It feels like I’ve been punched hard in the gut.. I feel tired, oh so tired.
Words wound. Laughter at me, at my sacred self hurts.. Why can’t you see it hurts me? Why can’t you treasure me and not make me feel like this.. I’m ashamed to tell anyone as if it’s my fault.. Ashamed I cannot stop it from happening.. Ashamed somehow that I deserve it because I cannot be treated right.. Like I invite it or cause it or don’t stop it…
I shrink low.. I cower and hide and try to forgive.. I will forgive. But it hurts..
You don’t know how it hurts.. For a moment of laughter can come hours of pain.. I try to just shrug it off but it happens again and again and I flounder.. I fail.. I go down like water pulled into a drain..
Please protect me from being made fun of. See me and the way I live and realise I need love too. I need acceptance always especially when I fall, when I fail, when I’m human. See that sometimes it is funny but sometimes it’s not.. I fear hurting you. That somehow I don’t matter.. That these feelings are wrong but they are still there. I feel embarrassed that I’m not stronger so I am brave here telling you.. I don’t want to be the victim anymore..
Lord help me. Help me to rise again.. Help me heal again. Hold me and help me not to shatter.. Release me from the poison of bitterness, depression and self pity.. But help me be brave and speak..
Help me to believe that I do matter, this is real and it does hurt and thank you at long last I’ve written this..