinking of myself speaking about it. Because when I put myself out there. People will judge even more than they normally do.. Read any public post there will always be some negativity there somewhere and often from friends and family. That is just humanity. Everyone sees things differently.
You know I am almost deaf too so I can’t just easily sit down with a therapist!
We all need to get things out of us. We need to share our burdens. We need to tell someone.
We need people who care enough to listen. That goes both ways of course.
A person who has been abused needs it even more.. But its hard to tell. Many times you will hear of abuse stories and the person has not told anyone for a long long time. And you think why are they letting it happen? Why are they staying? Often because there are few safe places and people who will take the time to hear us and not judge.
All the while the person who has had it happen to them. Takes on all the struggles our society has with dealing with it too.
They feel unheard. They feel that what has happened to them does not matter.
They feel stupid for mentioning it. They take on the blame even if it isn’t theirs to take on.
They suffer even more because people don’t know how to deal with it. They carry more because the person they
tell often gives them a list of things they should try, lists how they should stand up for themselves and basically anything else that only adds to the load and further hurts the victimized person.
If someone is brave enough to tell you what is happening to them by another person and they are deeply hurt.
That should be enough to warrant comfort. To warrant a shoulder to cry on. To warrant being heard and understood. It shouldn’t warrant that their pain is labeled, categorized, compared or given solutions.
I am sure solutions are needed!! But firstly more than anything else that person needs your love.. They need to be heard.. Held if they wish it. To be believed. Sometimes it isn’t about their enemy. It is about being believed and being heard and being offered another’s strength. Not turning them away when they are desperately seeking someone to listen. To simply hear said ‘I am so sorry that is happening to you.’ ‘What you are going through matters.’
I definitely fail too at caring adequately for other people.
I have found that most people do not want to know. And when I have bravely spoken up I feel that as rejection like a knife in my gut if they other person just fobs me off and doesn’t seem to care.
The people who have abused me. Usually are nice people in public. They don’t know what they are doing or just flat out deny it or are moving right along and can more easily deal with it. They seem unable to emphasize with what I am telling them about what is happening and how I am feeling.
I just wish sometimes people would believe me. Know my heart or understand that I am not a vindictive person and that I can move past things it’s just I need to deal with them at the time too. And if time passes without anything happening I cannot and will not just pretend everything is ok.
It has actually caused me more distress than the actual abuse that people move on and pretend all is fine when it clearly isn’t. Seriously this has harmed me. Ignore anything long enough and you can put it out of mind but that doesn’t mean an issue goes away it just means that issue is continuing on un-addressed. That is how a dam bursts if that little cracks are not fixed and are ignored eventually they widen and the pressure of the water inside the dame will burst through.. Small things do matter. Especially if they keep happening over and over again. One can say that is in the past over and over too. But the past affects the future anyone knows that and if it continues it will blow up in your face.
There have been a precious few that have picked up on it. But unfortunately it has damaged me like a vase that is dropped. I can’t go back to the way I was. I can’t just be that perfect person not that I ever was.. Neatly packaging up what has happened to me into a pretty package with bright red bow and putting it in the past because it still affects me every day. I can forgive yes. I do. I have too.. I could not have peace if I didn’t. But I cannot just sit down and let it continue. This is part of why I write this. I am struggling with a current relationship and I don’t know how to do this in a beautiful way. I have to be as honest as I possibly can.
A lot of this is behind the scenes. Manipulative treatment that does my head in. Seems to have been my lot in life to be targeted by this person and others both now and in the past.. But this person is the one I am struggling with the most right now. Christianity makes it harder. Because we are told to forgive even turn the other cheek. Well I am telling you I have done both.. I always forgive. But I can’t forget. I can’t easily see it continuing when the other person keeps doing it over and over and over. Yes we are told for forgive 70×7. But I ask anyone if they are continually suffering by the same person who is going to just stand there and let it happen over and over and over again. You might forgive but you are not going to stand there anymore. That would be foolish.
Every time I try again to work with this person it damages me further. So like David in the bible I must escape it for now. When God gave me that story in my mind it helped me. Because this has been going on for years. And David and Saul’s problems went on for years too.. Not a good outcome for Saul either.. Sigh.. Not focusing on that. Mostly I focus on the length of time it is going on and why when I pray and pray it is still ongoing. And if this story shows this actually happened to someone I can rest that I can identify with it in the here and now. David was not responsible for how Saul acted and the hatred of him. I am not responsible for this person mistreating me either. Not saying it is hatred.
One thing I feel I need to write is. If you are going to question the person who is telling about abuse in any form. That you step back a bit first. Think to yourself. Who is this person that is telling me this. Is this person a known liar? What do I know about their background? Is it possible they are telling the truth? Is this person a known stirrer? If this was true how would they be coping? Perhaps it is possible the way they live and things they do stem from things that have happened to them and not from being a ‘bad person’. It is very likely you have not added up all these things. Because if the victim is lying. Why tell it in the first place? We really do owe any person love. That everything in their lives has brought them to this point. All the things that have happened to them have brought them to this place.. If you choose to judge them than your not loving them. Your not considering how they are or what has happened to them to bring them to telling you this. Yes people lie.. But is this person a liar?
I surely hope people do not think of me as a liar when I say these things.
People and family do know of it. I would say right now there is not one person who is really helping me with this. A few have helped in recent times. God did bring a wonderful close friend even closer for a long length of time to help me. This person currently I have no contact with. I do feel mostly peace about that though. I just have to believe people come and people go for a reason even if I do not know what that reason is for.
People have said to me.. ‘I would never let someone treat me like that!!’ when I have mentioned mistreatment before. Well that doesn’t help. I am not a confrontational person. Never have been. Maybe I do not stand up enough for myself. But I don’t go down quietly. I let people know. Hence this post. Hence many things I have said. Mostly though people don’t take much notice and don’t offer me some comfort when I tell them. So I am left to my own devices. Yes it can mean I internalize it. Yes I can become selfish and withdraw. Run away and hide away even. BUT I am telling you it is not weak to say something it is bloody brave. I do put myself out there and that IS not easy..
Hence another reason I share this. I am not caring about what other people say. I have prayed about this before writing. No check in my spirit to stop. In fact I am writing this very easily. It is needed and perhaps others need to read this too.
I will be posting a link to this on my face book. I will not hide it. I would like to do an art piece or photograph or poem in the future about this. Perhaps many more blog posts or art pieces too.. I don’t know.. I can’t move forward in a healthy way without addressing this. I cannot find healing. Perhaps people I know might be more understanding I can only hope. I will share one of my favorite scriptures about bad things and how God uses it for good. It is my genuine wish and desire that this very promise works for me in such a way..
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.