From The Heart

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One reason I turned to art was a friend said to me “I cannot see your heart!”

I use face book a lot, every day. I used to visit a christian forum every day too but I haven’t for a long time.. The forum was where my friend was.
We had a kind of short close online friendship. I mean we “went out” but never met. Doesn’t that sound dumb.. But to explain on the forums each person had an avatar and also chose a little word beside it to describe their current mood.. Mine simply swapped from “happy” to “in love” and so did his for a little while.. We chatted.. declared love.. lol… and thats about the extent of it..

Chatted via a messenger chat service every day. What a struggle that was. At the time I didn’t have a very reliable internet connection. But I was going through a lot of personal problems as was he. I was desperate for human connection. James was bottoming out and so was I.. So as much as possible (he was in USA and I in Australia).. We connected as often as we could..
We declared love you know online which seems silly now but at the time it helped.. It was “james this” and “james that” I was emotionally needy and as much as one can online.. he filled that spot..

Anyway one of the things that I remember from the relationship we shared. Was he mentioned that he couldn’t see my heart which floored me because I was putting stuff out there every day that I felt was showing the world what was important to me.. He also wanted me to talk via phone and bugged me a lot to do that. But I couldn’t as my hearing is bad and I didn’t even try. That may have been a killer to what eventually brought our short lived friendship to an end.. He needed more than just online chat.. I can understand that. I have gotten used to my own company but others need/crave others much more than I do.. And maybe if we had talked more, heard each others voices… I don’t know but he wanted more than I could give.

I loved and still do.. encouraging others… through quotes, inspirational pictures etc… sharing them freely on face book and on the forums. I wish I was better at chatting with people my hearing hasn’t helped but its not just in real life I also didn’t seem to be able to fit with forums either… There were threads there where people simply talked back and forth about everything and for some reason I couldn’t fit in there either.. I really love people but I don’t know why I just seem to lack in that department. I can write messages to people back and forth easily enough one on one.. But I love to deeply express myself and I have not really found too many that wanted to do that and keep doing that often enough.. At least without meeting in person.. Most everyone I have gotten really good friends with have lived overseas… That kind of kills the meeting face to face. And really up to this point I had bad Internet connection so I could not do the Skype thing.

So where I fail at expressing myself in this medium of chatting, talking to people.. I share things that inspire/ say what I feel as a way to put myself out there. So when James said he couldn’t see my heart and thats what I MOST want people to see.. I began to think about how I was relating to people.. I think after that.. I tried to connect with others more.. but a series of relationships I made online failed one after the other as well. It didn’t help.

As I adjusted to no longer being married and that I was failing in relationships.. and life began to isolate me or I became isolated the need to express myself in ways that I wanted got fewer and fewer.. Online is a different world. Especially face book I mean I am a person to be open and say what is on my heart when I get a chance.. I am deep sharer and face book is not deep sharing.. People are basically private and well its public. Most of it.. And I have had my troubles posting things from my heart.. It seems so hard to say what you want to say, either there is no one to listen, no one wants to listen, you say the wrong things etc… I guess everyone is out there with their own opinions and so it can be easy to not say anything at all.
I am bad for not pushing myself. I think who would want to talk to me and I fail to initiate things so I probably miss so many opportunities.

But I simply would burst or shrivel up and die if I couldn’t express myself… but I can see that pictures and quotes are not me they are simply reflectors but not the “real raw me”. Art can say so much without saying anything and of course I don’t have to worry about who is there or not.. Art journalling is one way I have progressed… Writing another.. And free hand drawing the most dramatic of all. With colours, the content, single words, thoughts etc..
I mean its really brave when you think of all the art that is out there.. so many many better at it.. But the one thing is.. no matter how good you are perceived. Its your work.. Its your soul.. Its your thoughts.. Its your expression.. Its your choices.. I don’t get a lot of responses and I say that not because I’m doing it for responses but because the very essence of art is being seen… expressed to be seen.. What would even be the point of saying this here if it wasn’t to be read.. Or Art created if it wasn’t to be seen or conversation to be had if there wasn’t to be heard… but as I have said before.. I am finally saying what I want to say and there is some responses now so for that I am grateful..

Im saying it boldly because you have to be to put it out in public. I’m not waiting till I get perfect. I am doing it from the very first efforts.. I will find my own beat of the drum. I am learning as I do it. As I see what comes of it.. What people say. For me its a whole new direction.. And re my faith.. I use it as a medium to share my faith.. To express what GOD has done in my life, how HE has helped me to have peace, joy, hope. I think HE put the desires in me to express them. I think sometimes nobody has been around to talk too so I had to do this. šŸ™‚ I wouldn’t be doing this if I was out there living a busy social life would I!!

Another reason I do this.. Art, writing, expression is because I shut down for many years. I wish I could say it just came easily but it doesn’t. I have to make it happen. I often have nothing going on to draw from. There is a scripture in the bible about “stirring up the gifts” I have to do that.
Any good that comes out of me is what God has put in me. And I have to write or do art or express in order for that to flow.. And that’s not just so I can appear with some inspirational uplifting goodie to encourage the world. It’s also to help me learn, grow and develop those gifts in me.

This quote explains.. I still use them because they help..
“If your’e going to be a writer, the first essential is just to write. Do not wait for an idea. Start writing something and the ideas will come. You have to turn the faucet on before the water starts to flow.” ~ Louis L’ Amour

Its my heart though that desires to be seen.. otherwise why express outwardly at all.. I think all of us have that innate desire to be seen, heard and appreciated. GOD uses all the above.. things that happen to us.. our situations.. the things people say.. the way we come across or not come across.. through all these mediums HE can work it and I believe HE has a purpose for everything.

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2 responses »

  1. What a truly beautiful heart you have. You may think that I say this to pl;ease you….I don’t I have always felt the inner beauty that emanates so easily from your heart when you allow it. ā¤

    • I truly feel it more than ever Malcolm.. and that’s saying alot.. I do value your input immensely and your spirit and that you even follow me.. Is proof that GOD is in this.. Blessing us both.. Its such a joy to do this.. and everything that comes is making me shine all the more.. Love you too..

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