An Honest Prayer


Home alone… My ex husband has two youngest kids.. Oldest daughter stayed out with friends.
Still in my pjs.. Coffee and chocolate..
Saturday morning almost over..

I’m so aware of my aloneness. Aware of what could be spiritually in the places I am where there are other people.
I mean for me. Physical isn’t my best realm. Hearing wise.. Communication wise. People wise. I’m just more a loner and I don’t have that gift for warmth and bonding with people.. Family included.
Even umm in the saying I just falter to express myself out there. I guess that’s why the deaf and mute spirit seem connected..

Online.. Text… Social forums. Easier for me there but even there I’m not in rhythm that I know or feel. I started a face book group but I don’t know… It could be so much more and I’m getting to the stage where I feel I have to beg and that’s not pretty..

It just highlights my inadequacies even more.. Ha ha the good thing about trials is… I turn to God.. Ohh I’m so glad He is here always and I don’t have to struggle to explain myself… I can be foolishly myself and say millions of things to Him that people seem closed too or that I cannot seem to say.. Not their fault because I know writing this people will feel guilty… Just seems my lot in life this communication barrier thing that’s so much more than simply my hearing loss..

Anyway I wrote this prayer which may seem desperate to publish but hey I’m me and this is what I do.. Its a cry from my heart.. You never know what God can use to help another.. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels the way I do and powerless in it.. I do have many friends online and family of course… And you know reading their struggles it does weigh on you… With the troubles in Israel… The recent plane crash where so many died… Family and friends with hardships.. It makes you cry out for understanding…

LORD so many attacks on much hardship… So much darkness… Yet we are called to be the light.. The salt… The people with good news… So many of us are weak and carrying heavy burdens… We need your help… We need your strength.. We need your wisdom… Your caring and gentle presence.. I’m here daily but I seem to have so little impact? Lord I don’t know what to do… I can see the need for togetherness and the power of people connecting and joining forces… But if people don’t see it also its all in vain… I know I lose my focus… Lord I’m the least person to rally them.. Ha ha… I don’t have any authority well people don’t listen or return or find my door… I know I know you use the weak ones right… But I need something that would show people Your with me.. So they turn you know not to me but to each other and especially You so that together we worshipped you as you really are and as one as we really are.. I can’t do anything but you can do everything… Help me lord rally these people.. I mean ohhh yesterday on my sisters fb post all these people in one place commenting… Oh how I felt that moment for what it could be… And yet all of us have different agendas and I wonder does anyone else see it.. Feel what I felt then… They don’t see it yet because we don’t acknowledge each other well maybe one or two do but all of us right then at that moment are Gods family as if our spirits were all in one place yet we are not truly aware of what is the deeper meaning.. I mean if all of us were in one place with my sister… Would we each one only just say something to my sister and not to each other? Its weird Lord because our spirits are what we are supposed to live by.. Yet spiritually we don’t get it yet…
We’ve had the power all along but never realised it.
Lord even on my own I see the need for people… I’m the last person to do anything about it because I’m not even able to explain myself… I post something and always having to explain what I actually said… I have nothing to draw people to me… Not much going on here at Unify (Facebook group)… No one much comes to see me… Its crazy… But Lord how… How… How… To unite… What to do once we unite… Ohhh everyone has their own agendas… How does one person get the respect of people? How do you lead people in one accord? How to find the time… The devotion… Only by Your Spirit… Seems Impossible that even two agree on anything… I just lift these things to You… What can I do but look to You… Amen



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