Backwards Creative

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Ohh I missed a day so this is day 17… Of the 30 day Journal Project I’m doing… Eek..

Today’s Inspiration:

The meaning I picked, the one that changed my life: Overcome fear, behold wonder.

— Richard Bach said that

Prompt I chose…

“The thing that is bugging me about my creative life is – “

I tend to take the joy out sometimes because I attach meaning to everything and also spiritualise it so that makes it more of a work than play. Spirit is everywhere in everything so its there already you don’t have to force that! Enjoy it! Use it! Celebrate it! Flow in it!

I like writing but I’d like it more if sometimes I just played and art doesn’t have to make sense. It can be messy, random and fun. I think with anything there is always going to be learning, growth and hits and misses. You don’t have to share every thought that comes to your head. I need to let myself go privately as well. That part of me has bugged me.

I tend to always want to be positive and my idea of art is in small doses and then I clean up I need to let myself go and be messy and not hurry and explore and not feel guilty.. I’m afraid to get dark and negative yet I always talk about being real and yet without acknowledging the darkness I’m not ever being real. Irony of it.

That I want recognition too lol. I just wish I could lose sight of needing recognition and comments and someone to notice. That I just put my heart and soul into it anyway. That’s not just art wise its everything wise. Because I don’t depend on physical presence so much and I mean in communicating because I’m deaf but also as a spiritually awake person I forget I’m human too.. I get caught in the thee’s and thou’s mentality not that I use those words but I don’t speak normally. God this and God that and truly can be way over people head or turn them off and its not even how I speak in the every day world. Too religious or something. I need to be me in my way not a “certain way” or because that’s how I always have done or said something.

I tend to do the comparison thing. And because no one is the same I don’t feel I have a talent at all cause I’m comparing. So I hold back and well your never going to do the full life if you hold back. I judge myself according to feedback or against how someone else does it and well no feedback or very little means little of me and comparison doesn’t work because it means your not developing your own self cause your too busy looking at others. No wonder I don’t draw attention for my heart and soul alone. My greatest weapon seems to be persistence, being me and not being afraid to put myself out there creatively or just doing my thing my way.

My creative outlet is where I flow like nothing else and nowhere else despite every obstacle. I need to stop being afraid, holding back and wondering what people think. To me disinterest in my life seems to mean I have little worth. But thinking about it if I’m not out there and everyone else is and that’s where the majority is how can they look for me if I’m not there like them? It would be an impossibility if people were looking for me… So my feelings about this are holding me back.

I guess the challenge is if you want to contribute to the flow of life is to keep putting yourself out there and you can’t be missed! All the more be fully me and I’m happier and I’m flowing and I think a person, whatever they do is going to shine if they are happy and flowing and growing! Being real is refreshing and engages others to do the same. Its attractive and unique!

Weird part of being an artist is you do need time alone to do what you do and I might complain about it but I still do like being alone. I found a graphic that says the same so obviously this need to isolate and craving to share is not just me. That’s so helpful when what you experience someone else does and suddenly you can take a big sigh and acknowledge yourself as “yep this is me and its ok”.

James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

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