If only it bloody mattered..

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Back in the dating scene again at 43.. is a truly scary thing..

But its even more scary when your disabled, have kids and no income.. thats nigh impossible.. ha ha..

Ok I probably cut off my nose despite my face when I tell men those things about myself.. I mean what man is going to want a dependant? Here in Australia.. if you even live in a defacto relationship you are considered dependant on the primary bread winner.. I am paid a pension because I am hearing impaired.. severely hearing impaired also get child support.. but I think if I marry the pension would get cut or I would lose it altogether..

Doesn’t give one much hope of attracting a spouse.. I have tried dating sites.. with little success.. It just feels so wrong to pick and choose amongst so many men I really know nothing about.. I seem to meet mostly men overseas. They find me through face book.. and I have not had really good success there either. One relationship I built a friendship for 8 months and he was pressuring me to commit. Im overseas and thats not going to happen easily. And I guess he got sick of waiting and decided to chat up my sister on face book.. ohhh saying the exact same things he said to me. I was thinking of visiting him too.. I am so glad I didn’t.

Ohh I got really mad at him, yes he declared love and no I did not reciprocate that love but how can you fall in and out of love and then days later say similar things to someone else.. and my sister never the less??

Really really hurt because yes I did care about him, more than I let on but he talked daily and very few do with me. That took the wind out of my sails. So now when men introduce themselves and talk a few days and say lovey dovey things I am like.. come on please please how can you say that. You don’t know me and my heart withdraws and it kind of weakens their chances to get to know me. I am going to hold back even more.

Now the reason I said that above.. and no I don’t talk like that normally.. but this is insane.. that single men and women will overlook disabled people.. or different souls.. or men or women that don’t tick all their boxes and I think it is very very sad.. I am currently talking to my best friend in the world.. male.. ha ha.. but been friends for years online.. and he is overseas wouldn’t you know it.. But 13 years younger.. ha ha.. that does make me feel good.. but we are just friends.. I cannot have anymore children and he is wanting kids and I would never do that to a guy.. Deny him children.. but this guy is my best friend and we talk every day.. I thank God for him.. He gives me hope I can find a guy that talks back to me and daily and wants to talk..

We both don’t tick all the usual dating boxes and it does make you feel a reject.. un marry able.. and you might not put yourself out there or give yourself the chance because according to the way the world sees dating compatibility who is going to choose you?

He is extremely faithful, in all my 43 years I have not ever had a friend who talks as often as he does.. and he cares.. These two things are what I consider priceless.. and they should bloody matter.. But he says in the dating world.. they don’t seem to matter..

Ok my body is ageing faster than I would like it.. I have a divorce behind me.. I have kids.. I have a disability.. but I am still loving.. I would be faithful.. I believe in love, unconditional and being kind.. and supporting one another and romance.. all the stuff that SHOULD be important.. but because the first few things I wrote about are what put people off.. well I don’t get a chance to show my heart.. and the heart will always be inside the person till they die.. after the body ages and the hair grows grey..

Its sad that probably the pick of the crop is discarded because they are not bright and glossy and beautiful to the seeing eyes.. they may be wrinkled.. have a bump or two.. or not be as appealing.. but please please look with your heart.. We all want to be with lovely people.. but think.. think hard.. the people you love most.. might be old and grey.. your grandparents.. or your parent.. or an old friend.. or a disabled friend who cares.. or they might wear glasses or be deaf.. or they might wear goth or be gay or be in a wheel chair.. they are different but that is what makes them attractive to us.. Now please don’t think because I wrote wheel chair or gay above that I am labelling them.. just trying to make you see the soul in a person not the outside.. but recognise that it should matter.. bloody should matter about the soul/heart and not about ticking all the boxes whatever that means..

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