Too much or too little 


Have you ever been perceived as “too sensitive,” or as “having too many issues”? Have you perceived others as such? Recall and explain…

Ah yes. Drama queen. Called Bi-polar even though I’ve never been diagnosed with it. Too soft. Too emotional. Transparent. Too open. Heart on the sleeve..

All these I’ve been called. Never do I say that about others though because I long to know I’m not the only one and I welcome anyone who is the same. There just isn’t many of us at least in my circles.

Just about everything I write is deep and meaningful. I mean I have embarrassed myself many times because I just burst inside to share and than have said it and more on social media publicly. 

You know I’m not the same as I once was. Which is good in a way but also bad. Because in recent times when I want to be that same person again and bring up the stuff inside that has been building up and for so long. It has not been easy to get it out of me. I tend to just talk it out to myself. That’s a sign of craziness!

You get shut down enough times and lose people to talk too and pretty soon the ability to stay vulnerable and open is much harder and I’ve found it almost impossible to fight against the ‘why am I doing it in the first place?’.

I’m a believer in God which is one reason I share because I couldn’t do this without HIM but there has been plenty of reasons for me to give this faith up altogether because it’s been so hard except I’m bloody stubborn and set in my ways. I do believe HE uses all this but I do question it.. All the troubles and trials have done a good job to shut me down for the most part.

This vulnerability thing has been my lot in life for 1/2 of it and I’ve found it easy to do.. But it has not been happening like it used too. There is just so many around me who don’t say much personally at all. If I do share openly I stick out like a sore thumb. Called crazy. Mentally ill or careless and people can close up to you all the more. It’s just not discussed. 

I’ve been blank and stuck it has felt like for years. And I just don’t have enough support around me and poor social skills. I don’t have the encouragement. I don’t have a wealth of life experiences to delve into. I have felt I’ve got nothing to give. Basically been reclusive and house bound for years. There are a handful of people who’ve been available. I also dropped out of the religious circle and that pretty well closes the door to all of those people who you once freely met with. They just don’t acknowledge you like they used too and if you say your struggling they say you don’t have any faith? Line in the sand kind of thing. Their side and the side your now on?  I have to say when life gets impossible that it is than faith is all you do have! Not relying on people or the infrastructure people call “faith”. It’s for me the real deal! 

There is a lot of other lacks in my life. Lack of people. Lack of going anywhere and rubbing shoulders with anyone. I’m almost deaf so it’s lack of hearing too and the contact I have with the outside world is much less than it has ever been before. Lack of confidence. Nothing can come from nothing. I’ve been really low. So I KNOW I’m not running on anything human. 

Social media has been a salvation of sorts because you are basically free to say what you want. Truly has been a life line. Many times I haven’t had any other choice. You pray and speak to God unseen or the unseen and un-commenting masses on social media.

And when I first started the social media journey I added a lot of people. Unlike many who have periodical friend clean outs I still have a lot of contacts just not close ones. 

Not one person comes to me physically. But in this I have 100% freedom to do whatever I like when I’m not raising kids and keeping house. 

Internet is the means to share openly 24/7 online and I’m connected to hundreds and they are connected to hundreds and it just keeps going. You can meet people all over the world and that is powerful if you think about it. But if no one seems to notice you and your confidence is low it’s a pretty big door slamming in your face on a mega scale of doors slamming in your face. Silence via lack of comments is brutal.

Isn’t this amazing though I’ve started talking about being too much which I have been and while I’ve addressed it and shared about how my life has been I’ve gone completely the other way!!!

I don’t know what to say except that the inside me can still be too much. I know when I do get rare moments when someone listens to me and I get the chance to open up it can just all pour out. My kids are like mum please!!!!

This current writing e-course I’m doing “30 days to Write Yourself Alive” has meant so much to me re-sharing like this and I have valued the release it is bringing me and the chance to be vulnerable, honest, open and free. I am channelling all that’s inside me and all that is unsaid into it. 

I am still the same person I always was. I do need to speak. I need to laugh and cry and tell it like it is. I am an emotional being. I need to talk somewhere it’s just instead of human people listening it’s whomever reads this. It’s here and it’s now!

I love internet and blogging and if you make a free blog your writing is out there and stays there. I’ve found old sites and posts still out there on the web from years past.

My heart. My words. My thoughts. It can keep being read and by anyone who finds it. So for all that I am and all that I am not —- this is me!!!!

My too much IS here and now! Super amazing that I am STILL GOING!



3 responses »

  1. yes I know where your coming from, this is happening to me at present as of yesterday i was in trouble for putting my little granddaughter on instragram and even though it is a private and only have friends and family I am so angry and fed up. Keep up the good writing Shannon you inspire me to go and write on my site today, how i am feeling, and how i am fed up with being told what to do , life sucks to say the least, thank God we have our God, only for him I don’t think I would be here \, God bless me my friend xx

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