Day 24

Biggest mistakes

Comparison. Expectations. Group mentality instead of making decisions on my own. Not being myself. Living to please others. Being stubborn. Turning the other cheek.

Just a few as I think about it. I’m sure I could add a lot more. I have this gentle nature that people take advantage of. I haven’t always stood up for myself. The biggest of all was staying in a marriage that was damaging me emotionally and psychologically. I am since good friends with my former husband. But in those years I wasn’t coping and either was he. Christian wise your supposed to be in marriage till death do us part sigh. It makes me angry. Somehow the victim gets blamed. There is little to no support when your suffering this kind of abuse. Nobody speaks of it even now.

“I would never let anybody treat me like that!”.. I’ve been told. Sucks. I wasn’t coping and I should have left ages ago. People have turned away since because I’m divorced. That was really brave and at the time I finally did the right thing. I cried for years literally. Asked for countless prayers. But you can’t go back.

I look at the photos years ago.. I looked so lifeless. I raised 5 kids in those years sometimes it felt I was a single mother even back than and lost a baby son. I see the same treatment coming back at me from oldest daughter. Just disrespect of my person and I took it all on board.

I lost my self-respect. Self confidence. There was no spark in me. I shut down so much of myself to cope. Because I had little children who needed me. So I gave all of myself to raising them didn’t worry about myself. It’s good you know writing this now. It makes me realize that I am still seeing the affects of this and to give myself tender love and not worry what other people think. If they don’t know how can they understand?

Another mistake is not having self love. Realizing that it take time to heal.

These have been healing years for me and there are no hard and fast rules to healing. Writing about it helps too. I have learnt that I can live the way that suits me and that’s ok. You can’t look to others for acceptance if you can’t accept yourself. Strength doesn’t come from without it comes from within. You do have to guard your heart.

I’ve learnt that God is always with me and He loves me no matter what. His people are not Him. He is not like the majority think he is. He’s much better. It isn’t about rules it’s about love and freedom and acceptance.


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